236 JOURNAL. [Jsqs' soul. At night enjoyed much of the comfort of God in my soul at church. The account of Mr. Wilberforce s having lost the motion for the abolition of the Slave Trade, together with reflections on the pride and sins of this place, affected me deeply to night. I longed to pour forth my complaint to God, and began with much fervour, but was interrupted. Oh, our guilty land, shall not God visit for these things, shall not God be avenged on such a nation as this ? The pride, infi- delity, and abominations of this land, seem to show it ripe for destruction, so that 1 exjiect God will soon put in his sickle and reap. Read and prayed with H at night : Acts xx. was deeply aftecting to me. 4. In morning prayer had a solemn season of reve- rence and submission to CJod. I seemed to Itave no wish in my heart, but that God may be glorified, as it was a comfort to me to reflect that he will be glorifii'd. In my walk I prayed continually tliat 1 might In* ke])t by the power of God in a sedate and sf)ber frame all the remainder of the day, in which I should be engaged so much outwardlv. If people are not satisfierl with my conduct, I have nothing to do but to leave my record with God, before whom, HE is witness, I (lesire to walk with perfect strictness and upriglitness. It is plain from the observations of others, tliat I am grown more proud. Oh, I long to have a time of humiliation, that I rnav be able to abase mvselt in tears, on account ot the pride and hardness of my heart. 5. Passed mucli of the earlier [)art of the morning in prayer, which I greatly needed, and enjoyed a solemn and spiritual frame. After dinner again in prayer, and was helped to be serious. Oh, how blessed is it to he solemn and serious. A fort taste of the calm of heaven! The rest of tlie afternoon was engaged with , and in preparation for departure. Preparation for leaving any ])lacc is very affecting , after a few more stages, the journey of life will be ended. Amen. I feci attachment to the present scene, though my mind is so continually distracted by it. JOURNALS AND LETTERS OF THE REV. HENRY MARTYN, B. D. LATK FELLOW <»K ST..J()H\\S UOLLKOK, t AMUKIDOK : A\D rHAHLAIN TO TIIK HONCM'RAHLK east INDIA » nMUANY. FDITEf) HV IfE REV. S. VVJLBEHFORCE, M. A. HKUTOH OE HHlOHS'n»NK. • NKMI) IIIHOU KU K>1. <K KT MM.MA HKI.IV'JI KKK.' riroM A> \ I. L ’ IN I'WU MKS, \ ()l . 1 PUBLISHED BY K. B. SEELEY AND VV. BURNSIDE AND SOLD BY L. AND G. SEELEY, FLEET STREET, LONDON. MDCCCXXXVir. .FOUKNAJ.fci ANJ) layrri^KS L.. .A*N1> C, 1»KINTK1> liV i. SKKI-HV, 'rilAMKS JU'J'I'ON, SirKRK\ . INTRODUCTION. The following volume consists of further, and often more continuous selections from the journals and letters of Mr. Martyn, than have yet been published. In compressing into one volume the biographical notice of this eminent servant of God, it was necessary to omit a great variety of interesting materials. So full indeed were his journals and letters, that it was not possible to insert nearly all which threw light upon his character and conduct. When, however, the deep inte- rest of the Christian world, in the history of Henry Martyn, had been evidenced by the rapid sale of ten editions of his life, it seemed scarcely right to suppress for ever, all those stores of instruction which remained unemployed. Then it was that the preparation of a volume of the character of that now presented to the reader wiis first conceived ; one which should not in any way interfere with the plan of the admirable work which relates his life : but should contain some of those portions of his letters and journals, which neces- sity had before excluded ; and which throw new interest around those already published, by exhibiting them in their natural connection. One most interesting set of letters, which were deemed unfit for publication during the life-time of her to whom they were addressed, have been set free by her death, and were by her will becpieathed for this purpose, if it sliould be judged expedient so to use them. It was accordingly the intention of the narrator of Mr. Martyn’s life, to have 2 .,1JJTRPDUCT10N,. published such a -volumd ; its preparation was prevented by that sudden summons which called him into his master’s presence. There need not, he trusts, be expressed by the Editor of this volume, any declaration of his deep sense of the comparative unfitness for the task, of him, upon whom its performance has devolved. He will say nothing upon this subject. There are some feelings which arc wrought into the very texture of the mind, witli too much vividness to bear expression. That the intimate friend of Henry Martyn should become his biographer ; that one whose mind was distinguished by the same refined delicacy, and whose soul was c(|ually penetrated with the same divine grace ; should delineate his por- traiture, was eminently fit: and the execution of the work attests this appropriateness. For it is im])ossil)le to separate in the reader’s mind, the name of Martvn from that of his biographer ; the author from his sub- ject ; the character he draws from that which he (‘vinces ; in showing another he displays himself; * and hence it were almost an unlawful action to attempt to dissever these names, united together in the reverend afiection of Christian men’s remembrance. From the ])ossibilitv of such a thought, the Editor of the present volume would revolt, and lie desires therefore to give it to the world merely as a supplement to Henrv Martyn’s memoir. He has endeavoured in these extracts, to adopt the tone maintained throughout ‘the Life:’ to exhibit the character of their writer, not to compose a eulogy upon him , lie does not therci'ore necessarily ajiprove of every sentiment contained in these jouriiais, but he retains them in the volume, because they throw light upon the peculiar trials and dispositions of Henry Martyn. With these feelings on his mind, he cannot I MS I, „! th;,i vohinio, • flM> M.nioirs of Mr. ’Hioinfison.’ lOi «..s ti,,. ,)ro.l,„-,M,n o) th,- Ov<. Iasi y,-ars .,f |,is lif,. ; and which i- Jj.ii(’he thus describes what had been passing in his rninjpi ‘ I do not wonder at your wishijig that I had chosen decidedly to enter the church. Mut what coidd 1^0 ? Could I indeed have been fi.'tsurcd that it s will tliat I shmdd serv'c him as a mini.ster,, wiero irto prea^, to the wild Indians, iiotluntj should stand in ^ thought Mr. Sirneoirs olxservation jusi , INTRODUCTION. 5 “ You are certain that you are acting according to your duty in obeying the wishes of your father.” Whereas I could not say so in the other case. What painful fluctuations of mind I have suffered upon this occasion is not to be described : under pain of body or loss of friends we clearly see that resignation is our duty ; but here I was tossed about for a long time without being able to satisfy myself, upon a point of such importance, what was my duty. Yet under this disquietude, I com- mitted my way unto the Lord, and I have not a doubt but that he will be with me, and somehow or other, make me in some little degree instrumental in pro- moting his glory. Indeed you have no idea of what I have felt. No one who has not been in a similar situ- ation can form any notion of it. ‘ My decision will, I trust, be approved of by my heavenly Father. My one desire has been, if my heart has not deceived me, to do his will, and to devote myself entirely to his honour and glory. 1 shall be happy wherever I am, if I can assure myself that I am serving him in the way which he ordained me to walk in. Do not forget I beseech you to pray for me, that the love of Jesus may attend me, and his right hand lead me through the perils of the profession I am entering. When I look at the corruption and weak- ness of my own heart I tremble ; when I behold the power and willingne.ss to save all to the uttermost who come to him, which is in Jesus, J rejoice.’ Worldly Inisiness undertaken in this spirit, and con- ducted on these principles, was not likely to endanger the spirituality of his soul. The ungenial atmosphere which hangs over the seats of legal strife and the bust- ling scenes of earthly business could inflict little injury on him who had such a talisman within. The state of mind evinced by his letters at this time justifies a record of this date in the journal of Henry Marty n, ‘ Sargent seems to be outstripping us all.’ At no very distant period, however, it pleased God, who had thus tried the submissive faith of his servant. 6 INTRODUCTION. by calling upon him to give up those desires which were the strongest in his soul, to open to hina the path which he longed to tread. The objections of those to whose wishes he thought it a duty to yield, were re- moved by altered circumstances ; he quitted that profes- sion upon which in obedience to their desires he had entered, and prepared himself for undertaking that holy office to whicli his own inclinations had always been so strongly directed. In the years 1805 and 1806 he was successively ordained deacon and priest. He en- tered upon his ministry with the cure of Graffhara in Sussex ; which, with the small contiguous parish of Lavington, formed to the end the scene of his ministe- rial labours. Here with patient perseverance he conti- nued for years “ to do the work of an Evangelist,” amongst those whom God had committed to him. His whole heart was given up to that ministry wlierewith he had been entrusted. To be made “an instrument of usefulness in God’s hands — to be “a fellow-worker with God ” in promoting the eternal happiness of the souls committed to him, was, through the whole of his life, his .single object. And it was this active principle, under the regulation of a well-instructed conscience, which animated him to unwearied exertions in an obscure, and in many respects, unkindly portion of his Lord’s vine- yard. There was in his charge nothing which miubi- tered to the gratitication of earthly motives. His l«Jf was cast amongst the ignorant and unpolished. Amongst those who could not appreciate his classical elegance of mind, or enter into the exquisite sensibility of his affection ; they were the “ few sheep in the wilder- ness ; ” but in them he recognized those for whom Christ shed his blood, and for them therefore he was content to labour, “ to spend and to be spent,” and yet |(either be faint nor slothful. The spirit which breathes ini^' letter descriptive of his first entering upon his ministry amongst them was never abated by weariness or di.sappointment. ‘ I have already, ns I told you, en- ~ 4 ministerial lafiours. My parishes are INTRODUCTION. sn^l, but I find that a small parish will produce ample occupation: for a minister, if he is inclined to seek for it. The generality of my parishioners, from what I have seen and from what I hear from the present curate, are very ignorant of the true foundation on which to build,’ &c. Nor were there wanting peculiar ministerial trials in this secluded situation. There was a false spirit of reli- gion prevalent amongst his people, which was through the whole of his ministry a source of continual rebuke and suftering to his godly soul. Antinomian on prin- ciple and in practice, they withstood continually the word of life ; perverted unstable souls, and with all the insolence of spiritual pride, continually wounded his naturally sensitive heart. In the letter which has been already quoted as dc.scribing his entrance upon the ministry, he gives the following account of this section of his flock. ‘ Some few are fanatical ; disciples of Huntington. They came to hear me the first time I preached ; whether they wdll continue I cannot say. The preacher amongst them, w'ho makes my shoes, upon being asked his opinion of me, said, “ that he thought I should be enabled to declare the truth,” that is, he thinks me a proYnmng young man. One of them the other day speaking of Mr. , the curate, said, “ he had no particular fault to find with the man, but he did not think him quite “ free in the liberty upon my desiring an cx])lanation of that expression, he simplified the assertion by aftirm- ing that he w'as rather “ in bondage,” rather “ under the yoke.” They have a jargon and cant of their owm, to be ignorant of wiiich, in their estimation, is to be carnally-minded and unregenerate. God alone can enable me to be useful either to these deluded people or the other part of my flock. I am sensible that the grace of our Saviour can alone give that singleness of heart and spirituality of mind which characterizes his people at all times. I should wisli to be more sensible of my weakness in myself, and of my strength in Jesus.’ 8 INTRODUCTION. Such was the character of the flock to which J:he Great Head of the Church confined those labours, for which human wisdom would have selected a very diffe- rent sphere. And such, in its general features, it conti- nued through a period of twenty-five years, which he spent amongst them. He was indeed cheered by wit- nessing amongst his people many individual instances of altered conduct and renewed affections ; lie com- mitted the bodies of many to the grave ‘ in sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life,’ and with good grounds for trusting that they would be “ his crown and rejoicing at the appearing of the Lord Jesus Christ.” But his discouragements were never intermitted; the careless sinfulness of some, and the delusive profession of others, were always a burden to his soul — still they were the object of his unwearied solicitude. The health of different members of his family took him often from home for a season, and led to the exercise of his ministry in more populous and instructed places. In these he was always courted and admired ; and, (which to him was a far severer trial than that a])plause which is the common food of vanity,) he found in them, kindred minds able to return his warm affection, and “ esteem him very highly in love for hi$ work's sake.” In them, above all, he was not seldouot permitted to see the ])alpable effect of his “ work apid labour of love.” And yet from these more invil^^ occupations he returned always readily and checrfull3?|to his own appointed task — neither envying the charggMif others, nor slumbering in his own. To know that srueh a man continued wdth such effects the unintermitted labours of a holy life, may give encouragement to jttany who are pressed down with the apparent friutleslfeess of their ministerial work. It displays most stri^nglv Smissive activity which is the true frai|»e for fn usefulness ; as far apart from slothfufcess as that bustling love of action which will scarcely su^Hgood to be effected by another's efforts. le sound and sober habit of mind was c\'inceuhjr«’t. Ih* hail hern walkiiiL' with ii> upon the .-h«»re, within -itrht nl' St. ( 'arlierine*' In ;nl. iiciir which hf* liail >[M'nf a winter hn* hi^ >^0! -orii'n'Ne rnari. Giiiii stipiint lieti enmitc' li'unMpie jMeuimpie. t’r>‘tafo attutminl. L'-nulia h ^ta di< . INTRODUCTION. '^ always was, whenever, as was often the case in the later ^ stages of bis journey, the hand of the Lord was heavy upon him. Thus when, in 1831, he lost his aged Father, he wrote in the same strain to one who had addressed him in the language of Christian consolation. ‘ Mv DEAR Friend, Many thanks would I offer you for your feeling and Christian note. This is a moment when the sympathy and .supplica- tions of Christian brethren are indeed valuable, I have suffered, and do suffer acutely. My love to my Father was never small, and of late years it has been called out amazingly. Constant intercourse has done this: but above all, the sight of Christian graces in him, especially that of humility, has increased the warmth of my love. I could not therefore behold him on the bed of lan- guishing and death, without having my heart rent. But I look backwards at the mercies shown me in and with him, and I look ujiwards to the throne of grace, before which he bows with the Rerleemed ; and thence I do find supplies of strength to submit mceklv to the Lord ; and thence 1 trust to find that showers of grace and bles-ing will descend, to abase and juirify one “ whose soul cleaveth to the dust,"’ for heaven and its endless blessedness. SaxM niihi sni’trant vix vi.'^a adoportaqiie iiiinliis! Et vespertini littoris luitla «>:cinat ! ; Et spatiar sidas nnH um va«;al)\uulus artaia ! j Et natani orbato sit lacryinaiv patri ! i Huic iHi<‘ quondam licuit sperarc salnttan : I St'd iiiini.s luMi ! tallax spos ot inanis (Tat. ^ (a^iapiorar abri'ptuin ? quostus prooul absil ! at ipsi* I Qui rtcrot Jesus, non mihi fbuH* vetat. ijuin t(* lustiatum, carissinio, siniguiue (Juisti Tam eito cadestos betor inisse douu'^s. Non inaci(\s letbumvt' inc'umbunt sedibus istis F(*lii'i(pie nefa.s oxulat omnt^ lot'o. f/Onditus o tet'um jaceam ! tecumi^ue re.^ur^ons Stccula, non iterum te doliturus, airam ! 20 INTRODUCTION. I feel now like the soldier who has had one on each side of him laid low. O may this lay my pride low, and all my sins. May I live as a dying man, unto, and upon the Lord, then death will prove to be life.’ Very shortly before his own most unexpected sum- mons into the presence of his Master, he was again called upon to endure extreme affliction. ‘ His I'cmain- ing son, who had inherited, besides his own peculiar share, the love w-hich had been his brother’s portion, was seized with dangerous sickness. His father’s anguish was intense. But in his bitterest struggles not a thought but of the holine.ss and love of his God ever entered into his mind. The dispensation was dark to all who witnessed it. So entirelv was the hi'art which w'as stricken in accordance with the w’ill of God, that it was a sore trial of faith to believe that it was needed. It W'as remarked by one who knew him intimately, by one whose deep piety and matured jvulgment ae pure streams of a M/- R SHNA Mission j / -6 3 2. JNUI) t Of OLTUht Ubi'ANV 22 INTRODUCTION. renewed Spirit. ‘ I have the greatest fear,’ he said, ‘ of saying something in delirium which may di.shonour my God. I have heard of some good people who have been permitted to do so, and I have a horror of it.’ This was his fear ; but so far from its accomplishment, when his reason wandered, his mouth was filled with praises. He was reasoning with sinners, or speaking with unusual clearness and beauty of the deep things of God. When he was first laid upon that bed from which he never rose, he said to one near him, ‘ Now from this bed to glory, or else to live more than I have ever lived to the glory of my God.’ His humility of soul was strikingly exhibited in the course of this last struggle. ‘ Look at me,’ he said to those around him, ‘ look at me, the vilest of sinners, but saved by grace ! Amazing, that I can be saved.’ And this w’as heard to be his continual language — exalting the grace of God which w’as able to save even him. He thought too at this time of the welfare of those around him. He desired that an especial message might he delivered from him to all his people. ‘ 1 would have you,’ he .said, ‘ seek out every drunkard, swearer, and sinner in this ])lace, and warn them of God’s wrath against their sins. Tell them that all 1 have said to them is true. That on a bed of death I more thtin ever felt its truth — that a death-bed is no place for repentance.’ ‘ Tell,’ said he, ‘ the children of this place from me, to hate sin, to strive against it, and above all things to beware of putting off the time of beginning to serve God.’ Throughout the whole of this time his soul appeared to be eminently “ athirst for God. " ‘ Wrestle for me,’ said he, in broken accents, but with deep earnestness, to a Christian friend who .stood hy his bed, ‘ Wrestle for me, that 1 may go hence to glory, or else live more like the saints in glory;’ and at anoijibr time, when speaking of his earnest affection to his family, and his great happiness in them, In; ftdded with emphasis, ‘ but to be holy, to be perfectly holy, how giggly’ would 1 leave all of you, to be holv- Nor INTROD UCTION. 23 were there wanting in his case some of those unusual supports with which the Lord at times upholds the goings of his servants when they enter upon the dark valley of the shadow of death. His exceeding self- suspicion, and his habitual sobriety of feeling might not unnaturally have prevented the expression of any lively emotions of assured joy at the apprehension of the near approach of eternity. He l\pd moreover a nervous shrinking from the act of dying, yet it pleased God to pour at this season a flood of heavenly light Tipon his sold ; he passed the streams well nigh dry-shod. ‘ 1 am safe,’ was his rejoicing testimony, ‘ though a misei-able sinnei* — saved by grace, 1 have not a doubt;’ and calling to him one eminently beloved, he said, ‘ You know that I have always had a horror of superstition ; I believe that I inherited it, but I wish to tell you of the extraordinary revelation of himself which it has pleased God to make to my soul and then — ‘ do not misunderstand me, I do not mean by any vision, but by unusual spiritual communion with himself.’ The words, ‘ glory, glory,’ wei’c heard breaking from his lips as his countenance kindled into holy fervour ; and his lips spoke of ‘ that bright light ’ — which, when asked, ‘ what light ? ’ he explained to be ‘ the bright light of the Sun of Righteousness.’ !|; No less than four times during the last night which M spent upon earth w%'is he heard repeating to himself in solemn ascriptions of praise to God, “ Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Ghost. Amen.” And when, just before the last struggle, one said to him, ‘ the everlasting arms arc under you,’ lie answered w^ith eager joy, ‘ I know' they are — 1 feel them— that is enough.’ It was ‘enough’ for him. He had been found faith- ful. His Lord, on whom he relied, was able to deliver him ; he forsook not his servant who trusted in him ; but even as he passed through the waters which sepa- rate this world from the next, he put a new’ song into his mouth, and filled his tongue with the praises of his 24 INTRODUCTION. Lord. And now he rests with him. That pure SOul has attained the sinless state for which he panted ; he is with that Saviour whom he loved ; he has tried the promise of the Lord, and found his word true: “ Be thou faithful unto death , and I will give thee a crown of life.” T.ETTJiRS AND JOURNALS OF HENRY MARTYN. LE'l'TERS, &c. Swansea, August 9, 1802. Dear Sargent, You see by the date of my letter, that I have al- most reached the end of my long j)ilgrimage. Our first resting place was Wenlock in Shropshire, from whence we went on the Sunday to Madeley church. You must have heard of Mr. Fletcher, who was formerly Rector of this place. We wore introduced to Mrs. F. by a young man who first introduced himself to us. We took some coffee with him afterwards, and he told us he had formerly been a cornet in the 15th Light Dra- goons, but had retired from the world, and had now lived in solitude nearly three years, employed in nothing but reading the Rible and visiting the sick. He was perfectly meek and gentle in his manners, and seemed quite happy. I leave you to make your own reflec- tions on this phenomenon. From Wenlock we became pedestrians, and went successively to Shrewsbury, the Vale of Llangollen, and Cliester, from whence we sailed down the Mersey to Liverpool. From this place I proceeded to Holywell, &c. alone. * * * 1 hus have I been preserved by the protecting pro- vidence of God, and been endued with bodily strength to accomplish my journey with ease. I have never once wished for a companion ; even in the most gloomy mo- ments I have found the Bible a never failing source of interesting thought. 1803. Jan. S — 11. Often gave way to levity and 28 letters. [1803 arrogance in conversation, and w by temptations to cowarc/Zy as God never suffered them to be of long continuance, my mind enjoyed considerable peace. 12 — 19. Reading Lowth on Isaiali — Acts — and abridged Bishoj) Hopkins’- first sermon on Regeneration. On the 19th called on , from whom I found that 1 was to go to the East Indies, not as a Missionary, but in some superior capacity ; to be stationed at Calcutta, or possibly at Ceylon. This prospect of this world’s happiness gave me rather pain than pleasure, which convinced me that I had before been running away from the world, rather than overcoming it. During the * whole course of the day, I was more worldly than for some time past, unsettled and dissatisfied. In conversa- tion therefore, 1 found great levity, pride, and bitterness. What a sink of corruption is this heart, and yet I can go on from day to day in self-seeking and self-pleasing ! Lord, shew me myself ; nothing but “ wounds and bruises, and putrifying sores,” and teach me to live by faith on Christ mv all. iS7. Johns, Jan. l7, 1803. My dear Sargent, I find from that you really expect me to fulfil a promise I never made. However, as vou allow me to send you even a skeleton of a letter, I sit down, resolved to avail myself of the permission, if 1 find it necessary. * * * # # * * G — and II — seem to disapprove of my project much ; and on this account I have been rather discouraged of late, though not in any degree con- vinced. It would be more satisfactory to go otit with the full approbation of my friends, but it is in vain to attempt to please man. In doubtful ca.se.s, we are to use the opinions of others no further than as means directing our own judgment. My sister hUvS olfio ol^ ject^ to it, on the .score of mv deficiency in that de.yj) "’*‘^|^Iid experience ncccs.sary in a missionary. You ras frequently assaulted '.i'/Zty' //raoi'A' iv// LETTERS. 29 ^ 803 ] .^fjiave taken rooms, I think in the Temple, so that ^the providence of God seems to have called you irre- vocably to the profession of the law. Though I cannot help regretting that one so well qualified to preach the glad tidings of salvation, should be called off to labour in the business of this world, yet we may be sure, that whatever is undertaken according to his will, will be attended with his blessing. You will, I dare say, find a double degree of watchfulness necessary to preserve a proper state of mind. In the case of those who minister in the sanctuary, temporal and spiritual occupations are one ; corresponding to the necessity of a superior de- gree of holiness in those who are to be examples. But in your case, even a common degree of spirituality cannot be maintained without much attention. Many have found that occasional aspirations after God have been made the channels of the communications of his grace in the midst of worldly business, and have left ithe mind not disqualified for the employments of heaven, flndeed this seems to be a good criterion of our state. For surely the new-born soul never more truly acts 'according to its heavenly nature, than when it delights to shake off the clogs of earth, and to leave the \vorld beneath it, and to rise exultingly to God. Though it is hard to be thus minded, yet it is undoubtedly our pri- ifilege. Blit nothing bxit almighty grace is sufficient for these things, as tlie coldness we all feel manifests. I have been reading Hopkins’s sermons to-day. I would give you my opinion of them — (1 could willingly fill the sheet) but the time does not allow me. Therefore, adieu. 23. Rose with a dead weight upon my mind, found it very difficult to pray at all, and seemed veiy little the better for it. * I ’ This extract from Mr. Martyu's Journal, with many others of a like ^nature, refer to a strictly private matter, whicli throughout this, and part pf the two succeeding year^, proved a continual source of severe gffliction, often harassing his, (i^nscience, engrossing much of his time, and ^eply depressing his spi^^lS. Through the whole continuance of this pial, the increasing spirithhlity of his mind is remarkably evincetl. To 30 JOURNAL. [1803 24. Tolerably composed in the morning, and was much comforted by the promises of God’s support, amidst all the trials of the world. Began Lowth this morning. In my walk out, and during the remainder of the day, the sense of my own weakness and worthlessness called me to watchfulness and dependance upon the grace of Christ. Lost much time at s in the even- ing, by joining in trifling conversation. A little tract on eternity, and some of the Revelations, made a strong impression upon me this evening. Went to bed with a clear view of the infinite necessity of an ardent pursuit of holiness. \\ (> 3 2- • 25. Fretful and impatient. Bore the pall at Parry’s funeral, but my heart was cold and hard. With B — in the evening, no one but Foster being there. Ought I not to have introduced the subject of religion ? How short-lived are right affections ! What madness is it to be slothful in drawing nigh to the Lord. 31. Had a kind of calmness, but little sweetness in divine things. Mr. Simeon drank tea with me in the evening, hut whatever be the reason, I seldom profit by the conversation of others ; particularly the godly. Told me that concerning the trials and temptations attending the Christian life, I might know just as much as about the distances of the planets. Some general notions I might have, but that I really knew nothing about them. This rather humbled me, but instead of blessing the Lord, that in compassion to my weakness, he had warded off the fiery darts of the wicked, I was vexed at finding I was not so forward in religion as my pride suggested. Oh the desperate wickedness of this heart ! and yet the chief part lies concealed from my view. Feb. 1. Wasted time in unnecessary sleep. After this I can never cheerfully either pray, or begin my give an instance of the way in which he particularly mentions it, he says, 3, 1804. ‘ Oh, it is a sorrowful time! This business, distraction of mind from God through it, anxiety, &c. make me often droop ; but the throne of grace, where Jesus intercedes for sinners, is rny only refuge. My desire is to trust God entirely.’ And on another occasion he adds; ‘ Oh in w^t way will the Lord work my deliverance ?’ 1803] JOURNAL. 31 daily employments. Felt but weak in my desires after God. For want of reading the Scriptures, could not collect my thoughts in my walk. 2. In a poor and lukewarm state this morning. Re- solved in my walk to send away two of my pupils, as I found my time so much taken up by them of late, instead of being devoted to reading the Scriptures, in which I have done little or nothing. May God enable me to give this redeemed time to him. N. stayed with me a short time in the evening, and discovered to me, by his conversation, my infinite inferiority to him in divine experience, as well as exemplified in himself a truly humble and watchful spirit. Prayed with some little fervour to be like him, and of course to be like the debased Redeemer, whose unparalelled humiliation in Isaiah liii, I had been reading. But was rather gloomy at not finding myself as I wished. 3. * * * Had some strength and fervour in prayer, hoped that • I should ever after esteem others better than myself. 4. Had some remains of that humbled spirit, the sweetness of which is satisfying. But at breakfast ‘ the old man ’ showed itself in contemptuous expressions toward others. Had something like poverty of spirit in Hall. Read Lc^wth in the afternoon, till I was quite tired. Endeavoured to think of Job xiv. 14, and to have solemn thoughts of death, but could not find them be- fore my pupil came, to whom I explained justification by faith, as he had ridiculed Methodism. But talk upon what I will, or with whom I will, conversation leaves me milled and discomposed. From what docs this arise ? From a want of the sense of God.’s pre- sence when I am with others. 6. Read the Scriptures, between breakfast and church, in a very wandering and unsettled manner, and in my walk was very weak in desires after God. As I found myself about the middle of the day full of pride and formality, I found some relief in prayer. Sat with H. and D. after dinner, till three, but though 32 JOURNAL. [1803 silent, was destitute of humility. Read some of S. Pearce’s life, and was much interested by his account of the workings of his mind on the subject of his mission. Saw reason to be thankful, that I had no such tender ties to confine me at home, as he seemed to have ; and to be amazed at myself, in not making it a more fre- quent object of reflection, and yet to praise God for calling me to minister in the glorious work of the conversion of the Gentiles ... I almost dread to set apart any precise time for extraordinary devo- tions, lest it should be all thrown away through the weakness of my mind, which so soon flags in spiritual things. Oh how hard it is to live by faith — and impos- sible to abound in the work of the Lord without love ! Yet love, which makes a heaven below, he has en- couraged us to expect. O that I may learn now my utter helplessness without thee, and so by deep humi- liation be qualified for greater usefulness. 7. Much fatigued with reading so dong to-day without exercise ; yet my spirits not so low as before. In the evening, just as I was going to read a few hymns which I have lately found to be delightful, was interrupted by R. who staid till nine. Rather vexed, but did not shew any chagrin. Our conversation was on mathema- tics, and was ended only by my hinting at the un- satisfactory nature of human science, which presently put a period to our conversation. Had some dishearten- ing thoughts at night at the prospect of being stripped of every earthly comfort. But who is it that maketh my comforts to be a source of enjoyment ! Cannot the same make cold, and hunger, and nakedness, and peril, to be a train of ministering angels conducting me to glory ? What true wisdom is resignation — yet how does my unbelief revolt against the dictates of reason ! I feel little desire of preaching the gospel, and have some difficulty in conceiving the pleasure and an]c|ety expressed by most faithful ministers about their people. I find that in whatever manner the most holy ministers speak of their success, I am very apt to be disgusted 1803 ] JOURNAL. 33 at the prominent character of the instrument ; and I record this, that at some future period I may derive advantage from it. O for humility. Love cannot exist without gratitude — nor gratitude without humility. Much refreshed with reading the 91st Psalm. 8. Generally speaking, in a more calm and composed state than for some days before. I find that in my most serious moments 1 am, through mere habit, disposed to a cynic flippancy. Not quite pleased with that respect and attention shewn me by my friends. In the afternoon H — came, and we resumed our exercises of reading and prayer, suspended for many weeks. I was by no means particular enough with respect to my own wants or even of our common needs, in my prayer — but was too general in petition, as through want of use I had not the command of my thoughts. Some men coming in after our reading was over, I rather lost this little degree of spirituality by unwatchfulness. But upon the whole I have been comparatively happy to day, and find my mind more active and energetic than when I pass the whole day in reading. 9. Had a more quiet spirit to-day, but not much more of the presence of God, through unbelieving fears in the morning, and distraction by worldly men in the- evening. Read Greek Testament. From not seeing any allusion to infernal possessions any where but in the gospels, and also from observing that “ their own children would cast them out,” terrifying doubts arose about the truth of the whole, but through the mercy of God they were soon dissipated. But I determined to investigate the ‘subject more thoroughly. Sat a little with D. but spiritual things were not uppermost in our conversation or in my thoughts ; an idle curiosity led me in the afternoon to the knowledge of something which I had better not have known. In the evening several men by celling disturbed me— had however some little solemnity afterwards — finished 1st book of Samuel, and read Psalms iii|j-iv. But, O ray soul ! this is poor work ! 34 JOURNAL. [1803 Condemned myself for not exerting myself in doing good to man by visiting the sick, &c. 1 0 . Enjoyed during the course of the morning a sweet solemnity of soul ; but from wandering of thought during the morning walk, I returned with my mind more clouded. Read Matthew xiii. and xiv. and by frequent supplications for grace, was preserved in a good de- gree from that pride and worldlincss which I have so often found to attend critical study. But in the after- noon this solemn tone of mind degenerated into for- mality and stupidity ; and in the evening at tea with D. my unsteady .conversation betrayed me into most exces- sive levity. Was of course little prepared for public worship; Yet during the latter part of it, and the sermon, I felt more serious, and returned home ashamed of myself, and despising that vanity of spirit which so separates me from the blessed God. Oh that I may more deeply mourn over that guilt which I contract daily by so inconsistent a walk. 11. Rose with a violent cold and cough. Some diffi- culties about Algebra which I thought it my duty to examine for the sake of my pupil, occupied the early part of the morning ; and the 16th chap, of St. Matthew the rest. Spoke to T. about some things which I thought wrong in him ; and though not conscious of using any particular harshness at the time, felt great pain at my having done it without love. Oh why should I take upon myself to be a reprover, with so much to blame ev’en in my outward conduct. Resolved not to reprove any more except I experience at the tirhe a peculiar contrition of spirit, in all cases where I cart conscientiously be silent. Was low-spirited after-' wards and during dinner, at the sense of contracted guilt. Drank wine with . But as usual nothing was said that could betray us to be the people of God. Finding my throat sore ; the recollection of sitting.- in the very room where P. died presented me with the vieyr of death. 1 passed the greater part of the evening in self-examination and prayer ; and reading the Psalms 1803 ] JOURNAL. 35 and Revelations as far as my illness permitted me. Though I could discover no allowed sin, yet my soul was agitated with alternate hopes and fears. The promises were clear — as free, as full as the dying sinner could wish ; yet, alas ! I sought in vain for that sweetness of meditation on death which I ought and wished to feel. Oh ! for a more realizing faith, and the encouragements of hope and love. Oh that I could love indeed. I think I can say that I have no other desire to live, biit to live to his glory — but with fear and trembling should I say it, as I have a heart deceitful fibove all things. Do thou, my Saviour, support me through life and death, and I will fear no evil. 12. Cold rather worse. Breakfasted with H. and had some right conversation. Read Greek Testament during morning. After dinner H. sat with me till nine, and read first some poetry, then Psalms and Hebrews. Felt some secret fears of death. 1 3. Heard Mr. Simeon this morning on ‘ ‘ the certainty of the promises,” which I found to be rather appropriate to myself. Rc Read Hebrew ; and the Greek Testament. — drink |ea 'iyth me in the evening ; my hope of him is become languinc. May his will be thoroughly subduccl to |fi03] JOURNAL. 65 the obedience of faith. With — to day, but seemed fearful of pressing home the humbling truths of the gospel to him, though he receives all I say with candour. 22. Two men from Clare Hall breakfasted with me. A fear of man, which prevented me from sapng grace before breakfast, brought me into inexpressible confusion of conscience. Recovered a little by saying it after. How foolish am I, and ignorant, and cowardly, to be afraid to worship the Lord of Hosts before his rebellious crea- tures. Walked with B. and discovered great selfishness and want of charity. Fear of man again at table to-day, not by my silence, for that was unavoidable, but by look and manner. My heart condemned me, but not at the time. But the Lord is greater than our* hearts, he knoweth all things. He brought it to my mind after- wards, so that I could not but appear to myself exceed- ingly vile and contemptible. 23. I was under disquiet at the prospect of my future work abroad, encompassed with difficulties, but I trusted that I was under the guidance of infinite wisdom, %>and on that I could rest. From the contemplation of the maze before me, I was led to a calm and melancholy reflection on the vanity of the world, the mighty power of God, the mystery of our existence, and in prayer afterwards I drew nigh to God. 24. Walked to Shelford, when I was in a gloomy temper from being vainly concerned about the appear- ance of the body. It is enough to astonish and distress me, that in spite of my convictions of the perfect nothingness of this world, of the opinion of men, and above all, of the insignificancy of bodily appearance, I sliould stilkfeel any concern about the appearance of my person. This is Mr. Simeon’s birth-day. After dinner he spoke in a very edifying manner on the subject. He said he could thank God for his creation, though so little had been done him in these forty four years. May I have done as^^i^ch in the same time ! 25. Had a sweetip^itation in the garden, but much vanity of mind in 41^ course of the day. drank 56 JOURNAL. te& with me, but the world seemed uppermost in Ails thoughts. I ought to be more close in my dealing with the consciences of those to whom I can speak on religion. I vras' quite overpowered with sleep at time of evening prayer. 27. Abridged the two first sections of Edwards on Original Sin. Designed to visit Mrs. S, but through delay and fear of my frame being unsuitable, I did not go, and so brought pain to my conscience, which was a proof that it was not in my heart to go ; for if it were pleasant to go, I should not be easily satisfied with the - excuses for not going. 28 . It appeared this morning as if I had been long .absent from God. It is of his mercy that he restoreth my soul, and leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Continued the abridgment of Edwards. Read Zechariah with Lowth. As 1 had fixed on two places to visit this evening, the prospect of it made me unhappy this morning. But in my walk out, I felt ashamed at having demurred at such a blessed work, as comforting the afflicted and instructing thei^; ignorant, especially when hundreds of God’s people, ’ especially his ministers, are doing it with infinite pains and satisfaction in all parts of the globe. I perceived that the reason of my unwillingness to pray with others* arose not from any thing else, than a vain desire of the esteem of men. For were I dead to the world and the opinions of it, I should speak in prayer with composuife, and heave the testimony of a good conscience. Wher^ the remembrance of the pain succeeding hypocrit^lijd prayers, diffuses the bitterness of gall over the day, be||tC the duty is done. Alas ! I have much unmo»tificd p||pc to subdue yet. When shall I live with my thoug|bts wrapt up in God and heaven, and crucified to the woip,? How many of my days are lost, if their worth is t^be measured by the standard of prevailing heavenly-mrnd- edness ! I think sometimes that if I could find the work of God in this particular, (praying with the sidk or ot^m a delight, nothing wou|tl prevent my enjoying JOURNAL. 57 the fuir earnest of heaven. Bat this I shall hereafter find to be vain. What but the humbling influence of the Spirit, shewing me my vileness and desperate wick- edness, can ever produce such an habitual temper ? I thought at dinner, with what awful and deep submission should I work the work of God, were I to see some marvellous manifestation of his glory in providence, or if my own death were fixed for to-day. O Lord, let me glorify thee in the faithful view of thy worthiness, of thy design in commanding the cross, and with gratitude for being spared * # * * I found it in my heart to pour forth my soul to God. I was constrained to praise God for his mercy. Admire, my soul ! the displayed perfections, the transacted works, the fulfilled promises of the Most High. Let me believe his mighty works and sing his praise. 29. A nervous headache prevented my reading: so I j)assed the morning in the open air, striving to fix my thoughts on John iv. 10, on which I wished to write a sermon. I could not make out much, though the thought of the living water brought me into a calm and peaceful frame. But before I got home, many an evil tliought possessed my mind. Mr. Simeon’s sermon in the evening, on 2 Chron xxxii. 31, discovered to me my corruption and vileness, more than any sermon I have ever heard. His divisions were — We little think, what is in our hearts, till we are tried ; We shall soon give some awful proof when we are tried ; How one sin may show us all the evil of our hearts. If David, who had so closely walked with God, fell into the most foul and filthy abominations, what must my danger be who walk so unstably ! Lord, save thy ser- vant from presumptuous sins, that they have not domi- nion over me. Hezekiah’s sin was vanity. Instead of directing the ambassadors who came to inquire about the phenomenon, to the knowledge of Jehovah, who had set the sun in the j||!»](^amcnt, he thought only of grati- fying his pride, «|shewing them his treasures, &c. How many times I fallen into this sin ? And had 58 LETTER. «■ ■'# God left me every time to shew me what was in my heart ? And did I fall into it again and again, without learning it ? Oh, the riches of his patience and long- suffering ! St. Johns, September 29, 1803. How long it seems since I heard from you, my dear Sargent; and yet I have only myself to blame, for not answering a letter you sent m^ in the middle of August. * # * X shall be anxious to know how you have been passing your summer, not I hope, as I have, amidst the din of arms. I give our drilling this lofty title, because a little is sufficient to disturb me. Too many resident friends in. the univer- sity, have contributed not a little to the frittering away of my time. I mean, however, to leave the university corps forthwith, as the day of ordination (Oct. 23,) is drawing near. Very little indeed have I done this summer. As this is the last long vacation I shall ever pass as an I am rather disappointed at having lost such a season of retirement. Our Lord led a very retired life ; his ministers, therefore, it should seen^ ought to do so too. Yet I sometimes think that it is from too much indulging solitude, that I am so easily distracted in company. But how great must be youir trials from so much worldly business and w’orldly ple|^ sure ! How ought we, who are entrusted with the n^- istration of the spirit, whose very breath ought tc^be prayer, to beseech God to preserve you and his o|^r saints engaged in the business of time ! May he ' :^ep you unspotted from the world, and so dwell in y^lfby his Spirit, that while your thoughts are neces^irily engaged with earthly things, your heart may Ipl in heaven ! Unhappily our treacherous hearts, if inte^Mtcd but lawfully in other things, are thereby less apt tflfeke pleasure in religious medit^ion. My studies durii^ the last three months have been Hebrew, Greek Testament, Jon, Edwards on Original Sin, and oh the Affections, and Hopkins, — your favourite and mine. Never did JOURNAL. 59 ;| 03 ] I read such energetic language, such powerful appeals to the conscience. Somehow or other he is able to excite most constant interest, say what he will. I have been lately reading the first volume of the Reports of the Missionary Society, who sent out so many to Otaheite and the southern parts of Africa. You would find the account of Dr. Vanderkemp’s Mission into Caffraria •infinitely entertaining. It appeared so much so to me, that I could read nothing else while it lasted. Respect- ing my own concerns in this way, no material change has taken place, either externally or internally, except that my sister thinks me unqualified, through want of religious experience, and that I find greater pleasure at the prospect of it. I am conscious, however, of viewing things too much on • the bright side, and think more readily of the happiness of seeing the desert rejoice and blosfiom as the rose, than of pain, and fatigue, and crosses, and disappointments. However it shall be determined for me, it is my duty to crush the risings of self-will, so as to be cheerfully prepared to go or stay. Your’s ever, H. Martyn. Oct. 1. Endeavomed to write on John iv. 10, but felt a degree of fretfulness at being able to produce nothing. G. staid with me an hour, during whi^ time ray temper and conversation were very different from thajt of my Lord and Saviour. Strove in my walk to rise from under the burden of corruption that oppressed me, by looking to Jesus. When I was beginning to shrink from the duties I had designed for the evening, a sight of my own real state, as saved only by grace, and so not my own, vpas sufficient to quicken me. But how dark and stupid is my soul in spiritual things 1 Oh let thy continual pity attend me still, O Lord ! In the afternoon read in Law’s Serious Call, the chapter on Resignation, and payed for it according to his direc- tion. I rather a regular distribution of tlja-^iJly for prayer, to o^j^n the three great graces ^4^mility, {jO jou^nAl. [JSO^ Moyi^/^and resignation, would be far the best way to gr6w in them. The music at chapel led my thoughts to heaven, and I went cheerfully to Mrs. S. H. drank tea with me afterwards. As there was in the Christian Observer something of my own, the first which ever appeared in print, I felt myself going off to vanity and levity, but was enabled to check it a little. Never- theless the world and the opinions of the world clouded . my views of God during the remainder of the evening. 2. Rose earlier than usual, and after combating some prejudices which arose, as they often do against the service of God, I prayed with some sense of the privilege of prayer, but not with enlargement. Staid to receive the sacrament at Trinity Church, chiefly from being convinced from the sermon on the subject of its import- ance. I was less hurried in my spirits than usually at this ordinance, but at the time of actually receiving it, my faith was not in exercise. I was in a happy frame most of the day. 6. Read Leslie’s Short Method, and was exceedingly irritated at not being able to understand it as soon or ag clearly as I expected. Finished the Greek Testamenfi’ This time of reading it over has been attended with great satisfaction. I was very impatient with my pujill this afternoon. This unhumbled spirit ought to be i'a matter of very serious attention to me. IndependeniJy of other considerations, how unfit is .such a temper ^r the work of evangelizing the heathens ! Well is it^or my .soul that the Lord is not provoked with my i^|EltQ> ranee and perverseness in divine things. Dranl^eji with H. and laboured to preserve a meek and jliii^t spirit. I 7 . Read Malachi, and w-as exceedingly refresh*^ by chap. iii. to v. 16, and felt greatly encouraged to fevery duty, particularly that of speaking to and exhorting -0hers, which of late has appeared to be one of unli- mited extent and insuperable difficulty. Was in some pain at not having joined — — in walks, and speaking to them ; but the way to know JOURNAL. 61 1803 ] when to abstain and when to address them, is to have love. Did I but love and seek their soul’s welfare, I should not think it sufficient to speak and offend them at once, and consider the duty to God as done, but I should watch for proper opportunities when I might hope it would be effectual. But I want a willingness to labour incessantly for the good of souls with all self- denial. — came at seven and staid till nine : we soon got into dispute which continued without intermission the whole time. He is as far from the truth as ever, very obsti- nate, but at the same time never offended with sarcasm or ridicule. The din of controversy little agrees with heavenly-mindedness. Though I entered on it from a sense of duty, yet I took not heed to my spirit, and lost all sight of tenderness and pity. 9. Rose at six, which is earlier than of late, and passed the whole morning in great tranquillity. I prayed to be sent out to China, and rejoiced in the prospect of the glorious day when Christ shall be glorified on earth. At chapel the music of the chant and anthem seemed to be in my ears as the sounds of heaven, particularly the anthem, I Chron. xxix. 10. But these joys, alas! par- take much of the flesh in their transitory nature. At chapel I wished to return to my rooms to read the song of Moses the servant of God, &c. in the Revelations, but when 1 came to it found little pleasure. The sound of the music had ceased, and with it my joy, and nothing remained but evil temper, darkness, and unbelief. All this time I had forgotten what it is to be a poor humble soul. I had floated off the Rock of Ages into the deep, wliere I was beginning to sink had not the Saviour stretched out his hand and said to me. It is I ! Let me never be cheated out of my dependence on him, nor ever forget my need ofiKim. 12. Reading l|j|^y’s Evidences. Had my pride deeply wounded to-day perceived that I was far from humi- lity. Great bitteri^B and dislike arose in my mind against the man who hadfeen the unconscious cause of it. Oh, 62 JOURNAL. [1803 may I learn daily my hidden evils, and loathe myself for my secret abominations ! Prayed for the man and found my affections return. 13. Reading Evidences. Interrupted by the' calls of some friends. In great unhappiness on account of the necessity of speaking to men for their good, and of some other things. # * # This is a cer- tain symptom of a sickly mind. All these things I should have taken as recreations at one time. But says St. Paul, “ do thou endure hardness as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.” Let me not thus in the way of duty suffer trifles to daunt or disquiet my mind. Never be fearful or unbelieving, but keep body and mind under, through the grace of God. 14. My prayers have been frequent of late, but I cannot realize the presence of Almighty God. I have not enjoyed communion with him, else there would not be such strangeness in my heart towards the world to come. How vain is it to strive unassisted against cor- ruption ! How empty and ungodly that sourness and bitterness I feel at seeing the evil of my heart f Alas t repentance shuts the mouth, and victory over sin is obtained in silence. “ Be still and know that I am God.” “ In returning and rest shall ye saved — in quietness and confidence shall be yo# strength.” ^ 15. Was in a great bustle the whole day, yet in pe general frame of my mind rejoicing. In my mornmg walk my heart expanded with joy, yet it was si6n obscured by pride. 16. Rose sleepy and unrefreshed, and in the |^l€ time I had for reading and prayer before moiptilg service was wandering and careless. At church afi^rst was in a most fretful state of discontent at the si^t of mj^ own vanities, and of my concern about the hodyi A fefr transient glimpses of the happiness of having the heart in heaven made me strive earnestly against my corruptions, and God gave me great!||: peace during the pder of the sers'ice. The certamty of future glory 1803 ] JOURNAL. 63 appeared very strongly to me at chapel, and filled my heart with many sweet affections. 18. The morning was employed by the declamation. As I had broken in upon the time of reading the Scrip- tures and prayer at noon, I was more than ordinarily careful to maintain a mind unaffected with human studies and earthly things during my morning walk ; and the words “ I«will come into him and sup with him, and he with me,” furnished me with many delightful views of the grace and condescension of my Lord. 19. Rose with my heart somewhat tender and humble, and suitable to this day, which was set apart for a public fast. I should have found this day far more effectually answering its end, if I had been less interrupted, (which I might indeed have managed by precaution) as my mind was disposed to dwell on heavenly things in a serious and solemn frame. I wished to have made my approaching ordination to the ministry a more leading ^)bject of my prayers. For two or three days I have ^|J)een reading some of St. Augustine’s Meditations, and '^as delighted with the hope of enjoying such commu- nion with God as this holy man. Blessed be God ! nothing prevents, no earthly business, no earthly love can rightfully intrude to claim my thoughts, for I have professedly resigned them all. My mind still continues in a joyous and happy state, though at intervals, through want of humility, my confidence seems vain. 20. This morning was almost all lost, by friends coming in. At noon I read the fortieth chapter of Isaiah. Amidst the bustle of common life, how frequently has my heart been refreshed by the descriptions of the future gldry of the church, and the happiness of man hereafter ! Pride shews itself every hour of every day ! What long and undisturbed possession does self-complacency hold of my heart ! Wlp| plans, and dreams, and visions of futurity fill my imitation every day in which self is the prominent obj^ ! O Lord, now that so few things without happ|ji to me to humble my soul, let thy Spirit secretly te^||h me what I am. 64 JOURNAL. [1803 21. In walking I sought to ascend to God without a contrite spirit, and so I felt great dissatisfadtion and fearfulness. 22. Went in a gig to Ely with B. Having had no time for morning prayer, my conversation was poor. At Chapel, I felt great shame at having come so confi- dently to offer myself for the ministry of the Lord Jesus Christ, with so much ignorance, and unholiness, and I thought it would be but just if I were sent off with ignominy. Dr. M — the examining chaplain, set me to construe the xith chapter of Matthew : Grotius : To turn the first article ii^to Latin : To prove the being of a God, his infinite power and goodness : To give the evi- dence of Christianity to Jews and heathens : To shew the importance of the miracle of the resurrection of Christ. He asked an account also of the Pharisees, Sadducees, and Scribes, the places of the worship amongst the Jews, &c. After leaving the palace I was in very low spirits, I had now nothing to think of but the w'eight and difficulty of the work which lay before me, whic^ never appeared so great at a distance. At dinner th^^ conversation was frivolous. After tea I was left alone with one of the deacons, to whom I talked seriously, and desired him to read the ordination service, at whi0h he was much affected. Retired to my room early, ahd besought God to give me a right and affecting senseiof things. I seemed to pray a long time in vain, so dirk and distracted was my mind. At length I began to ^ feel the shameful and cruel neglect and unconcern for tthe honour of God, and the souls of my brethren in h^ing trifled with men whom I feared were about to “ lie the Holy Ghost.” So I went to them again, resolving la\' hold on any opportunity, but found none to do^; any thing effectually. Went to bed with a painful scapse of my hardness of heart and unsuitable preparation for the ministry. 23. Rose early, and prayed, not without distrac- tion. I then walked, but could not acquire a right and py sense of God’s mercy in callipg me to the ministry ; 1803] JOURNAL. 65 but was melancholy at the labours that awaited me^ On returning, I met one of the deacons, to whom I spoke on the solemn occasion, but he seemed incapable of entertaining a serious thought. At half-past ten we went to the cathedral. During the ordination and sacramental services I sought in vain for a humble heavenly mind. The outward shew which tended to inspire solemnity affected me more than the faith of Christ’s presence, giving me the commission to preach the gospel. May I have grace to fulfil those promises I made before God and the people ! After dinner, walked with great rapidity to Cambridge. I went straight to Trinity Church, where my old vanities assailed ifty spul. How monstrous and horrible did they appear in me now that I was a minister of holy things ! I could scarcely believe that so sacred an office should be held by one who had such a heart within. B. sat with me in the evening, but I was not humbled ; for I had not been near to God to obtain the grace of con- trition. On going to prayer at night I was seized wdth a most violent sickness. In the pain and disorder of my body I could but commend myself faintly to God’s mercy in Jesus Christ. 24 — 29 Busily employed in writing a sermon, and from the slow advances I made in it, w^as in general very melancholy. I read on the Thursday night for the first time in Trinity church. 30. Rose with a heavy heart, and my head empty, from having read so little of the scriptures this last week. After church sat with — , two hours conversing al;)out the Missionary plan. He considered my ideas on the subject to be enthusiastic, and told me that I had neither strength of body or mind for the work. This latter defect I did not at all like ; it was galling to the pride of my heart, and I went to bed hurt ; yet thank- ful to God for sendii^ me one who would tell me the 31 — Nov. 5. (wpf part of this week also taken up with writing on i^mn iv. 10. yet with a mind less F 66 JOURNAL. [1803 glooniy than last week. The subject, indeed of Christs free and gracious offer of the living water, tenrded to enliven my heart. Yet for want of more reading the the scriptures! my prayers were poor. 6. I was in a most delighted and happy frame this morning, at the thought of preaching the gospel, and felt as if I could place myself in the Saviour’s stead, ahd as if my heart would melt at offering the water of life to the sons of men. But on reading over my own sermon, I was chilled and frozen at the deadness and stupidity of it. I commended it, and myself, and the people, to his grace. Read at Trinity as usual, and rode to Lolworth, where there was a v^ery small congregation, at which my pride was beginning to take the alarm.; but the hope of doing good, though Ijut to one soul, brought me to a different spirit. There seemed to be one or two who heard the word gladly, and to those I could have been willing to preach for days together. After evening church, Mr, S. told me I ought to read with more so- lemnity and devotion, at which I was not a little grieved and amazed. H. also, and my other friends, com- plained of my speaking too low, and with too little elocution. These things, with the difficulty I had found in making sermons, and the poorness of them, made mi appear exceedingly contemptible to myself. I began see (and amazing is it to say) for the first time, that must be contented to take my place among men if second-rate abilities ; that there were men who excell^ me in every thing. I therefore first discovered into wliit profound ignorance and dreadful presumption my ^mllly worldly honours and pride had led me. Humbldt|^t this conviction, I perceived it to be right, though it IfR* certainly a novel thought to me, if God and his nlbre perfect creatures were glorified together, and I werc^ast f pt and forgotten. In all my humiliations, which have een few and transient, and with all the humility I imagined myself to possess, I still obstin|^ly m||;^||ined my fancied place aq^gst men. Alithis en going forward in a heai^which conceived it- 1803] LETTER. 67 self to have attained something of the humility of Jesus Chiist. Now in the retrospect of these things I see two causes of humiliation : one is that my pride and ignorance are so great, in assigning to myself a station to which I did not belong ; secondly, in being pained at discovering my inferiority to my friends in unimportant accomplishments. Oh that I may not be deceived in the consideration of the state of my soul in regard to eternity ! 7 — 10. Employed in preparing the last Sunday’s sermon for Thursday, and in writing on Heb. vi. 11. The convictions I had received of my extreme ignorance in spiritual things remained, and sometimes made me earnest for the teachings of God’s Spirit. 13. I longed to draw very near to God, to pray him that he would give me the Spirit of wisdom and revelation. I thought of David Brainerd, and ardently desired his devotedness to God and holy breathings of soul. 18. In my walk spok^to three young men who were .il^earing. They seemed to be much confounded, and to talce deeply what I said to them. I look forward often to the time of my hoped-for mission with joy. I 'hope my expectation of comfort in it arises from a desire to do something for Christ, though my great unconcern for souls here may well make me doubt it. St. John’s, Nov. 18, 1803. I thank you, my dear Sargent, for your prayers on the day of my ordination. I rejoiced to think that many were putting up to heaven for me ; for much indeed did * need them. Neither at that time nor since have 1 been duly affected with the awfulness of the charge. The incessant employment: of* sermon-writing has left me little leisure for quiet consiSlration ; and so my spirits have been greatly depres^**^ the last three weeks. The four sermons I have ed are on .Job xiv. 14. John iy. 10. Psalm ix. 1^ Heb. vi. 11. two of them at Trinity church. M Lolworth congregation is about F •>> 68 LETTER. [1803 one hundred. Mow that' the composition of ser/nons will become easier, I hope to perform all the duties of the ministry with more attention than I have yet been able to give. Time and prayer will, I trust, through the grace of. God remove that childish thought- lessness which attends me still, and make me feel where I stand. * # # * ^y. conversations with — have been attended with no small advantage to me in the way of wholesome correction. He is the only man of all my friends here that tells me the truth plainly ; and so is the only one, who by lowering my pride, eventually promotes my sanctification and peace. * * * * As you have read Law, tell me your opinion of him. He is rather a favourite of mine, though not without his faults. It seems by what your friends here say, that you do not engage with sufficient earnestness in your worldly business. I hardly know what to give as my opinion on this subject. The law is so very different from all other pursuits, in the time and labour required for it. Yet on the other hand there is Sir Matthew Hale. * # * * x never hear a word about the missionary business. If you see Mr. Wilberforcc, and his mind is not too miich occu- pied about the present affairs of national danger, a-sk him something about it. I am, dear Sargent, Yours ever truly, H. Martvn. 19. As H. of Magdalen had promised to preach &)r me to-morrow, I expected to have enjoyed this day in much private communion with God, but through end- lessness the time slipped away unimproved. Lealned good part of the 1 st Epistle to Timothy by heart ; now that I am in the ministry the instructions on this head affect -me very differently. Some of my acquaintances drankwine with me. I was more careful about o^nd- ing them by over-much strictness, than of offendinf^God by i^f^rmity to the world. They left me wi^ my 1803] JOURNAL. 69 spirit wounded. I felt that I ought to have lifted up my heart to God in secret for them, and to have laboured to discountenance their vanities. 20. Was somewhat fervent this morning in prayer and intercession. The sermon, John xiv. 2, 3. was refreshing to me, and I had power to retain the com- fortable impressions. After church I visited a sick woman, and prayed with her. Vain and earthly thoughts perplexed my mind in the evening at church. Well is it* for the people that they cannot read tlje heart of their ministering servant. I groaned under the corruption of my heart this evening in prayer, and prayed and longed for grace to purge me thoroughly, and retired to bed with a meek desire of living entirely for God. 21. In the afternoon, before going out to visit the sick, the pride and laziness of my heart made me appear detestable to myself. Thou, Lord, only, canst know the hidden evil of thy creature. Let thy continual pity defend me : let thy gracious Spirit cleanse me ! 22. A day of varied emotions of deep and painful '^:feeiing, followed by joy and peace. In my walk was in great heaviness : till tcfwards the latter part of it I held fast by Christ, and seemed able to make his will mine, though still with many vain and cowardly imaginations. At seven went to the society of young men and explained the 50th Psalm with great composure. In prayer God vouchsafed the spirit of supplication. For the first time I found myself happy in this social exercise ; my desires after God were clear and strong, and it was with great unwillingness that I left off. My joy during the rest of the evening was very great, though there were many approaches to spiritual pride. 23. Towards the evening much strong propensity to the.gratification .of self-will, and much pain at thwarting it. Began to seek Go4-^h solemn prayer for fitness for the ministry, in w hg jfel continued about half an hour, entirely on the subje^^^the resignation of my own will ; and I gained so mil^Pfight that it appeared^ monstrous 70 JOURNAL. [1 80S and horrible that any creature should seek its will in opposition to God’s will. 24 to 26. Chiefly employed about my sermon, and preparing for the examination at Christmas. My soul - has been struggling with much corruption, summoning up courage in the name of God to fight the fight of faith with never-ceasing exertion, and yet soon sinking again into evil tempers, distrust, and despondency. Oh my spirit faints for holiness ! When shall God be glorified the entire renewing of this sinful heart ? Oh that the powers of my soul were awake to God and the good of my fellow-creatures ! But truly I am an unprofitable servant ! 27. I was much interrupted in reading the Scriptures this morning : yet my spirit found delight in retiring from the world and forgetting its concerns, to live with God and walk with God. I longed to be entirely deli- vered from the opinions of men, and to approve myself unto God. Heard Mr. Lloyd preach on Rom. vii. 12. and his observations to me afterwards tended to impress| on my mind the advantage of having my condemnattoip by the law continually before me ; for oh how light andp trifling would every painful duty appear, could I but keep in mind God’s sparing mercy ! And how ought I also to remember it on the score of humility and seriousness ! Mr. Lloyd observed that these thoughts tended to pre- serve a consistency of character. How closely did this apply to myself, who do such dishonour to Christ ! Read and prayed with the same sick woman ; she and all the people in the room, about five in number, seized to be in profound ignorance. I strove to char^ her sins home to her ; but this is a very unacceptable task to most people. Called on another woman, wh;®. was equally destitute of the knowledge of .the truth. This parish, which has heard the gospel fo^ between twanty and thirty years, is still in a most lamentable state for want of the minister’s testifying J|pm house to house. Maj|, the Lord fill me wdth m,q^' zeal in doing this bu^^^, both at Lolworth and id ^ the parish at Cam^ 1803] JOURNAL. 71 bridge. In the evening my sins appeared more in number than the hairs of my head. I remembered with horror the multitudes I had been guUty of this holy day ; how many proud and vain thoughts, how much forgetfulness of God and want bf every grace appeared in the course of it ! The pride of this wicked heart 1 seem to have made no way in subduing. The pain I felt at the kind admonitions of friends too plainly shewed this. Yet I can commit the sanctification of my soul to Christ; and it is my comfort and sup- port to think that “he is of God made unto me wis- dom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and re- demption.” 28 to 30. I was in an uncomfortable state for the most part of this time, through the prevalence of cor- ruption. The work of visiting the people of Cam- bridge, and reading to and praying with them, appeared hateful to me, but through grace, my self-will did not prevail. On 30th particularly, after much painful striving in prayer, I gained some relief and hope of delight in every part of the ministerial work. All the arguments, of which any one is of infinite and everlasting moment, seem to be ineffectual to bend the stubborn- ness of my heart, unless the Spirit convert it. The sixth chapter of Isaiah, and the meditation of the pre- cious value of men, though disguised by the low pursuits of trade, or buried under the rubbish of poverty and ignorance, had no power to influence my perverse and senseless will. All these things manifest a low state of Christian experience; but they must be recorded. Dec. 1.* Felt a serious submission to God this morning in prayer ; but never since my ordination have I been without care. Hoped to enjoy some of that peace and joy Fused to feel in reading Isaiah ; but was interrupted, ^as strengthened and composed by read- ing Heb. x.i?!^d learning it by heart. Endeavoured to seek God in ij^y walk. # * # Prayed for myself as tfe minister, for the people at Lolworth and JOURNAL. 1)803 Cambridge, for my dear sisters, — but with nothing like fervour. Do I believe that God heareth prayer ? Lord, help my unbelief! Amidst all my unprofitableness and gloom, was often refreshed by the prospect of the shortness of time and approach of death. 2. Resolved upon more self-denied this morning. I have, I trust, rescinded all unnecessary expences, yet ease and attachment to the comforts of life have had a tendency to produce a weakness of mind, which makes me but ill-disposed to endure hardness. By watch- fulness against these things this morning, by studied unconcern about the flesh, I rose above it, and found the benefit besides in the fearlessness with which I viewed the labour and difiiculties of my future life. Found great insight into the design of Heb. xi. and thought I should hereafter walk more steadily by faith. Was more composed throughout the day, though not without care. 3. Employed all day in writing sermon. The inces- sant employment of my thoughts about the necessary business of my life, parishes, pupils, sermons, sick, &c. leave far too little time for my private meditations ; so that I know little of God and my soul. Resolved 1 would gain some hours from my usual sleep, if there were no other way ; but failed this morning in conse- quence of sitting up so late. 4. Called at two or three of the parishioners’ houses, and found them universally in the most profound state of ignorance and stupidity. On my road home could not perceive that men who have any little knowledge, should have any thing to do but instruct their wretched fellow-creatures. The pursuits of science, and all the vain and glittering employments of men, seemed a cruel withholding from their perishing brethren, of that time and exertion which might save their souls. 5. Rode to Lol worth before breakfast, to marry a couple. On the road, all my endeavours to obtain some sweetness in divine thoughts in my own strength were fruitless ; but when I resigned all the concerns of t803] JOURNAL. T3 my spirit into the hands of God, that he would deal with me according to his pleasure, I found some pleasure in being nothing. In the afternoon, — stayed with me ; but our theme was learned rather than practical divinity. He is, however, a dear and valuable friend, for telling me freely of my faults. In prayer this evening I drew near to God, and besought him to make me a very different soul from what I should be likely to be, by taking my train of thinking from the langtiage of pro- fessing Christians. They all excel me in Christian tempers ; but man even in his full perfection is but a broken cistern. 6. Passed the whole morning reading Heb. xi, and before my usual prayer, — called to walk. I told him my opinion about his neglect of public worship, and private- opportunities of advantage, very freely, but perhaps too harshly. Let me dread lest I quench the smoking flax ; resolved to win him if possible by more tenderness. 7. At morning prayers in Trinity church, tasted something of the sweetness of devotion, though with no joy. Oh how much better is it to have a peaceful sense of my own wretchedness, and a humble waiting upon God for his sanctifying grace, than to talk much and appear to be somebody in religion, as 1 have done ! At night my soul was strengthened considerably : I never before felt so calm and steady a resolution to live in continual self-denial, to fight hard every day ; and it appeared that whatever I could be possibly called to endure was nothing, such a mercy was it that I might hope for salvation. 8. Rose early, and in prayer had something of a suitable frame, that is a contented waiting upon God. It was my desire and prayer to mourn for sin, and to be poor in spirit. 'All the rest of the morning, from seven to twelve, wasted by repeated calls of friends, and in fruitless attempts to write a sermon. This left me dis- satisfied with the mis-spent time, yet not quite forgetful of t^t temper which it was my predetermined purpose to preserve. G. joined me in my walk, and as he seemed JOURNAL. [1803 disposed tb converse abovrt religion, I spoke to him very- openly. I had occasion to mention to him that the last day of my life would Be the best. I think of it without joy, though without fear. It seems as if I should be saved only as by fire, having done nothing to glorify God, and my heart seeming to be destitute of grace. 11. (-Sunday.) Preached at Lolworth on Isaiah Ixiv. 7, and talked with some of the poor people at their houses on the same subject of prayer, and from the manner in which some received it, I was much rejoiced. 22. Married — . How satisfactory is it to admin- ister the ordinance of matrimony, where thg couple are pious ! I felt thankful that I was delivered from all desires of the comforts of the married life. With the most desirable partner, and every prospect of happiness ; I would prefer a single life, in which there are so much greater opportunities for heavenly-mindedness. 23. Overslept myself in consequence of having risen too early yesterday. This, with my cold and cough,,, made me unfit for every thing. I had designed this day for a fast, in order to recover from the late distrac*;’ tion of mind, occasioned by so much earthly businesi^« but I had no leisure till two o’clock, when I took a long, walk", towards the end of which I had some cheering- sense of the divine presence. 25. (Christmas-day.) Discontent at not having finish- ed my sermon prevented me from enjoying the morning of this blessed day, when so many were offering up t|^ir praises for the gift. Yet on my ride to Lolworth, j^re- joiced in the view of my reconciliation to God, and^he prospect of happiness in heaven. Oh, to get beyond tl'c world, and to be among men as if I were elsewhere,^th ^y life hid with Christ in God, — how sweet and peaq|ful 1 27. Preparing all day for the evening ; I was billed to rally my sinking faith continually, that I mig^ not ^ink from it, nor be blinded by the sensual fea^tings of this day, from perceiving the excellency of spiritual exerci|ps. * 2^^ The morning was spent very unprofitably, from 1804 ] JOURlfAL. 75 not haying had a fixed plan. Lost much time in looking out for a text for next Sunday; yet found some devotion in learning some of the cxixth Psalm. Called at the alms- houses, and was perplexed at the accusation which two, I believe, real Christians, made against each other as being hypocrites. In the evening, the first leisure I liad gained after a long interval, I hoped to draw near to God by his word and prayer ; but Bishop Horne, whom I took as a companion to tjjie Psalms, raised in me contemptuous thoughts, which do great injury to the soul. However, that blessed man Baxter, in his ‘ Saint’s Rest,’ was enabled to kindle such a degree of devotion and love, as I have long been a stranger to. I strove to keep the future happiness of heaven steadily in view, but the want of a humble spirit made these contemplations appear delusive. Jan. 1, 1804. Preached in the afternoon at Trinity Church with seriousness, but with little feeling. Visited a house in Wall’s Lane after church, where I met with two men, to whom I gave, I think, a clear and con- vincing warning, I exhorted my hearers this day to think on their ways. May I think of mine ! On the review of my journal of the last year, I perceive it has been of late becoming a diary of my life, instead of being a register of my state of mind. And this is to be attributed, partly to sloth, and partly to having, devoted too much time and attention to the outward and public duties of the ministry. But this has been a mistaken conduct. For I have learned, that neglect of much and fervent communion with God in meditation and prayers, is not the way to redeem time, nor to fit me for public ministrations. Nevertheless, I judge that 1 have grown in grace in the course of the last year; for the bent of my desire is towards God, more than when I thought I was going out as a missionary, though vastly less than I expected it would have been by this time. In heaven- ly contemplation* and abstraction from the world, my attainments hayji’^fallen far short of my expectations: in love to mar^b perceive little or no increase. But in TS jousmi. [1804 a sense of my own worthlessness and guilt, and in a Consequent subjugation of the will, and in a disposition for • labour and active exertion, I . am inclined to think myself gaining ground. I have had few seasons of joy since my ordination ; for many of the duties of the ministry have called to light the hidden evils of my corrupted heart, and my exertions in prayer have been to keep them under. I have however muqh to com- plain of in slothfiilr^ss in that duty, — that I do not stir up myself to lay hold upon God ; yet my soul approves thoroughly the life of God, and my only desire is to live entirely devoted to him. Oh may I live very near to him the ensuing year, and follow the steps of Christ and his holy saints ! It will be attended with much self-denial and warfare, nevertheless it yieldeth the peaceable fruits of righteousness to them who are exer- cised thereby. I have resigned in profession the riches, the honours, and the comforts of this world, and I think it is also a resignation of the heart. 2. Spent, I hardly know how, very unprofitably ; for want of a previous regulation for a time of leisure. 3. A sense of my present deadness and unprofita- bleness, as likewise a regard to my bodily health, deter- mined me to devote the day to fasting and prayer; but I could not get near to God : in all my confessions for myself as an individual, or member of the church or nation, I could feel no contrition ; nevertheless, though the cloud hanging over the nation, and my own prii^f, cast a heavy gloom over my mind, with a sense of gup, and of God’s displeasure, I strove against an evil hdift of unbelief, which tempted me to depart from the li\^ilg 4. Rose late, as I have done several times, and \^n this is the case, I seldom begin or perform the duti^ of #the day with satisfaction. Read much of ‘ Edward|f con the Affections,’ about humility, and was much pro- fited. In hall and in the combination room, I s ^g ht to exemplify a Christian spirit by mine, and fou^ by those moments of recollection, when 1 was able to^ib it, 1804] JOURNAL. 17 that my usual temper and conduct differ very widely from what they ought to be. In the evening my soul drew near to the Lord, and pleaded with him a long time for understanding and strength, to fit me for a long life of warfare and constant self-denial'. I prwed to see clearly why I was placed here, how short tne time is, how excellent to labour for souls, above all to feel my desert of hell, grace to enlighten my- eyes in those dark and gloomy seasons of outward trouble and desponding faith, grace to enable me to despise the indulgence of the body, not to shrink from cold, and hunger, and painful labour, but to follow the Lamb wheresoever he goeth, and that he would bring all these things to my remembrance the next, and every succeeding day. In all this I did not feel any desponding fear, against which I prayed, but the contrary. But my want of humiliation was apparent and painful. My soul long- eth for perfection, but has not yet learnt the secret of happiness, — a poor and contrite spirit. 5. I retained on my mind the savour of last night’s meditation : for humility seemed to be my object, if not my temper. Pregiched on Isaiah Ixiv. 7- Oh, let not my sermons rise up in judgment against me ! A few friends supped with me ; but though my own mind was well disposed for religious conversation, I could not lead them to it. 6. Was preparing the whole day for the evening, the subject, 2 Tim. i. 12 , was very cheering and com- forting to myself in the morning ; but after dinner I was languid and indisposed to any exertion, and low-spiri- ted. At the society I was very dull, both in exhorta- tion and prayer, and so were the people. There were but six ; with little appearance of devotion ; the sense of my exceeding unprofitableness was very humbling to me : yet it had not the effect of drawing me away from God, and so I was contented to be thought little of by men. I rightly attribute my present deadness to want of suffi- cient time and tranquillity for private devotion. 7. Hoping J|^J;;give some motion and liveliness to 78 letter. [1804 my mind, I sought to give it recreation this morning, by reading some of Thomson’s ‘ Chemistry,’ and Jem. Edwards on ‘ Original Sin.’ 8. Full of anxiety ; relieved at times by prayer. Preached at Lolyorth. Called at three of the houses, and found them as ignorant of the gospel as heathens. Oh, let it not appear at last, that the Lord hath hid his face from them, on account of the unworthiness of their teacher ! May he pour out his Spirit upon them and me, that I may warn them even with tears ! On my road home I met with Mr. — , and sought to im- prove to his good the death of his brother. During the rest of the evening, I was groaning under the most dark, distrustful, and unhappy thoughts. The little appearance of life-devotion among the people of Lol- worth, either at public worship or at other times, and returning home in a cold snowy night, had, I su])pose, these melancholy effects upon my mind, and made me dispirited at the prospect of missionary hardships ; but they would not have this effect, except on account of the burden which — is to my mind ; the Psalms this evening were in entire unison with my fefelings. I could have repeated those words many more times;« “ Why art thou so heavy, O my soul, why art thou sp disquieted within me ? ” I got most nearly to peace a®d happiness, by labouring to feel myself the meanest of God’s creatures, and the desert I have of being C(^- signed over to eternal punishment. St. John's, January 9, 18Q|jp I heard of the death of your brother, my dear||kr- gent, some time ago ; but I had neither inclinatioipflor leisure to write to you immediately after. I hop^^he first impressions of grief are now somewhat worn ^^y, but that you retain that blessed effect of san<||[fied sorrow, a tender spirit, which to me at this^me appears so desirable, that I could be willing to^ffer any |hing, or do any thing to obtain it. I Ihould jud|g|^y your account, that he could have, hardly 1804 ] LETTEEii 79 attained the age of moral agency, and so we may hope he is among those of whom it is said, “ Of such is the kingdom of heaven.” I trust that the melancholy event has, in' answer to your prayers, been beneficial to — . If not yet in the degree you could wish, yet cease not to pray for her. But how can 1 encourage you to a duty in which I am so languid myself, so seldom dis- posed to “ stir up myself to take hold upon God?” How necessary is self-denial in this as well hs every other duty, through the corruption that is in us ! Some- times I feel the most ardent and strong resolutions to fight manfully, to exert all the powers of the soul unceasingly in mortifying the flesh ; but these resolves are short-lived : sometimes through forgetfulness, some- times through weakness, I find myself giving way to ever-craving self-indulgence * * * * I thank you for the kind interest you take in my mis- sionary plans. But unless Providence should see fit to restore our property, I see no possibility of my going out. Most probably after all, I shall be settled at Cal- cutta, in that post which Mr. Grant is so anxious to I)rocure some one to fill : for by this the pecuniary difiiculties which attend my going out would be removed. * * * * # You told me some time figo, that the multiplicity of business which would attend me as Mr. Simeon’s curate, would leave little time for reflection on my future plans ; and truly I find your prediction fulfilled : for the composition of sermons, and preparing for the societies, confines the hours of devotion into far too small a compass. Nevertheless I have found my spirit dis- ciplined by these more active parts of the ministry, so as td perform with willingness those duties from which once I used to shrink. * * * 0 Far^ewell, my dear brother,— -amidst all the afiSictions of the gospel, and truly they are not few, we shall also be made partakers of its jeon solations. The contemplation of the eternal wo|klfji6 of necessity my chief happiness, and your’s I hQ|^*by choice : for though this world 80 jr^URNAL. [1804 demands your attention more than mine, you have learnt to give it its right value. In our Fathers house there are, I humbly hope, mansions prepared for us, purchased only by the blood of Jesus, who will also keep that which we have committed to him till that day. H. M. 11. 'At the funeral of Mr. Mann, at Lolworth, felt very solemnly : though the entrance into eternal joy , when my body should in like manner be laid in the dust, appeared too good to hope or believe. 12. During the day was thinking on Col. xiii. 1—3. Mr. — stayed an hour, and unexpectedly edified me much by his conversation about repentance. Walked in the afternoon, and was able to pray steadily with some seriousness. Walked about with Professor Parish till church-time. He observed that if I went out under the patronage of the East India company, there would be more danger of worldly- mindedness : on my own account I should prefer a state of poverty. Was more perplexed than ever this even- ing about — but that only determined me to leave the matter entirely to God. 13. Was dissatisfied at not rising so early as I might ; these instances of self-indulgence have a very bad elFect on ray temper. Engaged on reflecting on t^ same subject as yesterday. Drank tea in the eveni^ at — and met about fifteen or sixteen there. I d® ■ vered the subject I had been thinking on ; but with li|pe animation. My mind enjoyed, during the rest of ;Mie evening, a sweet -serenity and peacefulness. It did .^pt amount to spiritual joy : yet when did I ever experi^ce such happiness in the days of my vanity ? 15. Heavy and distressed this morning; but I in some measure, the truth of the promise, “ ca^- ihy burden on the Lord, and he shall sustain thee.” W^ked half Rn hour by the river-side after dinner, endeavouring tpJ||mpose my mind for extempore preaching, and this 1804] JOURNAL. 81 I accordingly did at St Gileses, on Matt. v. 3 — 5, though by no means to my satisfaction ; nor ever yet in the pulpit, or in public addresses, have I experienced any sweetness of spirit. Called on one of the old women in the alms-houses, a truly contrite soul. Drank tea at — ; was somewhat comforted in the evening by Mr. Simeon’s sermon on “ Sing, O ye heavens, for the Lord hath redeemed Jacob ; ” Christ’s atonement was my only ground of hope and peace. How this disastrous affair has deranged all my systems of reading, early rising, &c. 16. Went to — to breakfast, labouring to maintain heavenly-mindedness and humility, but for want of more reading, retirement, and private devotion, I have little power over my own tempers. Read Edwards on the Affections, and found some parts very convincing to show me my low stature in Christ. In the morning I had a most painful time of prayer, tbe expressions of egotism were so hateful that I could rather have died than use them ; this was not, I conceive, humiliation, for 1 felt no love towards God or man, and could make no petition ; but now after reading Edwards, I was able to pray with seriousness and strength, but I was unhap- pily interrupted. Called at the alms-houses in the {ifternoon, one old woman of eighty -four seemed to understand the word, which was new to her. Another was “ all for grace,” she said ; she could not bear the law and morality in preaching, manifesting a most bitter, contemptuous, and proud spirit in all her language. I asked her if she did not apprehend herself in danger of pride. ‘ No,’ she said, ‘ not particularly : ’ But did not she believe that the heart was naturally very proud ; ‘ O yes,’ and many other things she mentioned in the same strain, allowing the general topics of humiliation, but admitting none of them into her own heart. She related with abhorrence that she had heard a friend of Mr. Simeon’s preach a sermon in which the name of Jesus Christ was . not so much^ as once mentioned. Might I not do,, the same, I replied, if I were to preach 82 JOIJRNAL. [1804 on this text, “ Be not high-minded but fear.” I left her with those words, “ If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them.” Of what an unconquerable nature is spiritual pride. Went to Mr. Owen’s to supper ; he sometimes amused and sometimes edified me by his conversation, but — lay as a dead weight on my mind : yet I was relieved at intervals by saying, “ I will do thy will O my God.” Sat up till two in the morning losing my time by uncontrolable wanderings of thought in self-examination. 17 . Was unwell with cold and headache, endea- voured to consider Matt. vi. for exposition. Drank tea at — , and expounded Matt. v. 3 — 5. as the company by their conversation seemed particularly to need it. 18. — breakfasted and staid great part of the morning. Had some freedom and comfort in prayer in the middle of the day. Walked in the cloisters of Trinity, and amid much carefulness and despondency, had many reviving views of Christ. With some friends 1 could say nothing. O the exceeding emptine.ss of my mind for want of more reading of the word of God in private. Dined at Professor Parish’s with Owen, bu^ left them at five to go to S — ’s. Here they expected, I suppose, that I should begin a conversation with them, but I was utterly unable, for through w-ant of prepara- tion on a subject of exhortation, I was uneasy. How- ever I lifted up my heart to the Lord, and he helped me to explain and enforce the beginning of the vith chap, of Matt. Perhaps the people are edified througji the divine blessing; but my preachings and exhortations fall infinitely short of what I should call good. 19. Enjoyed most delightful peace and joy this morning in communion with God. Read some of Genesis. * * # * How mortally do I hate the thought. Yet certainly will I do the will of God, if I be cut piece-meal. I hear in mind Abraham. God’s promises seemed impossible to be fulfilled. Yet he obeyed, and so will I, if it be God’s will, %)ugh it clogs my way. To be made fit for the 1804 ] JOURNAt. 83 work of a missionary I resigned the comforts of a mar- ried life when they were dear to me, and that was a severe struggle ; now again will I put forth the hand of faith, though the struggle will be far more severe. How unaccountable the providence of God appears ! Yet he is wise, and righteous, and good, and so, “ submissive to thy will I bow.” “ Teach me to do thy will, for thou art my God.” 20. Unbelief and unhappiness this morning were removed by my being able to humble myself, and remember the resolutions of last night. How deficient in poverty and heavenly-mindedness am I daily with my pupil, yet these little events of life are proper trials of Christian temper. In prayer I drew near the Lord, and rejoiced to repeat before him my determination to do his will. Walked with — , and tried to persuade him to accept that post in Calcutta which he has been pressed to fill, but to my surprise he cannot consent to leave his native country. Now that my mind was easy one would have thought that the prospect of the ministra- tions in the evening would have been delightful. But no such thing. Now that I had got rid of one difficulty, my perverted heart sought out another. At dinner time, gloom began to gather. I was not prepared for the evening ; then was I constrained to wonder at the patience of God, then did I see it good to be afflicted, for the moment the rod was removed I was going astray. O Lord, guide me by thy own council. It is not in man to direct his steps. Do thou act towards thy blind creature according to thine OAvn wisdom and love, the natural bent of my heart is to depart from thee — keep me through thine own power through faith unto salvation. I see the reason why Jesus would not remove the thorn out of St. Paul’s flesh. Now, O my soul, that thou’ hast found rest for awhile, quicken thou thy face towards heaven. Now that thine enemies •cease to molest thee, lose no time in getting forward. O that I might . feel resolved to wrestle with God ! In the evening pilfer I designed to have dwelt entirely on G i 84 jouhnal. [1804 love, that I might receive it from God, hut found so much reason to pray for humility that I could think of nothing else. 21. Pride filled my heart with evil surmises this morning when I rose. There is no living without hu- mility. Found that peculiar kind of self-abhorrence in prayer this morning, (as I have often felt when expres- sions of egotism were hateful,) which, unaccountable as it may seem, alw’ays accompanies a humiliation not evangelical. Or else humiliation is only of one kind, namely, legal, and that which is called evangelical humiliation is the peaceful frame which succeeds humi- liation, not necessarily, but through grace. Considered 2 Titus i. 10. in order to preach on it to-morrow. Found myself sinking into an earthly and unhappy spirit and struggled against it, and rose above it. The livth of Isaiah, and iiird and ivth of 1 John .afforded me much refreshment. Walked wath — , not in that exercise of heavenly-mindedness and love which I expected, but through worldly conversation, I returned home dissat- isfied. After dinner the sense of my ingratitude to God and indifference to the poor people at Lulworth filled me with shame as having existed habitually in me. Prayer, however, removed my unwillingness to duty, and slothfulness, and I went forth disposed to visit the people in Wall’s lane. The awfulness of the ministry pressed on my mind deeply. O that I might rememl)er what it is to watch for souls as those that must give account. 22. Found the presence of God in prayer at night. 23. Interrupted by preparation for my journey. I went on the Telegraph to London, with my thoughts taken \ip at first with happy views of God, but afterwards they wandered dissatisfied, upon the things around me. 24. Rose early, and with great difficulty attained a right spirit by prayer. Learnt some of Psalms xci. and cxix. by heart. Walked about the streets, calling at the booksellers’, &c. till two o’clock. Thought little of» God during my walk through this great city ; when I did, however, it was %vith much affection. Returned, and 1804] JOURNAL. 85 read St. James, and Edwards on Redemption. Dis- tracted by the bustle of this place, and the dissipation of my thoughts through want of reading and meditation; found it hard to be collected in private, or to force my- self into a clear and lively view of eternal things. 25 . Called on Dr. Wollaston, and at the British Museum, and attended the Gresham Lecture on Music by Dr. B — . Returned, and unable to remain longer in such a dissipated, unholy state, I sought God ear- nestly in prayer, and found that degree of realizing faith, which is necessary for my peace. After dinner I called on , and I stated the circumstances of my family to him, and he seemed to think that I ought to w'ait longer for the directions of Providence. A veil was thus cast over my future proceedings, and I went away bowed down in spirit. In company I forgot that sweet poverty of spirit which it would become me more to feel. Poor mean thing that I am ; but I am contented to remain contemptible among men, so that my heart be thereby made in any degree more fit for the residence of God. I walked back to Mr. Bates’, cheerfully re- signing the conduct of this business to God. 26 . Staid at home till near one ; read some Greek Testament with Mr. Bates, and Jonathan Edwards on Redemption. I then walked to the India House to Mr. Grant, who desired I would come down to Clapham. So I went .with Mr. Grant, and upon the road he gave me much information on the state of India. He said that the language spoken by the natives who lived in the English settlements, was the Hindostanee, which was a mixture of several languages, Arabic, Persic, Shanscrit, a sort of lingua franca, but that the Bengalee was the vernacular tongue of the bulk of the native inhabitants, and must be acquired by mission- aries amongst the Hindoos ; that it w'ould be absolutely necessary to keep three servants, for three can do no more than the work of one English; that no European constitution pan endure being exposed to mid-day heat ; that Mr. Swartz, who was settled at Tanjore, did do it 86 JOUBNAL. [1804 for a time, walking among the natives. Mr. G. had never seen Mr. Swartz, but corresponded with him. He was the son of a Saxon gentleman (the Saxon gentlemen never enter the ministry of the church) and had early devoted himself to the work of a missionary amongst the Indians. Besides the knowledge of the Malabar tongue, in which he was profoundly skij[]l^, and eloquent, he was a good classic, and learnt the English, Portuguese, and Dutch. He was a man of dignified and polished manners, and cheerful. We arrived at Mr. Wilberforce’s to dinner ; in the evening we conversed about my business ; they wished me to fill the church in Calcutta very much ; but advised me to wait some time and to cherish the same views. To Mr. Wilberforce I went into a detail of my views, and the reasons that had operated on my mind. The conversation of Mr. Wil- berforce and Mr. Grant during the whole of the day be- fore the rest of the company, which consisted of Mr. Johnson of New South Wales, a French Abb6, Mrs. Unwin, Mrs. H. and other ladies, was edifying ; agree- able to what I should think right for two godly senators, planning some means of bringing before Parliament propositions for bettering the moral state of the colony of Botany Bay. I had some conversation with the French Abb^ about the authority of the church, but for want of understanding more French I could not well engage in it. At evening worship, Mr. W. expounded sacred scripture with serious plainness, and prayed in the midst of his large household. In my room, after diffi- culty at first, I realized eternal things, and retired to rest in the desire of walking more closely with God. 27. Evil tempers, and dark perverted views of divine things, made me unwilling to pray this morning, as. they often do, yet by prayer the Lord restored my soul, and led me in the paths of righteousness for his name’ sake. I had many strong heart-searching desires aftergraceandholinessjbut these are like “ the early dew,” and it is for want of a contrite spirit that my purposes of keeping in view one thing arc so unsteady. The 1804] JOURNAL. 87 deep-rooted pride of my heart makes God behold it afar off, and throws a veil over all the bright and joyous things in religion. Walked in the shrubbery, and read some of Miss Hamilton on Education, till breakfast. After breakfast read a French account of the death of Louis XVI. which the Abbfe put into my hands, and after some conversation with Mr. W. left them at one, and took a place in the coach for London; had an opportunity of speaking to the landlady on the wicked- ness of not going to church ; and on the coach-box with the driver, I was talking to him all the way ; some of it he received very well, other parts not. Mr. S. called on me this morning after my return, and with him afterwards I had a really religious conversation. In prayer before dinner, after much pain, I drew near to God, and received strength and seriousness. After being much in company, I declined as usual in spirit, but the music and the sight of a rural scene of solitude had the effect of fixing my thoughts on heaven . 28. My whole morning prayer was taken up as much of late in labouring after a humble and contrite spirit. Drank tea at Mr. Newton’s ; the old man was very civil to me, and striking in his remarks in general ; but few being disposed to speak, and he deaf, the con- versation on the origin of sacrifices, a subject I proposed according to his desire, was not much illustrated. On my return I found myself unhappy in mind, and un- happy in heart, but by prayer and reading some scrip- ture, I recovered. This text which I met, gave me many glad and instructive thoughts. “ If any man serve me let him follow me, and where I am there shall my ser- vant be.” Read in the evening to Mrs. — , ‘ Burke on the Sublime,’ and had in the course of it, an instmctive conversation on contrition of heart ; she wished to feel it more, and I know it is the one thing needful for my peace. 29. (Sunday) Read Isaiah liv. after breakfast, with some con.sideration and profit. . . . On corning home, I 88 JOURNAL. [1804 retired to my room, and had a most affecting reading of Isaiah liii. The arm of the Lord seemed to be revealed to me. What manner of love was it that the Lord should be pleased to bruise him. I found it in my heart to grieve at the sufferings of Christ, and the sins that occasioned them, and not to seek for any of this world’s enjoyments, when Christ was such a man of sorrows and acquainted, with grief. I hoped that my soul would have been tender and humble the remaining part of the day. After evening church, drank tea with Mr. S. and had a very profitable religious conversation ; he seemed to desire we should part with prayer, but .as my mind was rather distracted, I went away without it, but my heart smote me afterwards, accusing me of sloth. In prayer at night had many sweet thoughts of God’s pardoning love, and protecting power, and interceded with unusual earnestness for my dear sister. 3 1 . Began the day in hopes of being able to keep steadily in view the eternal world, and to walk humbly with God. Alas ! I have little fe.ar of God before my eyes, and seem to be little aware of the peremptory com- mandment of God. I go on from day to day indulging indeed no sin in my heart, yet feebly pressing towards the mark ; yet I seem to imagine that a slight review of the defects of each day is sufficient, * * a * * * * M.ay the Lord give me rcpen^nce unto life, open my eyes and give me a holy fear, lest after having preached to others I myself should become a castaway. Read Isaiah — at one we went to hear the charge delivered to the missionaries at the New London Tavern in Cheapside. There wn my mind during my whole walk, that I could not raise my heart to God with any delight. On my favourite spot, the scene of many sacred thoughts, my Bethel, into which I hope never to enter without a holy awe, and never to leave without a bles- sing, I knelt down and prayed for relief to my soul. I think my prayer was answered, for I found myself more at peace. 13. My heart again this morning filled me with evil thoughts and unwillingness to approach God, from whom I had received so lately such unexpected favours and mercies. Yet in prayer it assumed a different temper. During my walk I sought without much success to have a rejoicing of hope by trust in God, in spite of the thoughts that arose to depress my mind. 14. Why do I not always maintain a humble, seri- ous, and loving spirit ? 15. Rose early, and passed the day in the enjoy- ment of considerable peace. In the morning I got on in my sermon with ease, and found the subject of unbe- lief attended with a blessing to myself. The passages adduced to obviate unbelief, were so infiuentiul upon my mind, that I found myself drawn nearer to God, and able to walk with him in tranquillity. Oh, what an incitement to holiness is it, that in no t)ne case is it right to depart from God. Whether from negligence or necessary business, I had no reading of God’s word all the day. This is an evil that must be remedied, though I hardly know how to effect it. Public ministrations take up my time and thoughts too much, though too little of my heart. 1 ought to make my own soul’s increase of grace and love to God, my great and primary concern, and to leave my outward ministrations to Him, whom I may safely trust to for assistance, if I walk strictly in his ways. I oftea%gret that 1 am not a private Christian, but when 1804] JOURNAL. 103 I was, my soul was not fixed on spiritual things, even as it is now. 17. I had many careful thoughts and unbelieving fears in my walk, and found great difficulty in getting on in my sermon, and great interruption, and much fatigue and dislike to the service of Christ, but looked up to heaven for support, and repeated those words, “ I know that for my name’s sake thou hast laboured and hast not fainted.” 18. (Sunday.) Employed about sermon till church time, during the service enjoyed much delight. Mr. Simeon’s sermon in the evening was very awful, • and reached my conscience. 19. By rising late I was short in prayer, yet I can almost always reach beyond the world, partly indeed by the help of imagination. All the morning I was with and went away in great sorrow ; but in prayer I again and again professed to resign all my will to God, and in that spirit to wait for the manifestation of his. The rest of this afternoon I was continually temp- ted to misery and unbelief in departing from God, but by ejaculatory prayer I kept my ground. Read' some chapters in Exodus afterwards, and had my heart solemnly impressed with the mighty power of God. On the whole, though 1 have studied little, and done nothing for the good of others, I have found it an occasion of shewing me the love and power of God. These faint glimmerings of the knowledge of God, make me desire to know him more, and to long after that life where I shall know even as I am known. 20. My spirit groans at my unprofitableness. For want of study, and diligence in redeeming time, my mind is empty and unsatisfied. Stayed an hour with — , and employed the rest of the morning in writing and reading from ‘ Edwards on the Affections,’ without gaining any knowledge. Have not yet got into its spi- rit. In my walk, my heart was not fixed upon God, nor upon any thing else. After dinner was with — till four, then I sat with a party at Mr. Simeon’s till seven. 104 JOURNAL. [1804 then with my pupil till ten. Thus the day was passed, no Scripture read, seldom in prayer to God, no poor people visited, no knowledge gained in a day which should have been taken up in right and improving exercises, as I had no particular engagement. How angry I feel at myself, and I hardly know for what. I can hardly tell how to reform my mode of life, so as to gain time. But earnestly does my soul long to live a life of piety and prayer. .21. Resolved to set apart the chief part of tliis day for solemn prayer and humiliation. But through inter- * ruptions, I could not begin till half-after ten, when my soul so tasted the sweetness of religion and prayer, that as soon as I opened my mouth, my heart was full ; and for half an hour I enjoyed great abstraction from the world, and nearness to God. But at eleven I read prayers at church, not with such devotion as I expected, but during an hour and a half, which I passed afterwards in reading Scripture and prayer, I found my heart hard and bitter, not only at being so little disposed to pray for my people at Lolworth, but at the necessity of my loving them, and of labouring and praying for them. Alas ! I must have far, far more love to souls before I dare go abroad. During my walk, my mind cleared up. 22. Rose a little after five, but was not able to begin my sermon. G — breakfasted with me, and stayed all the morning telling me about India. During my walk, my sermon began to open before me, and I returned home cheerful, and desiring to be always happy by trusting God. At night I read to my bed- maker, and prayed somewhat solemnly, and in private afterwards, with some fervour, in the conviction of my unprofitableness. 23. Coming away from the poor-house, I found people quarrelling in the street, to which I presently put a stop *, but it is painful to reflect with what uncon- cern I daily witness the sin and misery of my fellow- cr^tures. 1804] •JOURNAL. 105 24 . My prayer this morning, as every morning for some time, has been almost wholly for seriousness and sobriety of mind. Passed a long time with — . Thus my hours are lost, my mind is unimproved, and yet it is an imperious call of duty. May the Lord take care of me, and order all things for my good. 26. (Sunday.) Read prayers in chapel. At church was not steadily tranquil. Preached at Shelford on 2 Tim. i. 10. I enjoyed much delight in the service ; I spoke with freedom and clearness, and trust it was not unprofitable to the hearers. 26. Read in chapel with some difficulty, on account of the exertions of yesterday. In private prayer, prayed that my past unprofitableness might not lead away my wretched heart from God, nor discourage me from hold- ing on my way. Read ‘ Fletcher’s Portrait’ for an hour with great profit, and prayed after it in deeper .sense of my own meanness, and my utter unworthiness of the work of the ministry * * * I act in this business in conformity to the will of God, according to the best of my judgment ; yet thus my time passes unimproved, but I must patiently submit to it ; at night I drew near to God in prayer, and felt disposed tlvankfully to labour in all earnestness and simplicity, to call my poor fellow-creatures to Christ. 27, 28 Wrote during the morning on Job xxii. 21. During my walk I had many solemn thoughts on Mr. C — ’s death. In the afternoon baptised five children, and found myself approaching to that levity from which I have been more free of late. 30. (Good Friday.) Read in chapel, and finished my sermon with my mind somewhat solemnly impressed with the subject of it. At church I strove to profit by the sermon, which I did, for I went away very desirous of imitating the faith of Abraham. But alas ! when the trials of faith come, as they do every day, I am seldom aware, and seldom act worthily. Before evening church, 1 had a few profitable mo- ments in prayer, which hud its effect during the whole 106 JOURNAL. [1804 evening service. I long for coniniunion with the bles- sed God. 31. Breakfasted with S^, and retained the serious impressions of the morning prayer. After dinner, being at leisure, from having procured the promise of assist- ance, began to pray with great fervour, and found my eyes open soon upon the invisible world. I conti- nued so in great freedom and earnestness rather more than half an hour, but oh, I could live for ever in prayer, if I could always in it speak to God ! At the end felt a great fear of forgetting the presence of God, and of leaving him as soon as I should leave the pos- ture of devotion. My mind was strongly impressed with that wonderful sight of the invisible things which the believer is made to receive, and I was eager to read what Dr. Watts has written on the hidden life. I had never read it before, but I was exceedingly delighted with it, as it cleared my mind, and raised my thoughts more to a steady belief of the spiritual life. Drank tea with Mr. Simeon, and was much struck and edified by his account of God’s providence, in bringing him first to his church. Read Watts’s sermon afterwards till supper, and went into hall with my mind fully engaged in the high subject on which I had been meditating. Found — and — conversing about * * ^ ^ ***** All this appeared to me to be a bubble and a dream. Perhaps they would have accounted me a visionary, could they have read my mind. It was with some pity, I hq^^ and grief, that I contemplated in silence, men of strong minds so childishly employed. if April 1. (Easter Sunday.) Was prevented bylione thing and another, from being any considerable tinite in prayer, which I endeavoured to regard as a visit t# 'the invisible world. In the morning service I -waki not abstracted from the world, except at a few passing intervals. In the sacrament I had to lament tl|© want of a^ij^oken heart, and in my private prayers , at the 1804] JOURNAL. 107 time, I seemed to be speaking in a crowd wjien I could think of nothing distinctly. Called at the house of a poor woman in Wall’s Lane. Her husband, who would never suffer any one to come near her till a few days before, came into the house. I went out and warned ‘ the wicked man that he would surely die.’ He confessed that he was cut to the heart when I talked to him of eternal torment, and consented to come in and join in .prayer — , which he did. 2. In my walk I found myself, as far as I could judge, entirely disposed to obey the will of God in whatever manner he might order it, having particularly in my mind . 4. In my walk I was somewhat in a rejoicing frame, at the remembrance of what God had done for me by Christ and his Spirit. I longed for that heaven where I should be perfectly pure and active. I sat and read the last chapter of Revelation. 5. Walked with — , but my mind was not disposed by communion with God for spiritual conversation, for he called before the time of my prayer. Was extremely edified by — ’s sermon at Trinity Church, both in my private and public capacity. I was ashamed and grieved at writing, and having written such sermons, after hearing his truly religious gravity. 6. Walked with G — , but having had no prayer immediately before going out, I could not converse with ease ’and cordiality, though 1 wished it. 7. In my walk could not get near to God ; want of reading Scripture is the reason of this strangeness. H — and S — sat with me till past seven ; from dinner time our conversation was such that I did not think the time spent in vain. Went to Mrs. T — , who was apparently dying. It was of no use to read, they said, so I spoke to her, begging her to cast herself simply upon Jesus. She observed once while I was not speaking to her, that she should be miseralde for ever unless God would have mercy upon her, but she hoped he would for the sake of Jesus Christ. This was the 108 JOURNAL. [1804 first time I had heard her mention the name of Christ. Tiien she *said, she had no deep repentance. She wished to have more time, though hut a dayioager, that she might have a deeper repentance. 8. In my prayer this morning, as for some time past, I could easily find myself alone with God, but failed in topics of supplication for want of reading. Preached at Trinity church \vdthout much comfort. Detestable thoughts about the opinions of qaen so intruded. During service at night, and preaching at Trinity church, my mind enjoyed great solemnity. I find that preaching well and living well in humiliation and communion with God have no necessary connection. At night in reading Rev. i. and ii. I had many solemn and blessed thoughts. To the angel of the church at Lolworth write — What ? To that of Ephesus he said, “ I know thy labour ; ” would -he say so to me ? I feel convinced that I do not labour in secret prayer for them. “ Thou hast left thy first love.” Alas ! I never did love as I ought. Henceforth it is my desire to know God, and labour indeed, and enter deeply into this rich treasure of his word, and to grow in every grace. 9. I addressed myself with earnest prayer and a strong desire, to know and learn the epistle jto the Romans in the Greek, and read the two first chapters with attention and profit. 10. I enjoyed much comfort in prayer this morning. I find that it is my great business to strive to maintain a humble and serious mind, if I would enjoy peace, and communion with God. Read in the Greek the epis^ to Romans, with new and enlarging views. Walked to Shelford. Very often I could see myself a lost sinner, a debtor to mercy alone. I w'as happy and joyful. Hoped and prayed on the road that I might in the day be aware of God’s presence, and strive by all my con- y^rsation to glorify him. On my return home was not , hhmbled enough to come near God. Supped in hall, ' where I had an opportunity of speaking the truth, which f I did in a measure. JOURNAL, 109 11. After a morning of continual interruptions went out with a painful sense of a day unprofitably spent. Yet in my walk, by seeing myself a debtor to mercy alone, I enjoyed much tranquillity and clearness of thought. At night I endeavoured to suppose myself on my death-bed, in order to see what views I should then have of my conduct in this business. What keeps me still in a sort of fear and suspense is, that the result of my deliberations coincides with my own will. 12 dwelt heavily on my mind, but in prayer at noon I committed myself in trust to God and Christ with some peace and joy. In my way to Mr. Simeon’s heard part of the service in King’s Chapel. The sanctity of the place and the music, brought heaven and eternal things and the presence of God very near to me. Read at church, and unexpectedly had much solemnity and happy views. Whenever I am attentive to this world, I see vanity and vexation of spirit written upon it. Alas ! how much time lost. How much sin committed this day. Yet Oh, how I long to live a life of devotedness of God. 14, Distressed about my future plans, but by recol- lecting that whatever He ordered for me must be for His glory and for my final good, I recovered my quiet by resigning myself and all that concerned me into His hands ; in prayer during my walk I did the same, and went away benefited, with a desire to live to God all the day. After dinner wrote sermon. In the evening, from having been more frequently in prayer to-day than usual, I drew nigh unto the Lord, and felt more fulness of heart in prayer for myself and others, though jUst before it I was distressed by many fearful and unbelieving thoughts. Read Thess. iv. and v. with exceeding profit, and learnt them by heart. 15. (Sunday.) Was prevented from so much reading and prayer as I wished to have, in order to maintain the impfessions of' last night. Read and preached at Trinity on John* iv. 29. On the road to Stapleford, 110 JOURNAL. anxiety about the evening kept me a good deal from the sense of the presence of God. After the evening ser- vice I enjoyed the blessing of peace and joy. Thus the Lord is always better to me than my fears, and puts a new song into my mouth when I least expect it. In the family at night I joined with great freedom and delight in spiritual conversation, and strove .to make it profitable to some young persons there. In prayer at night, the self-seeking departure from God and pride of my heart recurred to my recollection, and seemed to have filled up the day. The more attentively I consider my spirit at any one time, the more manifestly does my incessant proneness to sin appear to my conscience. I solemnly renounced the world, and the comforts, even the lawful comforts of it, before God this night, that I might be entirely his servant. This was accompanied with some degree of melancholy , as if I were about to be a loser by it, but I was made to perceive the pride and ignorance of supposing I had made any sacrifice. The remembrance of what I had done to deserve des- truction, and the view of the superlative excellency and glory of being the servant of God, and having him for my only portion, soon made me thankful at having made a happy exchange. 18. The whole of the evening till a late hour, I was engaged in writing a few lines for the Seatonian Priz6. I regard this exercise as a lawful pleasure, but I wats employed with rather too great avidity, and the mind after it has been accustomed to fiction and pleasures of the imagination, returns unwillingly even to the most important realities, 19. H — breakfasted with me, but I could not con- verse with freedom, indeed I had the utmost difikhilty tojfeep the poem out of my head, both now and iH the morning before prayer. Heard an impressive seAhon from — on “ I have fought a good fight,” &c, ^ !* I felt that I had never been fighting, never nilftning. At moments indeed I have been stirred up to the struggle, but soon, before I was aware, I fouird iwy.self JOURNAL. Ill self-indulgent, and my hands slack. In my walk found great pleasure in thinking on the subject of my poem, and it became such a snare that I was unwilling to turn from it to learn some of the Scriptures ; but how- ever I did, and found myself delivered, through mercy, from any strong bias to prefer any thing to the service of God. 21. Found myself in a serious humble spirit at rising, and determined to fast this day, thinking I should both be able to finish my sermon more easily and have besides time for solemn prayer. Finding myself in great distress about the atfair of — , not knowing at all what the will of God was, I used the 27th and 25th Psalms in prayer with some relief. 22. (Sunday.) During the whole service in the evening, my mind enjoyed what resembled heavenly sweetness, but a great deal of it was carnal. Saw that early rising, self-denial, watchfulness, and prayer, are necessary to awaken in me more earnestness in religion. 24. Rose with very distressing thoughts, but was refreshed and strengthened in faith by prayer, so that instead of giving way to an improper temper with my pupils, I was able to be in a more serious and devout spirit. Read with attention Rom. v ; and though I could not fully make out the difficult parts of it, the overflow- ings of grace exhibited in it were enlivening to my spirit. The blessed sense of it remained during my vralk, though I had a great deal of unbelief. 25. My temper this day has been un watchful. At church, however, this morning I guarded against that sinful delusion of reading the prayers carelessly, because there were but two or three people, and prayed I think earnestly. Drank tea with B — , with whom my con- versation was as usual entirely spiritual, but’l went away with reason to lament how much farther my tongue and head go in divine things than my heart. * 26. Woke in great pain of body from a violent headache and great stupidity of mind. I scarcely knew 112 JOURNAL. [1804 'Vi^hat to do. I could think of no promise suitable, but repeated Rom. viii. to myself without much affection'; Happening to open ‘ Paley’s Horse Paulinse,’ where he describes the unwearied patience and invincible fortitude of St. Paul, I was revived in spirit. The whole train of apostles, and martyrs, and saints, struggling for immortality, suddenly passed in review before my mind, and inflamed my heart with an ardent desire to follow their faith and patience, and I prayed accordingly. Read some of ‘ Serle’s Christian Remembrancer’ on sick- ness and death, and sat about two hours with great pain of head, sometimes sleeping, but with, great serenity of mind, for God had spoken comfort to my soul, not by any particular passage of Scrip- ture, but by giving me the thought that I was alone with him. I then spoke to him as a friend, and as all my salvation. It is the want of a walk of faith, an assured hope, that brings on such disquiet at the prospect of death. Let it remind me to make my call- ing and election sure. O Eternity ! Eternity ! 27* Rose restored to health. Oh, how great are His mercies. Was hindered from morning prayer three hours, by pupils coming, during which time my spirit was rather hasty, worldly, and unchristian, for want of being set aright by prayer. Afterwards became calm and peaceful, though I had not much enlargement in prayer from want of time. Oh, what a reason is this to assign, when every moment of my short span of life and of the everlasting duration of my soul are His. Yet I am often tempted to shorten the time of devotion, by supposing duty calls me elsewhere. Read in the evening a sermon by Bostwick, on “ We preach not ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord, ’’ every word o^ which cut deep into my conscience. I bless God for sending me such a word of conviction, but I believe I know little of Christ. In the choice of subjects for sermons, I never hit upon any which shall be directly upon the work or grace of Christ. There are unsearch- able riches of Christ, but I know little of them. JOURNAL. 113 ' [1804 With the system of doctrine I am acquainted, and find Christ’s work my only delight ; but the want of novelty in these subjects has heretofore often failed of arresting my attention to sermons which contained them, and there- fore makes me despair of gaining the attention of my hearers, by discourses which shall contain nothing but those topics. May Christ in his mercy teach me better things !• and if it be his glory, and the salvation of souls I aim at, in wishing to fix the attention of men, he* will instruct me accordingly ; but if not, if I cannot say anything new, or in a new manner, yet woe is me if I preach not the gospel. I have also never laboured as I ought, no, not in any degree either in public or private. But now I commend myself to God, and the word of his grace, beseeching him to show his creature more of his wickedness and ignorance, and so to reveal Christ in his heart, that I may be determined upon good grounds to know nothing but Jesus Christ, and him crucified. 29. (Sunday.) At rising and in prayer, tried, not without success, to be alone with God, and to have my mind impressed with the solemn work of preaching Christ to sinners. Preached at Stapleford on Luke xv. 4 — 7, and succeeded by watchfulness and prayer in maintaining steadiness and humility. In the afternoon preached on that awful subject, Ps. ix. 17, and began with some impression of heart, but was frequently speaking as if I was not one of the sinners I was addressing. In my walk back, not being able to introduce any thing religious, insensibly passed the whole time in talking about music ; for this my conscience suffered afterwards. In prayer I found some difficulty in ob- taining right views. Prepared myself during a walk in the shrubbery for the evening, and was blessed with many ardent thoughts, after an entire devotion to God, and forgetfulness of the world. 30. B — breakfasted with me, but as my mind was not solemnized by sufficient prayer beforehand, a na- tural spirit was prevalent. During my walk I was 114 JOURNAt. [1804 thinking chiefly on the text, “ Not as the offence, so is the free gift.” I was at this time in heaviness on ac- count of the business which oppresses me. I went home and fled to the throne of grace, without which I shoxdd be swallowed up with anguish at the affliction into which it has brought me, from irritation of mind and loss of time. In great sorrow I read some of Isaiah. I can praise God for this exceeding affliction, and beg him to ^ve it its proper effect, but my pain arises greatly from want of time for reading and prayer, as also from doubtfulness about the wiU of God. Oh may he curb and subdue that proud and angry spirit which often, and particularly to-day, has risen up in indignation. May 1. From twelve to one C — sat with me, to my great vexation, as I had not a moment to lose. In my walk I was thinking on Isaiah xxxv. for the evening, and was revived by it, though not at peace, as when strong faith and repentance are vouchsafed to me. In the evening grew better by reading Psalm cxix, which generally brings me into a spiritual frame of mind. 2. Walked out this morning before breakfast, and the beauties of the opening spring constrained me to adoration and praise. But no earthly object or opera- tion can produce true spirituality of heart. My present failing is in this, that I do not feel the power of motives. I have not the fear of God before my eyes in any degree as I ought, nor the fear of danger to my own soul. This night in prayer I was enabled to see my duty, and what is the holy, heavenly, lowly spirit I ought to main- tain, but could not believe it was a matter of the last importance to strive after it. Yet I wish to walk closely with God. O let nothing turn away my thoughts from incessantly prosecuting this blessed work. 3. Leisure time employed about my sermon, to little purpose till I walked, when my thoughts seemed to flow freely. I received great comfort in being able to feel that the keeping my own heart was not only more necessary than writing sermons, but the best way to succeed in them. JOURNAL. 115 1804 ] 4. The prospect of so much to be done before Sun- day, would have overwhelmed ray spirits at most times, but God seems to have strengthened my faith this day. I trusted in him, and was not confounded, and now will I bless him. “ Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee.” I took my paper and ink into the garden, looking up to God for assist- ance, and wrote freely for two hours. I find all the difference in writing out of doors, with quiet and pleas- ing objects before my eyes, and within, where I can do nothing without closing my eyes upon the things before me. If I could be always alone with God, entirely indifferent about the opinions of men, but anxious only to deliver my message from him, and waiting for the fruits of it, I should reach a state to which I aspire, but have not attained. 8. As soon as my eyes open in the morning upon this world, mere earthly thoughts fill my mind instantly. It is only after prayer that I can have my mind fastened upon spiritual things. Then my desires are so strong, frequently to guard against the entrance of earthly thoughts, that I can use those words with truth, Clau- dimini, oculi mei, claudimini. To maintain a spiritual frame of mind, is now the subject of all my petitions, but all my endeavours seem to have as little effect as a few slight touches to a man sleeping, who just half opens his eyes, and is then asleep again. Or it is like pushing an immense weight up a hill ; if you relax your efforts, the weight stops, and more than stops. Alas ! how far must the heart be departed from God by nature, that it requires such incessant labour to keep it with him, even when the reason approves, and the will embraces him. Read some of ‘ Flavel’s Saint Indeed,’ which seemed the very book that -was suitable to my present views. 9. After breakfast, my spirits being a little refreshed, I drew near to God in prayer, and rejoiced that I was in his hands, and that he would order all things for my good. During my walk, I was led to think a 116 JOURNAL. [1804* good while on my deficiency in human learning, and on my having neglected those branches which would have been pleasing and honourable in the acquisition. Yet I said, though with somewhat of melancholy, “ What things w'ere gain to me those 1 counted loss for Christ.” Though I become less esteemed by man, I cannot but think, [though it is not easy to do so,] that it must be more acceptable to God to labour for souls, though the mind remains uninformed ; and consequently, that it must be more truly great and noble, than to be great and notable among men for learning. In the garden afterwards, I rejoiced exceedingly at the pros- pect of a death fast approaching, when my powers of understanding would be enlarged inconceivably. They all talked to me in praise of my sermon on Sunday night, but praise is exceedingly unpleasant to me, be- cause I am slow to render back to God that glory which belongs to him alone. Sometimes it may be useful in encouraging me when I w’ant encouragement, but that at present is not the case, and in truth, praise generally pro- duces pride, and pride presently sets me far from God. 10. My spirit grOans wdthin me at the unprofita- bleness of my time, so much of which passes every day unsatisfactorily, generally through necessity, but some- times through my own carelessness. Indeed if I were careful to live in the spirit of watchfulness and prayer at all times, I should be able to improve the odd half hours. From something I read in Flavel, 1 was con- vinced of the injury we do to ourselves, by coming to God without due meditation ; but this, instead of induc- ing me to stir up my soul to a right frame, somehow made me less anxious. At length I had an hour to myself in my room, and I desired to make it turn to the very best account. I read Hopkins and the Greek Testa- ment, and prepared myself in a degree to meet the Lord. But in it I was not properly engaged, from not seeing long time enough before me. My soul groans after perfect holiness, though my flesh is slow to follow the w'ay to attain it. 1804J JOURNAL. 117 11. B. breakfasted with me, but for want of suffi- cient morning prayer, I was nof careful to improve the conversation. My time being now so short, I deter- mined to give all the rest of the day to acts of devotion, without going into hall to dinner. So I retired to the garden, and fir§t read “ Flavel’s Saint Indeed,” and one of the Epistles, and then endeavoured to order my thoughts. How dark, confused, and wandering were they. I asked myself about what I was come to consider. I first assured myself upon grounds which I thought good, that I was building upon the right foundation, and then found that my true business was to get my heart, which has long been destitute of clear views of God, to become more spiritual. In prayer I continued some time with earnestness, and devoted myself to the service of my Lord with greater solemnity. 12. Rose from .morning prayer with my soul breathing after holiness. I hoped that this day I should keep my heart with all diligence — found my spirit right, happy in God, and full of hope. Read some of Milner’s Church History, and of Flavel’s Saint Indeed, with great blessing. In the afternoon was at a party at — ’s, with a party of men very familiar, as long known, though irreligious. What an unprofitable time it was, and that through my fault partly, and much do I fear I said many things in a way of wit to provoke or offend one of them there. Oh my soul, this is a fearful sin. How different was my conduct from the tender, pitying, humble, and serious deportment of a true child of God. Towards night, my heart declined in spirituality through want of reading scripture and prayer. But, oh that I might now truly begin to live with God, and to God. 13. I was watchful this morning against earthly thoughts, and God sent a blessing to my spirit. I en- joyed every thing, and rejoiced that I should daily grow ntiore watchful, with every thought brought into cap- tivity to the obedience of Christ. This happy and holy frame continued during my morning service, and during my ride to Lolworth, though it was harder to preserve 118 JOURNAL. [1804 it, yet the taste of the sweetness of it made me strive to keep God in sight by prayer. Preached on Heb. iii. 12. By altering the style of the written sermon, as I . went along, it was delivered, I think, with plainness and earnestness. Read the evening service at Trinity church with unusual fervour ; but with many vain self- exalting thoughts at so doing. 16. In morning prayer, I pleaded again and again that I might be heedful to my spirit during the day ; that I might walk alone with God ; that I might pre- pare myself for the evening, not with the detestable anxiety of approving myself unto men, but with the sole wish of doing the will of God. 16. In my walk I was at first greatly distressed, and appeared quite shut out from the divine presence. But soon after beginning to learn some of Psalm cxix. and repeating our Lord’s farewell sermon in St. John, my peace returned. Thus the word of God is always my comfort. In prayer, I seemed to abjure all sin, and the very approach to it, from the bottom of my heart. Read the second epistle to the Corinthians, with a special blessing. What mean dark views have I of the glorious ministrations of the Spirit. And if the work of the ministry be so awful, how can such a worm as I be faithful in it without earnest prayer and help from God. If Paul was such as we are in afflictions, dis- tresses (and O how far off from any thing like this do I find myself) yet I ask myself, why am I not holy and heavenly-minded as Paul ? 17. Rose early-, with my spirit far from God, but I was brought to a humble, serious frame by prayer. Let it teach me to be constant and persevering in it. 18. The sciatica prevented me from sleeping much in the night, and I rose in exceeding pain of body. But I enjoyed blessed peace of mind, as I did also last night in prayer. It is the Lord, I trust, who kept me in perfect peace. 20. (Sunday.) Enjoyed this morning, as also last night, great blessedness in prayer. When I walked in JOURNAL. 119 ‘l804] the garden, the sight of the beautiful objects in it made God still appear to be very near. In the afternoon heard Mr. Lloyd preach with great clearness and power on the internal illumination of the Holy Spirit. During the anthem there, I seemed to have a foretaste of heaven, and could have wished to die, or to live always in that frame in which I found myself. Preached at Trinity this evening on Eph. iv. 30. Went home after- wards, and succeeded in keeping down all self-exalting thoughts, and to have my mind not taken up with think- ing about what I had been just doing, but alone with God. 21. I awoke with a mind disposed to pray and praise, according to my prayer of yesterday, but by not immediately rising, my vain heart wandered from God again. O how do I waste and trifle with the precious gifts of God; yet in prayer “ he restored” my soul again, and caused me to long earnestly for the continual walk of faith. Breakfasted with some friends, when the detestable spirit of pride, against which I had prayed, and which I foresaw would be working, molested me grievously. I considered myself as somebody, and that i must speak as an oracle on religion ; however I said little to the purpose. In the evening read Daniel, and should have had my soul filled with awful thoughts, had I not borne in mind that I should read it on Wednesday night at the room. O what a snare are public ministrations to me ! Not that I wish for the praise of men, but there is some fear and anxiety about not getting through. How happy could I be in meet- ing the people of my God more frequently, were it not for this fear of being unprofitable. But since God has given me natural gifts, let this teach me that all I want is' a spiritual frame, to improve and employ them in the things of God. 22. Rose fearful, but I resolved again in the strength of God to struggle hard this day. Wasted a great deal of the morning in finding out a text for the fast-day. My mind was beginning to sink into discontent at my unprofitableness, but by reading some of Psalm cxix. and 120 JOURNAL. [1804 prayer, I recovered. I find my best preservative is to ask myself, Is my present temper, train of thoughts, &c. heavenly ? then I strive to conform myself to the frame I should have, and the manner of speaking I should use, if my heart were filled with divine love. It is amazing to me to reflect that I should have such a desire to die to the world, and to think of invisible things, as I believe I have, and yet find not only so much of sin, but also so much of levity in my spirit. The tide of animal spirits is so strong, that in the most sacred employment it intrudes and terrifies me. Yet in these two last days I have made progress, and blessed be God for it. 23. I was able to maintain the same watchful spirit this morning. At church my soul was assaulted grie- vously by wanderings of the eyes and heart, but the recollection of my late fellowship with God, helped to deliver me from those temptations. Sin is indeed in- wrought into my nature; notwithstanding the greater degree of care over my spirit I have exerted, yet the least occasion is enough to cause the outbreakings of corruption. In my walk, enjoyed a clear and tranquil frame, and much of the presence of God, though the commendation of my sermon I yesterday received, too frequently recurred as a favourite meditation. After dinner, alas! entirely indisposed to every duty, but I was much stirred up by prayer over Rev. iii. 24. Many of my waking thoughts were employed on the subject of keeping near to God. 25. (Fast-day.) Preached on Hosea vi. 1. At — ’s could not succeed in making the conversation profitable, though I tried repeatedly. , On coming away, I was be- ginning to be cast down at the thought of it, but I appealed to God, that I wished to improve the time in company better, and that it was all this time a grief to me, that the conversation was not more suitable to the day. Riding home, my heart was not fixed or rejoicing, except once at the reflection of having ^ven up the l^^gs of the world, and having nothing of any kind to 1804 ] JOURNAL. 121 engage my thoughts here, but to become holy, and be the means of salvation to sinners. I could bless him also for giving me light and power to make so happy a choice. 26. My prayer this morning for a meek and holy sobriety was answered. O how sweet is the dawn of heaven. Read Juvenal for the examination, and my heart was soon departing from God, and leading me into dislike of his service. But by some well-timed checks it returned. Upon the whole, this has been the best week I have ever passed, for faith has been more in ex- ercise. Yet I have little sense of communicsttions from God. 27. (Sunday.) Rose at a quarter before five, and continued above an hour in prayer in great deadness till towards the Cnd, when I could have gone on with delight if my strength had permitted. Walked in the garden with my heart continually wavering, some- times reposing in full confidence on God, at other times made mis.erable by fears. My mind seemed fatigued all this day, incapable of enjoyment, though it approved supremely the things that are excellent. At times I felt myself hurried to thoughtless levity, but I cried to God for help. Indeed I was severely tried the w'hole day within and without. Preached at Lolworth, on Eph. iv. 30. but it seemed to tire them. Rode home quite disheartened * * * but I hastened to lift up my heart in prayer for fear of feeling any improper emotion. — told me after church of many faults in read- ing and preaching. Though I felt really rejoiced at his kindness, yet the discovery of any thing that made me contemptible to others, with the other proofs of despe- rate pride that I remembered this day, galled and grieved me; but at night I cried very earnestly that God would make me utterly despicable, and do any thing to destroy the accursed sin of my heart. 28. Oh that my soul could maintain but for one day the divine sweetness attending the exercise of humi- lity and love ! H. and S. breakfasted with me. I 1^2 JOURNAL. [1804 strove to keep my heart and my tongue as it were with a bridle. My thoughts were miserably wandering in my walk, through neglect of improving the time of reading and prayer. Received a letter containing some unpleasant charges from one of our people ; its first effect was to drive me nearer to God, and so give me peace. 29. Mr. K. White of Nottingham breakfasted with me. In my walk was greatly cast down, except for a short time on my return, when as I was singing or rather chanting some petitions in a low plaintive voice, I insensibly found myself sweetly engaged in prayer. 30. In prayer ray heart was in my mouth, and greatly elevated in spirits, which I endeavoured to repress. During the rest of the morning I was assaulted by strong temptations, but some few ejacula- tions raised me above these sins and made me loathe them. Some evil reports concerning me have got abroad, and no hypothesis whatever will account for my conduct. I can only say that all that I did was from pure charity, and very painful to my own feelings, and so God knoweth. May he defend the honour of his minister, and enable me still to speak with all boldness. 31. In prayer I was so clearly enlightened with the knowledge of what I ought to be, and so longed to maintain in perfection a holy, humble, serious, devout spirit, that I thought I should have at least some strong desires all the day, but after pupil and reading Juvenal, I was unwilling either to pray or read the Bible. But through mercy I was soon restored, and walked out in the happy enjoyment of God’s presence. Called and found C — , so meek and humble that I felt quite happy with him, and staid with him an hour, opening the truths of the precious Gospel with great comfort to him, as I afterwards learnt. Supped with B— , in company with seven other clergymen, all conscientious. I wished much to say something to a good purpose, but bad no opportunity, yet I reasonably blamed myself afterwards, for not striving more, and for not having that spirituality 1804] JOURNAL. 123 of mind which might have -found opportunities when there were otherwise none. Once when I reflected how godly our conversation ought to be, how high our adoration and acknowledgment of the divine presence, and contrasted it with our conduct, I perceived we were fallen creatures. June 1. Engaged all day long in hall. In the intervals I endeavoured to seek after God with various success. In hall I had occasion enough to check the risings of a vain conceited spirit. 2. In haU during the morning. Walked before dinner with B — , but I wanted to be alone. The con- versation was about religion, but only about it. Soon after dinner I was somewhat shocked at considering how composedly I could go on so long without prayer, and not think of returning to it. I went to my room and prayed in seriousness, and found my spirit improved. Continued at Locke till half-past eleven, and then found myself all the worse for this sort of life, employed neither in divine thoughts nor works of charity. I think it almost impossible I could ever have been faith- ful to Christ in any other calling, my mind is so easily • led away by the least earthly study. How dull, how slow in apprehending objects of faith, so that they should have a living power upon me \ 3. At breakfast, from the circumstance of my cough, the conversation turned upon death and our preparation for it. I felt myself able to look forward to it with comfort. Preached at St. Giles, on Johnvii. \9. in weakness both of body and mind. After dinner 1 prayed with comfort, though for too short a time, and preached at the same church, on the parable of the lost sheep, with more animation both of mind and outward gesture than I have ever manifested. Called upon C — after church, and had some conversation with him to my great comfort. In private prayer at night I drew near the Lord and was particularly affected at the belief of — ’s danger. Oh may he at last hear my prayers for her. 124 JOURNAL. [1804 4. In hall during the morning. The utmost atten- ,tion to mental employment does not prevent the intrusion of vain and sinful thoughts ; why then should it of religious thoughts ? By many seasonable checks I turned away my thoughts from a light unholy spirit, and directed it to use the posture as it were of humi- lity and love. During my walk I learnt the latter part of 2 Tim. and Titus, with great conviction of the awful charge of the ministry. Some men complain that the wheels of their bodily machine run too slow for the soul, and so may I say in many things ; but I may also add with equal truth, that the wheels of my body often run too fast for the soul, so that often when the soul is longing to compose itself to the exercise of a calm and sober temper, the animal spirits hurry it away in clear contradiction to the will. 6. Enjoyed considerable peace this morning. Several marks of the contempt of men, at different times of the day, affected me but little. In my walk, found my mind very readily brought into somewhat of a temper of ten- derness and sobriety, though not a clear sense of the • divine presence. At night, read the six last Psalms, with some suitableness of spirit. 6. Was very irregular in prayer this morning, my heart seemed disposed to praise, but I am always easily deceived by frames of joy. But I have through grace, acquired more discernment, or at least have learnt by my own feelings what frame is not right. I have often had a great deal of joy without peace, it was not pure ; my natural temper is a long way distant from that calm sobriety of so\d, where self is altogether abased and forgotten, and God and his glory are the only sub- ject and object of the thoughts. By repeated enjoyment of this blessed temper, I trust that through the Spirit it will become habitual. White came in, and con- tinued with me at tea, and in a walk till past nine. In the interval of a few minutes of his absence, I prayed for myself, and particularly for him, that I might be able to lay before him, motives for a more entire resignation of 1804] JOURNAL. 125 himself ; but the conversation afterwards, whether through my fault or not I cannot say, but certainly, against my will, was upon something else. Read Ezek. iii. and xxxiii. with awful convictions of the importance of the ministry. 7 . Breakfasted with — who said many strong things against my sermons which pained my mind not a little all the day. In a short walk in the evening, my heart ascended to God, and I recovered considerable peace. Passed the rest of the evening at Mr. Simeon’s with — he contrived to say many things to us both for our good ; to me, by makingsome remarks on a person, who, 'he said, lashed the subjects of censure in his ser- mons with undue severity, forgetting that he himself was equally weak ; his remarks, he said, were too broad and without a due mixture of light and shade, and seemed to manifest a lamentable ignorance of his own heart. 8. The whole of this morning in settling the classes ; it was a joyful thing to throw off immediately after- wards all the earthly thoughts that had come upon me, — was much disturbed this evening by employing my- self about something which excluded the Bible for a time, though I felt that I ought to be reading that. How easy is it, and yet how awful, to grieve the Holy Spirit of God. 9. This morning H. breakfasted with me, and left Cambridge finally. After he was gone I sat an hour in melancholy reflection on the transitory nature of earthly things, and should have continued longer, had my thoughts been fixed steadily on the subject. In my w’alk, my mind was wandering, but I fled instantly to God, and prayed for purification and strength. Supped at D’s. and our evening passed in a happy spiritual man- ner. D. read some interesting parts of Mr. Wesley’s Journal among the Americans, and we discoursed also upon the character of Mr. Fletcher. I felt animated for a time to be such an one^ and what was it but slothful- ness, and unbelief, and self-indulgence, that suffer 126 JOURNAL. [1804 these desires to decline, or that keep me from attaining i jtheir heights of holiness ? 10. (Sunday.) Felt rather cast down in the service, from fear that my manner was offensive to the people. On my ride to Lol worth, my mind was rather dark, and terrified, and absent from God, yet I succeeded at times in encouraging myself with the assurance, that if but one word of scripture suited me, it was sufficient for me to rest upon. At church, when the first psalm was sung before the sermon, I found my heart rivetted in the most enrapturing sweetness, while it silently professed to God its desires of holiness. How vain, how con- temptible, did every sensual joy appear at the mofnent. During my walk home from church, though it was but a few minutes, my pride and vanity found employment. But though unconscious of any thing practically wrong at the time, when I came home I began to be provoked at myself for thus destroying my own happiness, and grieving the Holy Spirit. Directly after, having occa- sion to go across the court, the same detestable passions led me into a series of thoughts which had continued for some time before I was aware of it. These are sad proofs of the desperate wickedness of the heart. “ Oh wretched man that I am, who shall deliver me from the body of this death ! ” These words just express my feel- ings. I am thankful that God has not given me any one talent more than he has, for, humanly speaking, they would endanger my soul. Now, would to God I were quite dead to the world. It will be heaven indeed to me, when self is entirely lost. I had rather be a slave to another in a case where I could be purely disinte- rested, than submit to this most loathsome vassalage to my ownself. 11. After my morning prayer, my heart enjoye^^a calm and blessed temper, but it gradually declined by my forgetting to watch over myself in conversation with others. Rode with Mr. Simeon to Shelford, he was talking chiefly of ray going to ^India. As I am wanted in several places immediately, he had* no doubt but I JOURNAL. 127 ^ 1804] should go early in the spring. The rest of the day at Shelford, my mind was at peace, though for want of retirement I enjoyed no sensible communion with God. In reading at night Levit. x. and Brown’s Reflections, I was deeply affected, and had many momentary glances of holy thoughts and resolutions, but my mind had been so taken up with earthly objects this day, that I had no power to fix them on heavenly things. Oh, how is it possible that a sinner liable to be hurried in a moment to the tribunal of God could ever walk so carelessly ! 12. I was grieved to find that all the exertions of prayer were necessary against worldly mindedness, so soon had the prospect of the means of competent sup- port in India filled my heart with concern about earthly happiness, marriage, &c. but I strove earnestly against them, and prayed for grace that if it should please God to try my faith by calling me to a post of opulence, I might not dare to use for myself what is truly his ; as also, that I might be enabled to keep myself single for serving him more effectually. Nevertheless, this change in my circumstances so troubled me, that I could have been infinitely better pleased to have gone out as a missionary, poor as the Lord and his apostles. I had a long con- versation with Mr. — , in which he seemed at first to complain rather severely, that I said nothing for the comfort of the saints, told me that I knew nothing as yet of my own heart, and many other things to the same purpose, with proper modesty, but clearly enough for me to perceive his drift. I left him rather humbled, conscious of my shallowness ; my mind estranged from divine things through long discontinuance of private prayer. I had promised to walk with — , which was perfectly hateful to me at this time, when I had such need of being alone with God. I have declined so sen- sibly these last two or three days, that I design to devote to-morrow to fasting and prayer, and may it please God to make it the means of quickening me again. My heart already rejoices at the prospect of the increase of JOURNAL. 128 spirituality. Read two or three first chapters of Jere- Ji miah at night, with some impressions. 13. Before breakfast I continued about an hour and a half in a prayer of humiliation. The rest of the day after church, was passed in reading and prayer, and latterly in writing a sermon for next Sunday. My heart was engaged sweetly but at one time, and that was in the work of intercession. Walked out in the evening in great tranquillity, and on my return met with Mr. C — , with whom I was obliged to walk an hour longer. He thought it a most improper step for me to leave the University to preach to the ignorant heathen, which any person could do, and that I ought rather to improve the opportunity of acquiring human learning. All our conversation on the subject of earning, religion, &c, ended in nothing, he was con- vinced he was right, and all the texts of Scripture I pro- duced, were applicable, according to him, only to the times of the apostles. How is my soul constrained to adore the sovereign mercy of God, who began his work in my proud heart, and carried it on through snares which have ruined thousands, namely, human learning and honours ; and now, my soul, dost thou not esteem all things but dung and dross, compared with the ex- cellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord. Yea, did not gratitude constrain uie, did not duty and fear of destruction, yet surely the excellency of the ser- vice of Christ would constrain me to lay down ten thousand lives in the prosecution of it. My heart was a little discomposed this evening at the account of the late magnificent prizes proposed by Mr. Buchanan and others, in the University, for which Mr. C. has been calling me to write ; but I was soon at rest again. But how easily do I forget that God is no respecter of per- sons ; that in the midst of the notice I attract as an enthusiast, he judges of me according to my inward state. Oh ! my soul, take no pleasure in outward re- ligion, nor in exciting wonder, but in the true circum- cision of the heart. Jt%BNAL. 1^' 14. Called out directly after breakfast, and then great part of the morning was lost about nothing. On my return I was verging to discontent and unwillingness to write a sermon, but changed to a most admiring and elevated joy at the thought* of being a minister of the most high God, called to proclaim the dignity and ex- cellence of Jesus Christ. * 15. Prayed that the pressure of ministerial concerns might not disturb my mind during the day. . 16. Maintained a right spirit of peace and love through the early part of the morning. — told me of many contemptuous insulting things that had been said of me, reflecting, some on my understanding, some on my condition, sincerity, inconsistent conduct. It was a great trial of my patience, and I was frequently tempted in the course of the evening, to let my natural spirit rage forth in indignation and revenge, but I remembered him of whom it was said, “ Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again, but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously.” As I was eonscious I did not deserve the censures which were passed upon me, I committed myself to God, and in him may I abide until the indignation be overpast I My soul, alas, needs these uneasinesses in outward things, to be driven to take refuge in God. 17. (Sunday.) At church, in the service enjoyed much peace. Preached on 1 Tim. i. 15, to a full con- gregation. I hope some were affected, though, when I reflect upon the indifference of my heart, I have need to fear, lest no soul should ever be given to me. Drank tea at Mr. — ’s, in order to have an opportunity of ex- pressing my sense of the misconduct of — , staying with hirfi, who had been the means of spreading the reports about me. After tea I spoke of this, though fearful of being in perturbation, as it was before the whole family, but I put myi^elf into the hands of God, who truly enabled me to preserve what I most wished, an unsha- ken composure of mind. I went away very thankful to God, who had given me the means of satisfying all those K 130 journal [M04 who heard me. Afterwards, till the evening sermon, I was thinking far too much of this business and other earthly things, but Mr. Simeon’s sermon on Jeremiah xxxi. 8, 9, restored me a little, and made me desire to be alone with God. In prayer at night I seemed to be awakened from a long sleep ; alas, I have had a name to live, and have been dead. Not having stirred up myself to take hold of God, I have become unconscious of the burden of corruption, and the consequence is, that pride has spread over my whole heart, and swallowed up my, whole spirit. When I began to perceive it through mercy this evening, and attempted to be humbled before God, I found it utterly impossible. I could only say before him,- that I had no power of myself to think a good thought, and so I found it then. Every desire after grace, and help, and strength against corruption, was itself full of corruption. One thing was particularly offensive to me. How experimental a Christian, thought I, shall I be in my sermons, when I come to describe the feelings and workings of my mind this evening. Wretched, wretched man that I am, who shall deliver me from this never-ceasing self-complacency, this ac- cursed pride. O may the spirit always make me groan under this burden, and bring to my first remembrance in the morning the corruption of my heart, and teach me the way of obtaining suitable humiliation. 18. In my walk, for the most part I was very unhappy. I was willing to take my heart into exercise, and begin a thorough work of humiliation and conviction, but it appeared closed up on all sides, every avenue tb it seemed to be hid in darkness and confusion. However, before I returned home, I found peace returning>, upon the consideration, that my duty was to be dili^nt in secret exercises, and God himself would teach die. In the afternoon read ‘ Tennant’s India,’ and foresaw that my future life in that country would be outwardly odious to the last degree. But in the face of every difficulty I could truly say, “ None of these things move me.” The rest of the evening passed rather unprofi^ably, 1804 ] JOURNAL. 131 by my looking at several chapters for exposition, with- out settling: yet my mind seemed to be blest from above ; I passed an hour in prayer at one time with much delight, especially in the work of intercession. 19. Rode to Shelford to dinner; on the road at first I was far from God, but my heart revived. after- wards, so that I found him my chief joy, and depended on him for making me walk becomingly. . * Supped at B— ’s in the evening, and notwithstanding a serious prayer beforehand, I was unwatchful, and too much conformed to the world. I know not how to conduct myself well in such cases. 21. In my walk, my mind was not at peace. Alas, my faith fails every day. I cannot trust God for strengthening me and guiding me. Went in the after- noon with some degree of affection and zeal to Wall’s Lane. Sat an hour with two old women, both above fourscore, and talked to little effect apparently. Had some comfort in prayer afterwards at home, and re- ceived B — in a serious frame. How encouraging is it to further exertion, that the Lord sends a blessing to the least ‘degree of diligence. At church Mr.* Simeon preached on John iv. 34. “ My meat is to do the will of him that sent me, and to finish his work.’’ The text struck me exceedingly, and so did his first division, which showed our Lord’s fervent affection, unwearied diligence, and undaunted resolution in doing his work. My soul was stirred up within me to follow his steps, and to devote myself thus entirely to his service, as I did not believe I had ever truly done. I almost trembled to promise or vow before God, that I would be his for ever, yet I gave up myself in prayer to be his servant, and the follower of Jesus Christ. My desires- are at present very strong for a conformity to Christ, not so much from a sense of the beauty of holiness, as from the hope of glory and esteem of the superlative excel- lency of such a life. Yet my heart sinks within me at the prospect of the terrible opposition I shall have to encounter from the world, from the flesh, and from the K 2 132 JOURNAL. [1804 Devil; from the two former especially. Oh God, do thou strengthen me, that my faith fail not, that I may not be discouraged till I have said, “ It is finished.” 22. Retained all this day the impression of yesterday, and considered myself as bound by promise and by the con- victioijs of yesterday, to be as one wholly devoted to God. Passed the rest of the morning chiefly in the summer house, hoping by meditation and prayer to have my mind made spiritual, and prepared for usefulness in the ministry, but gained little access to God from being much under the influence of a self-dependent spirit. Yet I continued in supplication, in the assurance that in his good time I should find a blessing. Rode in the after- noon to Boxworth, and on the road was rather about to be with God than with him. 23. A little before prayer at noon I was trifling, and in the exercise found myself praying in unbelief, with no sense of God’s majesty, nor any awful sense of offending him. In some alarm I cried for help and mercy, and in. great pain and difficulty stirred up my heart to make a few petitions in earnest. One section of Psalm cxix, I found very suitable. I was grieved at my waste of time, and want of communion with God, and general unprofitableness ; but found a humbling effect produced by the inquiry into my own mind. Teach me, O Lord, the way of thy statutes, and I shall keep it unto the end. May I walk humbly through life, the faithful servant and minister of Christ. 24. I was rather watchful during the morning, and at times during the service, had a joyful sense of the divine presence ; but as it was chiefly during the hymns, I think these affections suspicious. Let nie feel the same sweet heart-burning emotions in the midst of a desert, and I shall then attribute them to the Spirit. Several marks of love and esteem shown me by persons I respect, raised my animal spirits to a great height, while in the mean time my heart was proportionably grieved. Oh how far preferable is one taste of the sweet frame of love to all this crackling of thorns under • 1804] JOURNAL. 133 a pot. I desire something of which I have but a distant glimmering, often disapproving of a life of true piety : when shall I live forgetful of the world, with all my thoughts, motives, pleasures, &c. centering in God ? 25. Was still anxious after deadness to the world, and love to God, both for the sake of my own comfort, and that I might be better qualified to go through the service. So many base and bye ends are there even in my desires after holiness. Went to — to tea, where I hoped to be as one belonging to another world, but self-seeking and pride showed too plainly that I be- longed to this. Took the last chapter of Daniel, and had too great freedom of speech for my seriousness and peace. I not only was vain, but what is more, I think that I showed my vanity. Wandered into the walks in great dejection, when I met with that man of God, Mr. Lloyd. He presently began on the subject of pride, and other evils, indwelling in our corrupted hearts, on all which I could talk justly from experience, and was of course pleased with my own penetration, and with being able to converse with so confirmed a Christian ; but knowing is nothing ; “ to will is present»with me, but how to perform that which is good I find not.” I know how, but I find not. Let me but ply heart-work in secret, let me but walk alone in communion with God, and I shall surely be able to offer him sacrifices more pure, though from the experi- ence of others I am taught to expect never to be able to escape from corruption, till I leave the body; my only fear is, lest I should rest satisfied with having discovered my own corruption, without labouring to overcome it. Biit God who has sent me light to see these things, will qfiicken the paralyzed po\vers of my soul, and help me to throw off the poison of my heart. 26. Heard enough of the business of — to make me sick of the world. Oh, what a relief it is to my bur- dened soul, to depart in spirit from this scene of vanity and error, to repose with God. Rose extremely care- less of my thoughts, but in prayer had the same desires 134 JOURNAL. [1804 as for the last three or four days. In my walk enjoyed great peacefulness. I am far more satisfied than I ever wi^s, now that I see the corruption of my heart more, and the provision made for its renovation by the Spirit, in the great plan of Christ’s redemption. . “The law of the spirit of life in Christ Jesus, hath made me free,” &c. and the whole of the first part of Rom. viii. appeared to me to refer, to sanctification. After dinner was at H — ’s with a party, but repented afterwards, as it was time lost, no opportunity offering to speak for their good. Went to the hospital, and read John iv, and at seven to the society of young men, and expounded the same chapter as last night, but with great dulness I suppose, for one of them was set fast asleep. This little event had a blessed effect on my spirit in prayer, as my heart was humbled by it. * * Any little marks of the contempt of men are the most whole- some diet I can use. The praises of men do not puff me up proportionably, because I am used to them ; but to be despised of men is not a customary thing with me, and affects me very deeply. My pride is sensibly wounded, and I think less of myself. What rnay be the design of God in thus lowering me in Jthe opinion of those who hear me, and so apparently diminishing my usefulness in the ministry, I am at a loss to con- ceive. Perhaps he is teaching me the horrible nature of the least sin, or is weaning my heart from finding my comfort in any thing but him, since even his own people are turned against me or is preparing my faith for future trials, or is teaching me prudence, that I maji learn by bitter experience, how to behave myself ine^tbfi Church of God ; or perhaps all these. If it be for my heart shall acknowledge that it is a slight chai^e- ment compared with the just punishment of it. ,If it be to teach me better things I will bless the Lord. ^ But enough of worldly things. “ O that I had wings like a dove ! for then would I flee away and be at rest. Lo then would I wander far off, and remain in the wilder- ness. I would hasten my escape from the vyi^idy storm JOURNAL. 135 • 1804] and tempest . " Thus my imagination takes to itself wings, and flies to some wilderness where I may hold converse in solitude with God. ‘ The world forgetting by the world forgot.’ Read and prayed with my bed- maker at night. 27* Was interrupted and distracted in prayer this morning. A funeral and calls of friends took up my time till eleven, afterwards read Persian, and made some calculations in Trigonometry, in order to be familiar with the use of Logarithms. But my mind by giddy levity with a friend was grieved and injured. Yet it pleased the Lord to restore me, and lead me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Dined at Mr. Simeon’s, and then I went to the hospital, and in going remembered how frequently my treacherous heart had been wandering after vanity. I went afterwards with a party to an inspection of soldiers, but soon retired really grieved that my poor fellow-creatures, who were there in such numbers, sought their happiness in such miserable vanities. O how do they contrive to live without God. I retired into the fields to regain reflec- tion, and could say I came not hither by constraint but choice. O what would have been the misery of my mind by this time had I not known God ! Even in much earlier youth, when far more was to be expected from the world, I looked round in distress, saying. Who will show me any good ? I should now probably have been living in the full indulgence of carnal lusts, and be labouring after the largest possible acquisition of human glory either in military life, though my frame be feeble, or by learning. Consequently I should now be tortured by j'emorse and guilt, and my temper would be bitter to furiousness by disappointment and envy. As I have this day been constrained to adore the mercy of God who hath saved me from recent snares, so will I now praise him for having turned me from a life of woe to the enjoyment of peace and hope. The work is real, I can no more doubt it than I can my own existence. The whole current of my desires is altered, 1 am walking 136 JOURNAL. [1804 quite another way, though I am incessantly stumbling in that way, yet the lusts of the flesh, the lusts of the eyes, and the pride of life, engage more of my thoughts than I should conceive possible in one who really finds happiness only in that proportion as he sees himself a stranger and a pilgrim on the earth- 28. Was interrupted in prayer this morning in consequence of rising late. Read at the hospital after dinner, 1 Pet. iv. and was about a sermon till church time, many of my dear brethren in the ministry were there. During service I felt great fear at times, though I said to myself, what means this anxiety ? Am I not ashamed to speak in the presence of Jehovah, and shall I be confounded before a few poor mortals ? In the pulpit I was free from all fear, and delivered my sermon on the blessed subject, 1 Tim. i. 15. with animation and ease, and with more inward delight than I ever before felt in the pulpit. But there was a great deal of pride aaid vanity in my heart all the rest of the evening. After supper called and spoke to poor S — for some time, but in vain. 29. Alas ! my soul is becoming dead again, though it hath a name to live ; so short, so distant am I in prayer. In the morning I thought I had obtained the possession of a heavenly temper, but very soon an occa- sion, the slightest possible, shewed me that I was proud, impatient, and peevish. The morning was taken up by walking with others, by which I was left empty and unhappy. At dinner I lifted up my heart with some success, and in prayer in my rooms afterwards. Went to the hospital with a good look out after my own heart, lest it should rove in pursuit of earthly concerns. Read to them Isaiah Iv. and conversed afterwards with them in their respective wards. D — continued with me all the evening, so that not a single thing has been done this day in private. Read at night the three first chapters of the Revelations, and found them as usual very searching and awful. Prayed at night with fervor. 30. Some friends breakfasted with me this morning. JOURNAL. 137 • 1804J and I hoped by prayer beforehand that I should have been able in my conversation to stir them up, but I failed, partly through their fault, but chiefly through my own. How little heavenly-mindedness is there amongst us ! teased and troubled my mind, but I felt confidence in the evidence of God. After dinner found my mind serious and earnest over 1 Thess. Read in the hospital Matt. vii. I rode to Lolworth and sought to be cheerful, sometimes from the prospect of going home, sometimes from the consideration of all the subjects of hope. But finding these unable to cheer me, I inquired what was my real good ? the answer I ought to make is ‘ the enjoyment of God,’ but not being able to conceive this at the time, I rather supposed that the perfection of our natures in holiness was the chief blessing. Remembering the blessed peace I had often enjoyed in humiliation and love, my mind brightened again with these holy tempers, and foresaw fulness of bliss in the blessed exercise of them among the creatures of God to all eternity. Found the poor man at Lolworth near death. I continued two hours without affecting him. When I asked him if I should pray with him, ‘ If I liked it,’ he said. I then inquired why he was not ear- nest that I should. He said he did not know that it would do him much good. I expostulated with him, and went to prayer, after which he seemed melted. I rode home in somewhat of peace, though pride was at work. July 1. (Sunday.) Walked a little before morning prayer, and found by my wanderings and discontent in how great a degree prayer had effected that sweet enjoy- ment of divine things I have often felt in passing through th? walks just after its exercise. But afterwards I had a most blessed view of God and divine things. O how great is his excellency ! 1 found my heart at times pained for want of words to praise him according to his exi^eUent greatness. Looking forward to complete conformity to him as my great end of existence, my assurance was full. I said almost with tears, “ who shall separate me from the love of Christ? Shall tribulations,” &c. HIS 138 JOURNAL. 0 [1804 power being supreme delivered me from every fear. At church enjoyed some deadness to the world, but at the receiving of the sacranjent my heart was hard and insensible. I knew not what to do. I seemed to have a heart of adamant, and full of pride and earthly thoughts. # * # « # * * # * # Heard Dr. P — preach for two hours ; his profusion of Greek and Latin quotations excited ' my mirth, when his unprofit- ableness ought to have raised very different emotions in me. After church at night walked in the Fellows’ garden with four friends ; 'our conversation was tolerably spiritual, but my heart was swelling fast with pride and love of the world, and fear of losing the opinion of those who love and honour me. But I know my refuge. God is able to humble me, and to make me die to every thing but himself. In prayer at night God either shewed me myself .or else Satan tempted me to his own sin, but my soul was filled with greater misery and horror than I ever yet experienced. I know not how to describe my feelings, nor how I got into them, but it was after metaphysical inquiries into the nature and end of my being, and in what consists the happi- ness of the soul. My thoughts were those of cool deliberate pride ; there was no sudden repugnance to the divine will through the love of the flesh, but a sort of calm rejection of the authority of God, and of the necessity of humiliation before him. In the utmost agony of soul I sometimes hurried to the thoughts qf my being a creature, sometimes to my having been saved through mercy from hell. . I was afraid to leave off praying in this frame, lest I should sink down to dwell with the devil and his angels, whose spirit of rebellion I seemed precisely to have obtained. Went to hecL commending my soul earnestly to Christ, and trusting that by to-morrow these distressing thoughts would have passed away. 2. But they returned to fill my soul with anguish ; after an hour spent in prayer the Lord mercifully JOURNAL. 139 • 1804 ] assisted me, and the sense of my danger and blas- phemous impiety melted me into tears. I now hoped that in answer to my prayers, I should now and ever take my place among the most worthless of the crea- tures of God, and feel among my brethren, as one who was not worthy to be trodden under foot : but through the day, was unhappy from the real actings of un- belief. I was afraid, or suspected that the same atheistical thoughts were still in my head, and I dreaded to examine it ; and I thought also that God’s anger was kindled, and he was departing from me. On my return from my walk, read some of the Old Testament with the hope of seeing my own insignificance, and God’s greatness and power : then prayed and put up some strong cries- for help and faith, in which I was greatly encouraged by considering that there was no one else who would or could do me any good, but God, with whom I was alone. At King’s chapel, my heart ascended in faith to God my Saviour, and I was in^ dined to have my heart drawn out in tenderness and love towards God and man. I confess that I know hot the end of my being, nor wherein consists the happi- ness of the soul, and I tremble to inquire, lest my be- clouded reason, &c. (Vide Memoir.) 3. My thoughts this morning were rather of a dif- ferent kind, lest I should be carried away by the vanities of a public day. In the senate house, where I was cre- ated M. A. I was not in general forgetful of my soul, though I caught myself repeatedly in trains of vain thoughts ; was empty and tired for want of being alone attended a society where Mr. Simeon lectured on the words, ‘ a plant of renown ; ’ towards the last, I found some returning admiration and affection for the Lord Jesus Christ, but the momentary sunshine was overcast materially by clouds of unbelief. The dreadful pride of my heart, as it was discovered to me on Sunday night, has made me almost desperate. I know not what to do. I am afraid of never coming to God or Christ with the humility of a creature. The only thing that revives 140 JOURNAL. [1804' my heart, is the thought of the possibility of becoming the meanest creature of God serving him : and I de- clare, that were all the glory my imagination could in- vent offered to me, with my present proud heart, I would not, I could not take it; nay, on the contrary, so miserable would it make me, by increasing my pride and rebellion against God, that rather than have it, I would prefer being blotted out of existence for ever. And this I say, not from any deep conviction of the pro- priety of such submission, but only from feeling what is my real happiness. And now I think I have stated my case. ***** * * It is all in vain that I remember myself to be created out of the dust, that I know nothing of natural things, that I can neither do, say, or think any thing, except by his permission. Yet all are in vain to bring me down. I pray as usual, yet cursed unbelief and pride send me away without a blessing. Nevertheless, now for the shield of faith to quench these fiery darts of the devil. At present my desires after humiliation are intensely strong ; I do not know why ; but if this Satanic spirit remain, the cloud may spread over these desires also, and then all is over. I there- . fore commend my sohl to Christ ; with great difficulty, forcing my way through the crowd of opposing enemies within, and I think also Satan without : it is the pecu- liar dreadfiilness of these thoughts that they dishonour the Saviour, and deny his authority, and tear me away from my best and only friend. Yet they shall Qot, if Christ give me grace to stand firm. Be strong, my soul, why art thou afraid ? This is the very time to shew the strength of faith. 1 will even, against hope, believe in hope. 4. To-day I would hope that the Lord hath he^d my prayer, in delivering me from spiritual pride, for I have had no returns of it in the same distracting di^ree. Walked to Shelford, where the tiine passed not \yithout religious conversation, but my mind was carnal for want of reading and prayer. JOURNAL. 141 •1804] 5. Walked, with my mind in peace. In the after- noon I was employed in making calls; &c. By much con- verse with men, even on religious subjects, my thoughts are not refreshed from heaven. Last night in prayer, in recollection of my unprofitableness and waste of time, I found my soul drawn out in strong desires to live a life of entire devotedness and prayer ; yet here is another day spent in like manner, nothing done, and my thoughts scattered. How I long to bury myself in the country. 6. Had my heart considerably affected in pVayer this morning, and wrote a sermon with some diligence, as in the sense of divine presence. At noon found peace in my soul from I John iii. and iv. and in walking, though hu- man feelings often intruded. After dinner, drew nigh the Lord in prayer, and wrote part of a sermon. The sudden appearance of evil thoughts made me very unhappy, but I found refuge in God. O may the Lord receive my wandering heart, though it is continually backsliding from him, and make me to find in himself, the source and centre of beauty, a sweet and satisfied delight. O what snblime, what rapturous views of God and divine things might I enjoy with a little more watchfulness. For a moment my mind seems about to be filled, and all its faculties absorbed, but the spirit passes on and I am lost in dulness. 7. Extremely dull and cold in prayer, through wandering of thought before, and interruption in it, as also very principally for want of scripture reading and meditation. Yet through humiliation on account of it, I passed the rest of the morning in the sense of God’s presjence, and with tolerable diligence. After supper, preparing for my departure. Read Acts xx. O that I may be, as I desire to be, dead to the world, and have my thoughts taken up with Christ and his service. How repeatedly has this blessed chapter made me feel the vanity of the world. 8. (Sunday.) Rose at an early hour, but had little power in prayer. I was watchful against wandering. 142 JOURNAL. # but ray heart was not engaged. Rode horae from Lol- worth in a great storm of rain. I had grand views of God, and fdt no doubt but that I should be receive^, were I to be taken from this world ; but I felt that my only hope was in Christ, for not one thought, word, or work of mine, was without sin. In the evening service, I enjoyed great delight in God at times, and a desire to be his. The most satisfying feeling at those times is the worthiness of God and Christ. 9. Set out on my journey in greater recollection of mind thah ever heretofore ; on thfe road the contempla- tion of myself shewed me the workings of vanity. Called on Mr. Grant, who told me that in case M — ^ — should accept the Missionary Church, there was no immediate opening for me, but he had little doubt there would be a chaplainship vacant before the close of the next spring season. The dejection in which Mr. Grant’s answer left me, drew me nearer to God in prayer. My determination to go out, with God’s direc- tion, did not seem at all shaken by the difficulties I foresaw. July 10. Breakfasted with S — , whose account of his approaching marriage with a' lady of uncommon excellence, rather excited in me a desire after a similar state — but I strove against it. Dined with Mr. Wilberforce at Palace Yard. It was very agreeable, as there was no one else. Speaking of the slave trade, I mentioned the words, “ Shall I not visit for these things,” and found my heart so affected that I could with difficulty refrain from tears. Went with Mr. W. to the House of Commons, where 1 was surprised and charmed with Mr. Pitt’s eloquence. Ah, thought I, if these powers of oratory were now employed in recommending the Gospel — but as it is, he talks with great seriousness and energy about that which is of no consequence at all. At night met- with — , who had just received a Lieutenant’s commission in the navy ; he was in company with some other officers, and used the name of God in profane swearing. As he was relating JOURNAL. 143 an account I could not interrupt him to make my ’ remarks, and I gave him no reprimand, except slightly towards the last, in consequence of which, at night, , I found my conscience exceedingly grieved, and saw myself vile, as one who had denied Christ before men. 1 1 . L6ft London for Bath. I was on the top of the coach, and the wind blew exceedingly cold, so that for the first fifty miles, I was in great pain from the cold. I was unable to turn away my mind from the complaints of the body, but continued peevish and discontented, except at one or two intervals, when I forced my thoughts away. Alas ! these are the very occasions, when I should exercise myself„ in living by faith. I was then most dreadfully assailed by evil thoughts, but at the very height, prayer availed, and I was delivered, and during the rest oY 1 he journey, enjoyed great peace, and a strong desire to live for Christ alone, forsaking the pleasures of the world, marriage, &c. There were on the coach, a purser of a man-of-war, and a gentle- man’s servant, to whom I found an opportunity of reading Luke xi. 12 — 19. Had no opportunity of getting at my journal-book. On the morning of the 12th left Bath for Exeter, and on 13th arrived at Plymouth. Conti- nued 14th and 15th with my dear cousin T. H. On the 16th reached Truro, and went immediately to Lamorran. 18th walked to Truro, found some oppor- tunity of speaking to a poor young woman, who had given up a profession of religion. 19th sat in a wood for two hours, thinking on Isaiah Iv. 1 — 3. on which I meant to preach. In the house afterwards, and in prayer, in which I engaged with a great conviction of my having back-slidden, I found my soul filled with se- riousness and solemnity before God. 20. I found myself unable to introduce any con- versation, as my heart was not close to God, nor touched with love to God., Walked to Lamorran, and at times had enjoyment of divine things. 2 1 . Had a very interesting conversation with my 144 JOURNAL. [1804 dear — on the New Testament history and our Lord, during which I had an opportunity of telling her the most important things of the Gospel. In my walk to Truro was tempted to great pride, but my uneasiness under every access of glory to myself, makes me earnest in general, to give it to the Lord, to whctoi alone it belongs. 22. Rose late, but in prayer after breakfast, the Spirit seemed to breathe on my soul. I continued in prayer a good while, and my heart was enlarged. Went to Truro church, where my own vain heart wandered. In the afternoon walked to Kenwyn, with — , who I rejoice to find has not forgot the religious impressions of his youth. I preached there on I Tim. i. 15. to a congregation not large, but consisting of my acquaint- ance almost entirely, people who are in the habit of hearing truth. I heard the commendations of several, during the course of the evening, which gave me some uneasiness, by fanning the flame of vanity. Visited some sick people after tea, with one of whom my soul was mxich drawn out in prayer. But no outward duties leave me in a humble spiritual state of themselves, often on the contrary they flurry me, and fill my heart with pride. 23. At night walked through the woods to — , in a sober and placid frame. Supped with the family and slept there. How wretched to be in a house where there is a general disregard to religion. Though I am unworthy, through my carnal-mindedness, to be of the household of faith, and to be a fellow-citizen with the saints, yet it would be perfect misery to me to live with such people as I meet with, ignorant of God, and lovers of the world. 24. Breakfasted at Lamorran, and retired for two or three hours, to write a sermon for next Sunday. S — walked a little way with me towards Truro. I told her gently of her not adorning the doctrine of God, by a cheerful and contented temper. She was in tears at the thought of her inward corruption as she said. I JOURNAL. 145 *1804] went on my way fearful I had not been tender enough in my behaviour or my thoughts. Dined at — -’s. Conversation as usual utterly insipid. That something might be said, I conformed too much in levity to the rest. I find it far more difficult to preserve a devout and serious frame amongst my friends here, among whom I have always hitherto appeared a gay young man, than in Cambridge. I fear there is a very great deal of dissimulation in my profession. 25. After dinner there was a meeting between — and — . — behaved in a most furious unreasonable manner, which so affected me, that though 1 looked up continually for-help, I could scarcely speak. 28. Rode to St. Hilary, with my mind all the way- thinking on nothing, thus giving the. tempter an occa- sion against me. 29. (Sunday.) Read and prayed in the morning before service with seriousness, striving against those thoughts which oppressed me all the rest of the day. At St. Hilary church in the morning, my thoughts wandered from the service, and I suffered the keenest disappointment. Miss L — G — did not come. Yet in great pain, I blessed God for having kept her away, as she might have been a snare to me. These things would be almost incredible to another, and almost to myself, were I not taught by daily experience, that whatever the world may say, or I may think of myself, I am a poor, wretched, sinful, contemptible worm. Called after tea on Miss L — G — , and walked with her and — , conversing on spiritual subjects. All the rest of the evening and at night I could not keep her out' of my mind. I felt too plainly that I loved her passionately. The direct opposition of this, to my devotedness to God in the missionary way, excited no small tumult in my mind. In conversation, having no divine sweetness or peace, my cheerfulness was affected, and consequently very hurtful to my conscience. At night I continued an hour and a half in prayer, striving against this attachment. I endeavoured to analyze it, 146 JOURNAL. [1804' that I might see how base, and mean, and worthless such a love to a speck of earth, was, compared with divine love. Then I read the most solemn parts of Scripture, to realize to myself death and eternity, and these attempts were sometimes blest. One while I was about to triumph, but in a moment my heart had wan- dered to the beloved idol! I went to bed in great pain, yet still rather superior to the enemy ; but in dreams her image returned, and I awoke in the night, with my mind full of her. No one can say how deeply this unhappy affection has fixed itself ; since it has nothing selfish in it that I can perceive, but is founded on the highest admiration of her piety and manners. 30. Rose in great peace. God, by secret influence, seemed to have caused the tempest of self-will to sub- side. Rode away from St. Hilary to Gwennap in peace of mind, and bneditated most of the way on Rom. viii. I again devoted myself to the Lord, and with more of my will than last night. I was much disposed to think of subjects entirely placed beyond the world, and had strong desires, though with heavy opposition from my corrupt nature, after that entire deadness to this world, which David Brainerd manifested. At night I found myself to have backslidden a long way from the life of godliness, to have declined very much since my coming into Cornwall, but especially since I went to St. Hilary. Sat up late, and read the last chapter and other parts of Revelations, and was deeply affected. Prayed with more success than lately. 31. Read and prayed this morning with increasing victory over my self-will. The 7th of Romans was parti- cularly suitable ; it was agreeable to me to speak to God of my own corruption and helplessness. Walked in the afternoon to Redruth, after having prayed over the Epistle to Ephesians with much seriousness. On the road I was enabled to triumph at last, and found my heart as pleased with the prospect of a single life in missionary , labours as ever. What is the exceeding greatness of his power to usward who believe 1 LETTER. 147 * 1804 ] August 3. Wrote part of a sermon, and was very much affected with considering the holy life of our Lord on earth, and in my walk out, found my soul breathing after a conformity to him. 5. Walked in great peace to St. Michael’s, and preached there on John iv. 10. My two sisters heard me for the first time. As I walked afterwards with — to Lamorran, I found she had been deeply affected, and by the rest of her conversation I received great satis- faction. Preached at Lamorran, on the parable of the lost sheep. There was the greatest attention. In the evening I walked by the water-side till late, having my heart full of praise, at first, to God, for having given me such hopes of — . I laboured greatly with an empty unsettled mind, but latterly my spirit rose again to heaven, and enjoyed great deadness to the world, and clear views of the work which lay before me in this world, and of my passage into eternity. 6. In conversation at night, having occasion to mention to one another, the acts of great wickedness we had heard of, such as murder, &c., my soul was filled with the most awful thoughts. I felt deep concern for my poor fellow-mortals, and fear of God’s judg- ments, but could not conceive that I could be capable of murder. My utter unprofitableness and daily waste of time came home to my conscence, and I lay down with strong desires after a life of more devotedness and diligence. Lamorran, August 6, L804. My dear Sargent, ' * . * * * * How can I sufficierttly adore the singular benefits of God to my family ; we are now brothers and sisters for eternity. How cheerfully can I noW go forth to pro- claim the glories of him who hath done so much for us. * * * # * Respecting your approaching union with that excel- lent lady, I have nothing to add at present, but that you 148 JOURNAL. [I 8 O 4 ’ have my prayers, both of you ; and particularly does it seem to me a necessary petition that you may not in your mutual affection forget the Saviour, May he him- self show us the vanity of the enjoyments of this world ; and instead of pleasing ourselves with the prospect of a happy continuance in it, let us contemplate with greater satisfaction the moment of our departure from it. * # # # 7. Continued seven hours in the wood this mor- ning. In prayer my soul was convinced of its trifling unconcern about souls, and was stirred up to pray for a serious earnestness, which the Lord imparted to me in some measure. I wrote with my mind solemnized. In the evening read Jon. Edwards on ‘ Original Sin,’ one mark was a want of love to God ; how deeply do I bear this mark engraved in my nature. In prayer at night I was made to feel a little more love to the bles- sed God. 8 . Walked from Tressilian to Lamorran, with my mind unsettled at first, but in complaining of the dead- ness of my heart, and asking to be shown something for which my love to God might be kindled, my heart was raised, doubtless by the Spirit, to great admiration and love to God, without having in view any of his par- ticular benefits, and the prominent feature of this affec- tion in my mind at the time, was an unwillingness so much as to think any thing that might offend him. At Mr. B — ’s, met Capt. — his lady and suite ; he was sailing one Sunday, a few weeks before, when by his climbing to the mast-head, the boat upset arid went down in an instant ; he was supported by his clothes, but was taken up for dead. I* asked him whether he did not receive it as an awful warning not ‘ to take his pleasure on God’s holy day ; ’ he took the Lord’s name in vain immediately, but he went without my having an opportunity to tell him of it. At night my illness gave me near views of death, but I was enabled to draw near to God in faith, to be saved as a poor sinner. JOURNAL. 149 •1804] 10. Breakfasted with — , he presently entered into the highest points of the Calvinistic scheme ; his views appeared to me unscriptural, but I wanted to leave these things for others more practical, for my heart was much frozen by the conversation ; he had but a slight opinion of missionary work, and on the whole, his behaviour depressed my spirits a little, though he has, I know, great affection for me. Walked in pain and weakness to Truro, with my mind scarcely reaching beyond the body. My illness made me doubt if I was designed for foreign service, but when this doubt began to disquiet my mind, I was refreshed by considering that the Lord would make me clearly understand his will if I left it to him. In the evening read Jon. Edwards. 11. Was very ill and weak all day, better at night, and had much enjoyment of God. 12. Went by water to Philleigh, where I preached; dined with Mr. B — ; finding no opportunity of talking on religious subjects, I conformed to their worldly man- ner and > conversation so much, that in the afternoon going to church, I found my conscience dreadfully grieved, and did not recover from an unbelieving sense of guilt till I went away from them ; but I confessed my iniquity to the Lord, and found returning peace. On the water, and in the wood, as I returned, my heart was humbled and tender. During the whole time of being at Philleigh, I had no attack of those pains, which would have prevented me entirely from preaching. This I considered as a remarkable answer to prayer. 13. Walked to Truro, and found my wandering heart rested on the way by reading the word. 14. Read ‘ Edwards on Original Sin.’ Dined at — ’s. The conversation was insipid in a very great degree. No doubt I might have introduced better sub- jects very easily, were m/ own heart in a properly spiri- tual state. Mr. — walked with me to Mopus, and heard from me as much as I could say with propriety. 16. Read Edwards ; rode to Truro with C — , unable 150 JOURNAL. [1804 ' to bring him to any useful conversation. Dined at — s, who used every argument to dissuade me from going to India, some not without weight, expressing withal great regard for me. In the evening called on the two — ’s, sent I think by their Lord to them, for they were in great want and dejection that none visited them. • 17. Rode to Lanivet with great deadness, except when I read the word of God. O how I blessed that precious book, for quickening me to conformity to saints and holy angels, although of a better world. After tea, with — , to the ruins of St. Bennels. I could wish to have been alone, but on our return, we rested with difficulty on the subject of religion. I found to my surprise and grief, his mind tinctured with infidelity. I was enabled to answer his arguments clearly, from Butler and Jon. Edwards. 18. Morning passed in reading Homer and Mathe- matics with — , for I could get him to speak on no other subjects. In our walk we touched again on the subject of religion ; it was my chief endeavour to point out the necessity of prayer for illumination, even if he believed in natural religion only ; also of a determina- tion of acting up to the light he should receive, and conforming his life to the gospel. Also of enquiring with the humility of a creature. The old — made me a present of Thomas-a-Kempis de Imitatione Christi, and seemed much affected at parting with me. 1$. Though I lay down in a temper of poverty of spirit, my first thoughts, seized by the concerns of time and sense, led me to a proud and discontented temper ; but prayer brought me to a better spirit. Rode to Bt. Michael’s, and preached there on Dan. v. 23, 24. to a small congregation ; walked back with — . Our con- versation was somewhat on the vanity of the world. My heart afterwards was a little ruffled by the expectation of the great concourse of pebple to hear me, but my tranquillity was restored by prayer ; yet I cannot pre- serve for any tiine, a sense of inward communion with God. The church at Kenwyn was quite full, many * 1804 ] JOURNAL. 151 outside, and many obliged to go away. 'At first be- ginning the service, I felt very uneasy from the number of people gazing, but my peace .soon returned, and I prayed and delivered my sermon with composure and earnestness, on 2 Cor. v. 20, 21. Walked with — , and tried, I am afraid to no purpose, to turn his waver- ing mind to religion. Felt chagrined in the evening at not hearing my sermon praised. Wretched creature, full of sin and ignorance ; the less reason I have to be proud, the more eagerly do I court applause. O the blessedness of living unknown. But my soul is en- couraged, that I feel the want of heavenly abstraction from sin and the world, and the certainty that I may receive it from above. Read Thomas k Kempis in the evening. 22. Walked to St. Hilary, with my mind agreeably employed all the way, in learning the Epistle to the Ephesians by heart. 23. Walked to the sea-side, and found a large cave singularly fitted for meditation; I prayed with some sense of the awful presence of God, for the assistance of the Spirit, in writing on Rev. xxii. 17. 24. Abridged. ‘Jon. Edwards on Original Sin.’ Walked out, and my mind was kept much from wander- ing. In tlie evening read Thomas a Kempis with much profit in my room. 25. Read the Pilgrim’s Progress this morning to — . Walked out, and had at times my heart exalted to God, but my affections were only transient. After much ex- ertion, I got an insight into the meaning of Rev. xxii. 17. and walked up and down with my soul very solemnly impressed, and my ideas flowing naturally. Read k Kempis in the evening. 26. Rose early, and walked out, invited by the beauty of the morning. Many different pleasing thoughts crowded on my mind, as I viewed the sea and rocks — mount and bay, and thought of the person who lived near it ; but for want of checking my natural spirits, and fixing on one subject of thought, I was not much 152 JOURNAL. [1804 benefitted by ray raeditations. Walked in the evening with Mr. G — , and Lydia, up the hill, with the ‘ most beautiful prospect of. the sea, &c. but I was unhappy from feeling the attachment to Lydia, for I was un- willing to leave her. 27. Walked to Marazion, with my heart more de- livered from its idolatry, and enabled to look steadily and peacefully to God. Reading in the afternoon to Lydia alone, from Dr. Watts, there happened to be among other things a prayer on entire preference of God to the creature. Now, thought I, here am I in the pre- sence of God, and my idol. So I used the prayer for myself, and addressed it to God, who answered it, I think, for my love was kindled to God and divine things, and I felt cheerfully resigned to the will of God, to forego the earthly joy, which I had just been desi- ring with my whole heart. I continued conversing with her, generally with my heart in heaven, but every now and then resting on her. Parted with Lydia, perhaps for ever in this life, with a sort of uncertain pain, which I knew would increase to greater violence afterwards, on reflection. Walked to St. Hilary, determining in great tumult and inward pain, to be the servant of God. All the rest of the evening, in company, or alone, I could think of nothing but her excellences. My efforts were however, through mercy, not in vain, to feel the vanity of this attachment to the creature. Read in Thomas a Kempis many chapters, directly to the purpose ; the shortness of time, the awfulness of death, and its con- sequences, rather settled my mind to prayer. I devoted myself unreservedly to the service of the Lord, to him, as to one who knew the great conflict within, and ray firm resolve through his grace of being his, though it should be with much tribulation. 28. Rose with a heavy heart, and took leave of St. Hilary, where all the happier hours of my early life, were passed. — and — , accompanied me in the chaise a few miles, but the moment they left me, I walked on dwelling at large on the excellence of Lydia. I had a * 1804 ] JOURNAL. 153 few faint struggles to forget her, and delight in God, but they were ineffectual. Among the many motives, to the subjection of self-will, I found the thought of the entire unworthiness of a soul escaped from hell, to choose its own will before God’s, most bring my soul to a right frame. So that while I saw the necessity of re- signing, for the service of God, all those joys, for the loss of which, I could not perceive how any thing in heaven or earth, could be a compensation, I said amen ! 29. I walked to Truro, with my mind almost all the way taken up with Lydia. But once reasoning in this way. If God made me, and wills my happiness, as I do not doubt, then he is providing for my good by separa- ting me from her ; this reasoning convinced my mind. 1 felt very solemnly and sweetly, the excellence of serv- ing God faithfully, of following Christ and his apostles, and meditated with great joy, on the approach of the end of this world. Yet still I enjoyed, every now and then, the thought of walking hereafter with her, in the realms of glory, conversing on the things of God. My mind the rest of the evening was much depressed. I had no desire to live in this world ; scarcely could I say, where I would be, or what I would do, now that my self-will was so strongly counteracted. Thus God waits patiently for my return from my backsliding, which I would do immediately. If he were to offer me the utmost of my wishes, I would say, not so, Lo^ ! “ Not my will, but thine be done.” 30. Passed the morning rather idly, in reading lives of pious women. I felt an indescribable mixture of opposing emotions. At one time, about to ascend with delight to God, who had permitted me to aspire after the same glory, but oftener called down to earth, by my earthly good. Major Sandys calling, continued till din- ner conversing about India. I consented to stay a day with him at Helston, but the thought of being so near Marazion, renewed my pain, especially taken in con- nexion with my going thither on the subject of my de- parture. After dinner walked in the garden for two 154 JOURNAL. [1804' hours, reasoning with my perverse heart, and through God’s mercy not without success. You preach up dead- ness to the world, and yet not an example of it ! Now is the time, my soul, if you cannot feel that it is best to bear the cross, to trust God for it. This will be true faith. If I were put in possession of my idol, I should immediately say and feel, that God alone, was, notwith- standing, the only good, and to Him I should seek imme- diately. Again I weighed the probable temporal con- sequence of having my own will gratified ; the dreadful pain of separation by death, after being united, together with the distress I might bring upon her whom I loved. All these things were of small influence, till I read the Epistle to the Hebrews, by which my mind, made to consider divine things attentively, was much more freed from earthly things. “ Let us come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need,” was very precious and comforting to me. I have found grace to help in this time of need ; I still want a humble spirit to wait upon the Lord, I almost called God to witness, that 1 truly resigned my pleasure to his, as if I wished it to be re- membered. In the evening, had a serious and solemn time in prayer, chieflj^ for the influences of the Spirit, and rose with my thoughts fixed on eternity. I longed for death, and called on the glorious day to hasten, but it was in^ order to be free from the troubles of this world. 31. Passed the morning partly in reading and writing, but chiefly in business. Rode to Rosemundy^ with my mind at first very unhappy, at the necessity of mortifying my self-will, in the same particulars as for some days. In conversing on the subject of India with Major Sandys, I could not help communicating the pain I felt at parting with the person, to whom I was attached ; but by thus dwelling on the subject, my heart was far more distressed than ever. Found my mind more easy and submissive to God at night in prayer. September 1 . Drove to Helston, and enjoyed peace JOURNAL. 155 * 1804] in general. In the evening, Mr. S. the curate of Hel- ston, and I, walked together in the garden. I rejoiced to find him seriously disposed, and endeavoured to ^ve him what I thought scriptural views of the doctrines of the gospel. 2. (Sunday.) Preached at Helston church, and greatly offended some ladies, who said they would not go again to hear such doctrine ; accordingly in the after- noon, the genteel part of the congregation was smaller, but the poor more numerous. Mr. Andrews, a metho- dist, begged me to preach at their chapel, which I refused of course. I retired to my room, and found my heart much enlarged in solemn prayer, and views of eternity. Walked in a peaceful contemplation of the wisdom of God, as being a ground of resignation. When my mind was sufficiently composed into submission, I joined Mr. S. and pressed him closely on leaving off cards, plays, dances, and forsaking the company of the world. He seemed much convinced, and expressed great desire of a more serious devotion of himself to the service of God. Mr. O. who had been a missionary in the West' Indies for twelve years,, called on me after- wards, and gave me much delightful information con- cerning the work. 3. Mr. S. called on me this morning, to let me know, how much he was obliged to me for my conver- sation with him, and that he would not but have seen me on any account. The Lord teach him to save him- self and them that hear him ! I was about to take my leave when — begged to speak a few words, which bipught me to ask him about balls, which I had heard he sometimes attended. He was convinced by the arguments I adduced, and confessed he had been acting wrong, through ignorance and fear of man, and deter- mined to have nothing more to do with them. From these things I saw clearly the hand of providence, con- ducting me to Helston, whither I never dreamt of going till just before. The papers relating to the Mission Church, I read through, and from them and Miyor 156 JOURNAL. [1804 Sandy s’ accounts, felt very strong desires to go forth and preach. Rode to Redruth after dinner, with my mind unsettled, through love of the world, or rather my idoh 4. In prayer this morning, as last night, was taken up with desiring that heavenly abstraction from the world, necessary for writing on Rev. xxii. 17 ; found the utmost difficulty to fix my thoughts on the subject. At night walked to Truro, with my mind generally at peace, and rejoicing in God, devoting myself to him, with an entire resignation of idols, the world, &c. 5. Writing on Revelations xxii. 17, though greatly distracted by business ; passed the evening with S — , and took occasion to beseech h6r to give up herself wholly to God, without which she could, not be safe. Read some chapters of the Acts to her. 6. Finished the Acts with her. She engaged to be regular in the performance of those outward duties which I recommended. Retired fora while to my Bethel, and after writing a few pages, took my leave of it with solemn and affectionate prayer, that I might preach in the concourse of men in foreign lands those truths which I had received and meditated upon there, and that if I shoffid be spared to revisit it, it might be with great increase of grace in my heart, and after an abun- dant harvest of souls. Much of the rest of the day, till evening, passed in exhorting and comforting my sister, and then I took leave of her, with great distress to us both. 8. Continued our journey to Plymouth Dock, whca« we arrived at three o’clock; my mind in the. morning was empty, for want of prayer, and so ill prepared to exercise a complacent devotedness to God in all that he is about to do with me. 9. Rose late, and unfit for lively worship of God, in consequence of sitting up late last night. 10. Walked with Mr. H — into dock, and was able to meditate with tolerable steadiness on Scripture, yet with lamentuble thoughts of vain conceit continually f JOURNAL. 157 1804] offering themselves. After dinner read ‘ Thoreshy’s Journal,’ and retiring, had a happy season of reading and prayer. After tea walked with F — , and after offering every argument to induce him to come to God, took my leave of him. I learnt from — that my attachment to her sister was not altogether unretumed, and the discovery gave me both pleasure and pain, but at night alone, I resigned myself entirely to the will of God. 1 1 . Took my leave of this family, who have truly God with them in their house, and went to Exeter. My thoughts were almost wholly occupied with Lydia, though not in a spirit of departure from God, for I con- sidered myself as in his hands, and reposed with confi- dence and peace on his unerring wisdom. Found some opportunities of speaking to — a young attorney, who knew the necessity of a change, but could not begin. While the coach stopped to change horses, we went into a garden, and sat by some water on the grass slopes. I read and explained the 23rd Psalm, to which he lis- tened. One of the passengers was a Unitarian, and with him in a long walk we had before the coach, I had a conversation, till, having nothing to say in his defence, he declined the subject. Alas ! it is the love of sin in all carnal men that is at the bottom. Filled with awful thoughts of God’s power and sovereignty, and felt the dreadful impiety of being dissatisfied with his will. London. 1 4 . Called on Mr. G — , and went away much dispirited, chiefly about — ; for my own concerns I could repose on the infinite wisdom of God, who would make my way clear. The same consideration settled my mind also on — s account. Called on G — , and was thus again reminded of one too deeply in my heart. I then went to St. Paul’s, to see Sir W. Jones's monument : the sight of the interior of the dome filled my soul with inexpressible ideas of the grandeur of God, and the glory of heaven, much the same as I had at the ‘sight of a painted vaulted roof in the British Museum. I could scarcely believe that I might be in the immediate enjoy- 158 JOURNAL. [1804 merit of such glory in another hour. In the evening the sound of sacred music, with the sight of a rural landscape, imparted some indescribable emotions after the glory of God, by diligence in his work. To preach the gospel for the salvation of my poor fello>y-creatures, that they might obtain the salvation which is in Christ Jesus with eternal glory, seemed a very sweet and precious employ- ment. Lydia then again seemed a small hindrance. 15. Left London for Cambridge, with my mind most of the way disturbed. I took no pains to say anything for the good of the people, though I might certainly have done it. 16. (Sunday.) Set out for Stapleford with gre&t desire, that not a moment might pass without having my thoughts in actual exercise about something impro- ving. Yet it was but a poor day, for want of read- ing, prayer, and watchfulness. My mind was not dili- gent, either on the road or at church. Preached on John hi. 2. Rode home, and having little time for prayer, went to Trinity church with my desires indeed after God, and deadness to the world, but unfixed, unsettled on divine meditations. Preached on 2 Cor. v. 20, 21, with no comfort, because I appeared to offer to God what cost me nothing. May God apply the word, but not for my sake; I must truly say I am an unprofitable servant ; but through mercy God does not forsake me, but is quick- ening me to greater devotedness and diligence. 'O may his grace enable me to fight manfully, and to labour while it is day, while I am in this world. My r68t remaineth for the next. 17. Another unprofitable day. My heart was lan- guid in God’s w’ork, and wandering in pursuit of bay earthly idol. Yet by meditating on Ephes. ii. 16, tny soul was more disposed to cleave to God, as the chief good. I stayed so long over a difficult Latin passage, that it was too late to see any body more, so I went home and prayed with some earnestness, that I might redeem the 1804] JOURNAL. 159 time. I was particularly affected with this thought^ ‘ Are there so many people, old and young, dying all around me, and am I considering how I may enjoy myself in life,’ ? The rest of the evening read, and looked out the parallel passages in the 3rd of Ephesians. O may the sins and negligences of this day be forgiven, and the next be passed with greater zeal, diligence, and heavenly-mindedness. 18. My prayer of yesterday was heard, for this day has been better spent. . Rose before six, and prayed in heaviness for God’s assistance in preparing for public ministrations. Learnt some Scripture by heart ; con- sidered some passages for the evening. After dinner I had two hours in my room of prayer and meditation on latter part of Ephes. iii. ; then went to a society, where I found considerable ease on a diffi- cult subject, and thus the Lord rewards the least dili- gence : let it encourage me to greater exertions. Ex- pounded to my bed-maker, at night, as usual, but all the day I have had an inward conflict between God and the world. My dear Lydia and my duty call me diffe- rent ways, yet God hath not forsaken me, but strength- ened me, though I determined to do his will, and if I could not find joy in him, not to seek it in any thing else. 19. Having no society to attend this day, I was not so watchful over my heart ; such is my corruption ! hypocrisy even in my spiritual desires ! Read Jon. Edwjards before breakfast, but lost a great deal of time, then, and after breakfast, by thinking on L — G — . Tl^ese thoughts may be very pleasing for the time, but they leave behind them tenfold pain. Attempted to write on Isaiah Iv. 1 — 3, but with little progress, my mind was so distracted. After church called on , who, after professing for twenty- five years, had now in illness begun to fear, not without reason, that she had never known the grace of God in truth. After many vain, evil, distrustful thoughts, my mind settled in prayer to God, and asked 160 JOURNAL. [1804* ireely for all ministerial gifts and graces, and begged of hittt to fulfil all the good pleasure of his will respecting me, riot to allow me to follow the dictates of my heart, for what I would not that do L It' is therefore no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. 20. With my mind greatly dissatisfied, I prayed over 1 John iv. and found my heart much relieved. In my walk I indulged in the pleasing retrospection of the mornings I had passed with Lydia, and at last ceased from them without repining, as I saw sufficient in God’s wisdom and love, to impart perfect satisfaction with all that he should order. I was for the rest of the time generally in peace, sometimes rejoicing. Visited — , the conversation very trifling, but I abstained from that levity to which I was tending, because it would be inconsistent with the solemnity of the subject this evening. At church my soul was much affected with the views of eternity. I preached on Rev. vii. 22, and afterwards walked with — , whom I encouraged to con- tinue in the grace of the gospel. Drew near to God afterwards in prayer. • 21. Rose and prayed under the overwhelming influ- ence of corruption. I felt an obstinate dislike to all the service of God, and an unhappy discontent at his righ- teous will. Yet I determined to persevere in striving to live independently of created comforts, small and great. Was somewhat relieved after breakfast, and' wrote sermon with freedom. At the hour of walking out, every thing tended to recal gloom, yet I summoned up my spirits, and considered it as an exercise of faith. I once was beginning to console myself, that I should leave this dreary scene of college, which appears indeed a wilderness, after the company of my dear friends in Cornwall and Devonshire. But I checked the thought, as being full of earthliness, discontent, and folly, for I ought to be happy wherever God has placed me ; and I am sure enough that the exchange I shall make of coL lege, for a stormy ocean and burning plain, will not be very pleasing to the flesh. Meditated during walk, ori JOURNAL. 161 •1804] a subject for the evening. After dinner walked a little with inquiring about the voyage he had made to China ; then called in Wall’s Lane., In my rooms continued three hours, reading for the class, learning Scripture by heart, and praying. Afterwards read a little of Pearson, French Translation of Soame Jenyns, and Thomas-a-Kempis. Some of Fortescue’s poems set me into a pensive meditation on the happy mornings I had passed near Killa * * but afterwards it sub- sided into a more profitable one on the vanity of the world ; “ they marry and are given in marriage,” and at the end of a few years, what are they more than myself? looking forward to the same dissolution, and expecting their real happiness in another life. ‘ ‘ The fashion of this world passeth away,” Amen. Let me do the will of God while I am in it. 22. Wrote freely this morning, and in my walk out was tolerably peaceful ; when my time is well employed, the things of this world have less power to charm. At chapel my soul ascended to God, and the sight of the picture at the altar, of John the Baptist preaching in the wilderness, animated me exceedingly to devotedness to the life to a missionary ; passed most of the evening in reading the account of the missionaries in India. 23. (Sunday.) This morning I had power to check my thoughts from wandering over the earth, and looked up to Christ for entire devotedness to him. Prayed for all my dear brethren in the ministry, and particularly the per- son who had warned me of my not preaching Christ. I preached at Lolworth from 2 Cor. v. 20, 21,1 thought with such clearness that all must have understood; but a \^oman with whom I have conversed more than once, discovered by her conversation, that she knew no more of Christ, than if she had never heard of him. “ Not by power, nor by might, but by my Spirit,” is often my refuge. I see that I can only sound the horns round the walls of Jericho; but oh, does not perhaps God withhold his Spirit from this benighted place, because I do not plead for them in earnest, nor bear them upon M 162 JOURNAL. [1804' my heart often enough before Him ? I must live much nearer to the Lord. I am satisfied with going on without anxiety for nearness to God, whereas • in* the midst of my troubles, I find not a moment’s peace, save in his presence. Oh, how does it show the corruption of my heart, that severe aftiictions are necessary to keep me from ruin. Read David Brainerd to day, and yes- terday, and find as usual, my spirit greatly benefitted by it. I long to be like him ; let me forget the world, and be swallowed up in a desire to glorify God. I am now alone with God. Awful thought ! what is there in the creature to be compared to thee ? Lord, remove the veil from my heart, that I may not be so powerfully driven away in contradiction to rny reason. Let me cheerfully repose in the wisdom of God, and think of nothing now, but how I may walk agreeably to my Father’s will. But what conflicts has * * caused in my mind. At night prayed earnestly for an increase of grace for usefulness in the ministry, and felt a great desire to deny myself, and to be diligent for the cause of the gospel. 24. Rose with my mind heavenward, after some thoughts of God in the night, but in prayer was short and superficial. Read ’s account, and wrote to — , which took up all the morning ; afterwards burnt the letter, as it contained unwarrantable charges, and betrayed a passionate spirit. Read and prayed with my bed-maker ; read a good deal of Thomas-a-Kempis, and with the lyth Psalm closed the reading of the day. But no good has been done without. By reading a-Kempis, I am brought to ask, what keeps me from such close communion with God, but sin and sloth. Do I not know I might enjoy the same deadness to the world, and spirituality of mind, were I resolutely to pursue the path of watchfulness, fasting, and prayer ? 25. Rose rather in djirkness, but was enlivened by })rayer. Called on — , and exhorted her, now she was raised to life again, to walk worthy of the gospel. As I •1804] JOURNAL. 163 went along the street, my heart rose above earthly things to God. Afterwards in my room was rather peevish. At seven went to a class, and expounded Luke ix. The rest of the evening chiefly taken up with the account of which I finished. I feel the utmost encouragement, and even desire to go and preach to the Hindoos. My talents seem to me to be peculiarly suited to them. Yet I have need to learn much subjugation of spirit, to be willing to wait on these poor people, and to abide the Lord’s time for their conversion. 26. Rose before six, and walked to Shelford, with my mind in tolerable peace, committing Scripture to memory ; I found it continually necessary to pray for the good of men, and particularly the persons I am this day to meet. As I arrived early, I employed myself immedi- ately, that no time might be lost, for the redemption of time is absolutely necessary to my tranquillity. I walked home to Cambridge alone at night, with my mind disposed to enjoy heavenly things, but for want of exertion to fix it, the time was rather wasted. 27. Walked to Shelford ; somewhat ruffled at a trifle, and my mind getting further and further from God. Rut thougli my spirit at the time was so hateful, I returned to him in defiance of my corruption, and prayed for deliverance, which I received. At morning prayer, Mr. E officiated, Mr. H opened the conference, and Mr. M concluded it in a prayer. I was enabled to be tolerably watchful, so as not to lose sight of the eternal world. In the evening walked to Cambridge with — . My conversation was very pro- fitable to me. At Trinity church, preached on Phil. iv. 7* Afterwards, during the interval between supper and bed-time, was looking over the Bengalee grammar. 28. Walked out just before dinner, with the melan- choly retrospect of a morning all lost through wandering thoughts. But I was taught by former experience, not to depart from God, but to come nearer to him, w'hich he mercifully permitted me to do ; 1 calmly considered 164 JOURNAL. [1804» how loudly and earnestly all things around me are call- ing me to redeem the time. Almost despaired of ever writing or speaking with that deep seriousness which characterizes Mr. M. Yet by looking up to God, 1 somewhat composed my mind into a solemn frame. At prayer, after dinner, my soul was seriously affected, and 1 went to my work of visiting Wall’s Lane, with a heart strengthened against my vanities ; returned and finished the Bengalee grammar, which I hud begun yesterday, and construed a little. I am anxious to get Carey’s Bengalee New Testament. After tea, reading a version of Psalm cxxxix. I felt the presence of God as very r»«ar me, and addressed him with the deep impression on my soul. Oh that I could live in such a frame ; let me set the Lord always before me. What is religion without the reality of divine communion, and how shall I he easy on my death-bed without being more clearly satisfied of my having partaken of it, than 1 am at present God seems near to me, hut speaks not, hut it is because 1 do not ask him to speak ; 1 content myself with telling him my wants, hut cun hear to he unanswered, and to he without the joy of the Holy Ghost. Read some chapters in Numbers, and wrote part of a sermon till late. 29. Watched over my thoughts more steadily this day, and found the benefit, as I delighted more in God. Many argued at — in favour of the lawfulness of amuse- ments on the Lord’s day, as it was not a day enjoined in scripture, to he observed; I could not prove decidedly that they were unlawful, hut my heart was grieved at the open profanene.ss and vain reasonings, which will in- crease into more ungodliness. In prayer afterwards, I felt much affected at rcmemhering»them. • 30. My mind this morning was in a frame of easily ascending to God in peaceful solemnity ; hut by the merest carelessness and self-confidence, I let my thoughts run upon the world, and the flesh, till my conscience was wounded. In prayer I was serious and earnest. I rode home from Lolworth, with my unbelieving sus- JOURNAL. 165 ^804] picious heart uneasy about there being no appointment for me to India, without which, as Mr. Simeon said, to go, would be to run before the pillar and the cloud. I felt a dislike to staying longer in Cambridge than till the spring. At intervals I recovered, and reposed on the wisdom of God, and sometimes through the even- ing, I longed to be alone in my room, to have my heart opened in ])rayer. October 1 . The pride of my heart was made manifest to me this morning in prayer, but it was a time of spiritual strengthening to me. Read at the hospital, and called on — , &c. My own heart was not the bet- ter for these ministrations, but rather putfed up with pride and arrogance. But in prayer I found myself restored to a right frame. Read in the Christian Ob- server. The account of a Brahmin preaching the gospel delighted me most exceedingly. I cmdd not help bless- ing God for thus glorifying himself. 2. My mind was seriously turned towards God, somewhat in a spirit of calm devotion, this morning. Read Thomas a Kempis, and a few hymns, with some sweetness of soul. Wrote sermon. Engaged ail the rest of the morning by Gilchrist’s Hindoostanee dic- tionary. Walked with A — , but from having no prayer, nor reading, nor religious thought, I was very little dis- posed for edifying conversation. The loss of time made me also rather petulant. In my walk afterwards alone, liaving no Bible, I endeavoured to repeat to myself the Epistle to the Ephesians, which brought me nearer to God, and kept me from darkness and peevishness. After dinner, began Halhed’s Bengalee grammar, for I found that the other grammar I had been reading, was only tor the corrupted Hindoostanee. In prayer, I found my soul composed to a blessed and serious view of eternity. Visited the hospital, &c. Read some missionary ac- counts, and felt my heart expanded with love, and gra- titude, and praise, for what God is doing. Oh that it may please my God in his mercy, to send me forth into this vineyard. I could almost say it is my supreme and JOURNAL. 16() [ 180 ^ fervent desire, that God may be glorified, were it not that my slowness to labour in my present post seems to ofter a plain contradiction to this. Oh that the Spirit would kindle a holy zeal within me, and give me victory over the world and the flesh, for it is to spare this that the devil tempts me to neglect the work of God. Oh that my eyes were opened, that I might see the heavens, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God ! 3. Reading Missionary accounts, Bengalee grammar, and at church. Went out, designing to call at all the houses, about having the children catechized ; after- wards, when I ought to have read the scriptures and prayed, I took up the Missionary accounts, and so the opportunity was lost. I went out, groaning heavily at my careless walk with God. I pray that he take not his Holy Spirit from me. Staid at the hospital in the afternoon, endeavouring to lead the different patients to the knowledge of the way of salvation ; afterwards called upon — , and used every possible illustration and argument, to convince them of sin, and lead them to Christ, but all in vain ; I then prayed with them ; in the evening wrote part of my sermon ; 1 was much pained and humbled at reflecting, that it has never yet to my knowledge pleased God to aw'akcn one soul by my means, either in public or private, — shame be to myself. Now', what is thei'e wrong in my spirit ? When I ask the question, my conscience may immediately reply. What is there w'hich is not wretchedly proud and lukewarm ; but I desire nothing pleasing or honourable to myself. God forbid ! but oh let me be found doing my duty ! * 4. My mind rather unfitted for the worship of God this morning by w'andering thoughts ; yet, by prayer, God in mercy “ restored my soul, and led me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.” B break- fasted with me, and staid late ; finished a letter, and then the morning w'as gone ; walked out, and instead of grieving at my miserable unprofitableness, began to think of iwdia, but almost without a wish to live at JOURNAL. IfiT '1804] home for her. With all my worthlessness, and deadness, and stupidity, I would^not wish to exist unless I hoped to live entirely for God. Dined at — , and in the after- noon walked about, with my mind harassed and hurt by many vanities. Alas, I do not live like a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ, bidding farewell to this world ; yet God helping me, 1 will be a holy man. Read the ser- vice with some humiliation, and desire to be alone to pour out my soul to God. Mr. Simeon preached on “ Christ is all and in all ; ” it was very serious and con- soling to me. If it be a true mark to desire to be de- livered from an evil nature, and to put on the new man, then I trust that I possess that. Was much struck with Mr. Wfird’s letter to a minister ; I scarcely know what time to devote to sermon-writing. I do waste a prodigious part of it in this way. I cannot but think that if I read more of scripture, and prayed more, and was more engaged in active exertion for my parishes, I should have more spirituality and freedom in composition, 5. My mind still galled at the sense of my unpro- fitableness. N. and B. breakfasted with me ; notwith- standing my precaution I had not sufficient recollection to be profitable to them. This was a djiy I had intended for fasting and prayer, of which my soul greatly stands in need, but unforeseen engagements prevented it. All that I see, and read, and think of, in the creature, though it be of a religious nature, is utterly unsatisfying. Then why do I not keep fiearer to God ? how is it that every thing can engage me more easily than he ? 6. Morning passed away in reading Missionary jour- nals, and attempting sermon ; in the afternoon, was etn- ployed in officiating at the hospital, calling on W. and M. With the former I was often brought to recollect I was conversing with a dying man, and that the most serious and affecting solemnity became me. Finished the Missionary accounts, and glad I am, for they have taken up my time so much this week, they have drawn me away from study, reading, and prayer. I desire thank- 108 JOURNAL. [1804 fully to acknowledge that it is the Lord’s mercy, and I trust through the intercession of Christ, that I am not cut down as a cumberer of the ground. 7 . (Sunday.) On my road home from Stapleford, it was the querulous inquiry of my heart, “ Who will shew me any good ? ” I could not but perceive the necessity of entirely disregarding all created delights, and amongst them, the communion of saints, so far as to be able to live happily in the enjoyment of God. But without tasting this enjoyment at the instant, it is very trying to faith, to resign all things else. But as a missionary, how strongly am I called upon to do this. God is indeed, I know and feel, -an all-sufficient portion, but unless he is near, how melancholy is my life likely to be, for how slow is my heart to seek him, how soon tired with spiritual meditation. Found some sweetness at church, but mixed and spoiled at last, by a great deal of vanity. Read some of Thomas a Kempis, and the Olney Hymns. 8. Morning was taken up by sermon, on which I was obliged continually to fix my steady attention, and though I got on very little, yet I was not dissatisfied, as it was not through idleness. S — gave me a letter from Mr, Brown of Calcutta, which gave me great delight on many accounts. Speaking of me, he says, ‘ Let him marry, and come out at once.’ I thought of Lydia with great tenderness ; but without pain at my determination to go out single. Found great affec- tion in prayer for my dear brethren at Calcutta, for the establishing of Christ’s kingdom among the poor Gen- tiles, and for my being sent among them, if it were his wHl. But O that I had zeal to labour more for the benighted people among whom I minister. Well, I trust God will hold up my hands, and help me to be that active holy minister of God, from being which I am yet so far distant. Read some of the Bengalee Gram- mar at night, and learnt some of the beginning, of 2 Corinthians. 9. Greatly distracted in prayer this morning. 1 JOURNAL. 169 ^ 804 ] manifestly wanted to be about something else, and to have done after having satisfied my conscience. But it pleased God to convince me of my wicked- ness, and to teach me to call upon him faithfully. Read to my bed-maker the 1 1 th of Luke ; found my mind solemnized, but what little reason have I ever to be satisfied either with the matter or manner of what I say to her, or to any, on the subject of their souls. Setting to my work of writing a sermon to-night with some zeal, my heart was exceedingly enlivened at looking through time into eternity, and seeing nothing but works of love to be done. “ Sweet is the work ! my God, my King ! ” 1 1 . Received a letter this morning from K — , which melted me into tears of penitence ; I know' not what spirit I was of when I wrote, and now that he has answered so mildly and patiently, I am struck with his vast superiority in Christian attainments. My selfish- ness and uncharitableness made me appear quite loath- some to myself, and I wrote in a spirit of great self- abhorrence. Thinking of his letter and answ'ering it, took up the whole evening. In a short walk met wdth. — w'ho is still gravely trifling along the path of life. I strove to retain that penitential spirit which I was con- scious became me, and which was exceeding conducive to spirituality. Thinking my mind was in need of recreation, I took up Lord Teignmouth’s Life of Sir William Jones, and read till tea. At chprch my heart was softened by the precious hand of mercy. How soon a season of humiliation is at an end, though the occasion remains. I am soon returned to self-complacency. In my walk out, did not use any restraint in my thoughts, as my mind and body were greatly fatigued with sitting up so late ; though happily they did not go far from God. 14. (Sunday.) The morning, dark and lowering, rattier depressed my spirits ; so easily does any outw'ard circumstance affect me, but by faith and prayer I soon 170 JOURNAL. [180/ got beyond present things. Many times to-day, as on other days, I have had great difficulty in endeavouring to maintain, or pray for, the two graces of fervour and humility at the same time. I cannot be happy a moment, without some conviction of my own worth- lessness, and it is for the honour of God that I should be fervent in spirit. Received a letter from — , which filled me with grief and disappointment ; not one word of any kind on the subject of religion. At Lolworth preached on Isaiah Ixiii. 1 . In prayer before and after the sermon, I enjoyed the happy presence of God, in whom I found I could be glad, though Israel was not gathered ; and though the.people, as appeared by the smallness of the congregation, did not appear to like my preaching quite as much as I thought they ought. Calling on several after church, I found whole families had absented them- selves on frivolous excuses ; to one man and his wife I gave a very awful warning, and felt as if I spoke from God ; promised S to come on Wednesday, to read and pray with some people at his house. Now God grant that this may be the means of stirring up some .attention to religion among them ! On my ride home I was beginning to be very much dejected about passing my life in such solitary scenes, and having to do with obsti- nate, ignorant people. But oh, I thought, Christ is very patient in teaching me. My peace returned by this consideration ; I had nothing to do with events ; it was my simple business to do his will ; it is in his power to convert men, and if he does not bjt my ministry, I may still rejoice in him. My happiness and business is pri- vate communion with God ; there diligence will never be disappointed. All the rest of the evening my soul enjoyed much love and joy. Had I been more free from the world, and vanity, and self, it would have been more pure and lasting. The circumstances of public worship, sight of so many pious sOuls, singing with them, &c., animate the religious affections- in a manner ; yet I seldom find them genuine ; I am more frequently ])crsuading myself I am enjoying spiritual JOURNAL. 171 ' 1804] things, than really enjoying them. If at any time, as to- night at church, I can think of God, as one alone with me, I find divine pleasure to be something very ditfe- rent ; that debases self, holds up wise, clear, powerful views of things, and produces serious conduct. Mr. Simeon, in his excellent sermon to-night, observed, that it was more easy for a minister to preach and study five hours, than to pray for his people one half hour ; this I believe, and that it arises from unbelief. So much time passed in prayer, seems thrown away, when we might have bestowed it in reading or visiting. When I ])ray for my people, it is more because I ought to do it, than wish for it. Perhaps it is to stir up my soul to the habit and spirit of prayer and supplication, that God gives me not to see the least fruit, but things rather getting worse. But I have really need first to pray for a heart to pray for them. 15. In writing to this morning, my heart was filled with abhorrence of that Evil Spirit who is endeavouring to deceive her as he does the nations, and I longed to spend and be spent, if I might be the means of demolishing his strong holds. O, when shall the kingdoms of this world become the kingdoms of God and oi‘ his Christ. O that I might be a fellow- worker with Christ. I perceive in some degree, when darkness is a little removed from my own eyes, that the prince of the power of the air now ruleth, but Christ came to destroy him, and restore us to God and happi- ness ; and, my soul ! what hast thou to do with ease, when Christ who came from heaven in such love, is waiting for ministers like-minded ? What hast thou to do with the body, with the things of time and sense ? They are not thy business ; they would be in a measure, wert thou not a minister, but now thou hast nothing to do, but to stand between tbe dead and the living. In my walk out, I could speak only in praise; the 145th I'salm w'as very suitable to my feelings. From dinner till supper I w'as employed in visiting and catechizing the children. After supper read the Bengalee letters, 172 JOURNAL. [1804 ^ and before, Sir W. Jones’s Life. Lost in the course of this time almost all those views of things I had in the morning, and found myself just in *my usual frame ; averse to the duties of the ministry ; but God in his mercy restored them in answer to ejaculatory prayer. Now I approve the things that are excellent, but my faith is weak. I tremble, lest the body shoidd tempt me as it always does, to consult its case. But, Lord, help my unbelief ; help me to launch boldly forth at thy command, into a life of unremitted diligence and zeal, and to believe that as my day is, so shall my strength be. 16. In the course of the morning was plagued with my old temper, at the thought of the evening class- meeting ; but by prayer two or three times, I was restored to a right sense of things. Endeavoured to consider Isaiah xlix, and read the other chapters following, with great delight ; my heart was rather drawn out for the prosperity of Zion, but 1 wanted a poor and contrite spirit. Went to the society and found Mr. Simeon ; during the hymn, and reading of Psalm xxii., in which he pointed out the necessity of praise, I was in a frame of great joy, and in prayer 1 scarcely ever had my heart more full of praise ; 1 could only speak in the language of praise ; yet did my wicked heart pride itself on being in this state. Read Sir W. Jones’s Life in the evening; O, the misery, vanity, and folly of the best of a worldly man’s life ; in all his plans of study, which should embrace every subject of human attention, religion bears no place ; they seem to fancy religion and virtue to be the same thing ; they abstain from a few vices, and .say a few prayers, in the same spirit that a child repeats its lesson to a schoolmaster, fearing his punishment or expecting his reward. Oh, ye philosophers, poets and scholars, whither are ye gone. What avails it that you lived on that human praise you so greatly desired? Let me with wonder adore the mercy of Cod in giving me to see the folly and misery of a life devoted to the most diligent studies. |1804] JOURNAL. 173 May I never again be taken in the snare. How mean does appear in my view, compared with Brainerd. 17. ‘ After dinner walked to Lolworth, thinking on the subject I was to speak on ; went to Smith’s house, where there were about ten people, and as many chil- dren assembled. We sung a hymn, and I then ex- plained the parable of the barren fig-tree. In the midst of the prayer, a man fell down and was carried out, and our meeting ended ; the man *was young and of a dull disposition, and had never a fit of any kind before, and the room was bv no means warm : I did not much like the event, instantly recollecting the Methodist accounts. As the people stood round him, for he sat in a chair in the open air, I took care to say nothing to him about religion, lest I should give countenance to what I fore- see will be said of this. I think I shall apply to my Rector for an evening lecture on Wednesdays. Mr. C — gave me very pertinent advice ; he told me that my preaching would not do at all for this place, and what was more, the language was seldom such as the people coidd understand. This much dejected me all the rest of the evening, because I was told of my faults, and did not like to find I was so little esteemed by my hearei’S ; yet I am liound to bless the Lord for every additional ray of truth that he sends me. Read Sir W. Jones’s Life at night, and was better pleased with his character. 18. O the vanity and unprofitableness of the day in which there is no exercise of heavenly-mindedness ! What signifies every thing that happens outwardly, if I am not familiar with the things which lie between God and my own soul ? At church had a longing desire for the coming of Christ’s kingdom, and asked myself how is it possible I have not striven in prayer for the mani- festation of his glory among all men ? Yet in my room afterwards these desires had subsided, though in reading Scripture my heart was engaged, and I resolved, if nothing prevents, to appropriate some hours to-morrow to special prayer and meditation. 19. Read some of the lives of Anselm, Bernard, &c. 174 JOURNAL. [1 804f this morning, at intervals of leisure. I cannot help ad- miring those holy men who retired to a convent, and lived in the exercise of such elevated devotion ; arid the consideration of it tends to quicken me to spirituality and love of God. From one to five, I was engaged, according to my intention, in prayer and reading, for the first hour 1 was tolerably fixed in prayer, chiefly in humiliation and intercession. For my dear sister, I wrestled with more earnestness than I have yet done for any one, but yet I have reason to be astonished and grieved at the insensibility of my heart. The rest of the time passed in learning the Epistle to the Hebrews, jind praying for the church. My soul enjoyed much seriousness at times, but there was much wandering and coldness upon me. Went to a class, where, in reading the last chapter of Revelations, and in prayer, I was filled with love and joy, so much that I was very un- willing to leave off. 20. The carnal spirit, this morning, was subdued by prayer. In the afternoon, finished Sir W. Jones’s life. My mind was much impressed by some things in it of the grandeur of God, so that when I kneeled in prayer, my soul was filled with veneration. At night, in bed, was greatly disordered, my liead was as restless on the pillow as after long and intense study. 1 thought upon death as perhaps near, without alarm, though with- out pleasure ; with a .sort of melaneholy. 21. (Sunday.) Rose late, and stupid through lying too long in bed ; I could not but abhor myself for the loss of such precious time, when I might have been early interceding for souls, and preparing my own spirit for the service of the day ; the bitter reflection on my unprofitableness much dejected me. Low spirits a.t church, through being about to preach old sermons, which I feel so ashamed of offering to God, that I be- lieve I shall rather leave every thing undone, than not write one new one at least every week. Had an hour to myself before evening church, in which my soul got comfort from prayer and reading hymns. 1 looked up JOURNAL. 175 ^804J to Christ for grace to enable me to live independent of tho.se delightful ordinances, I was about to partake of, and to he ready at his command to be sent out to some dark place to teach one poor creature, and to wander in a dreary desert. In endeavouring to feel how good it was to be thus the servant of my Lord, I found fellow- ship with him ; there was not much joy, but I was fully assured of the reality of the communion. I felt the utmost dread and abhorrence of any sin, while he, my friend and my master, was thus looking upon me. At church, I enjoyed the presence of Christ. * * * * * ■ * 22. Prayed this morning, that I might delight in the prospect of the social worship I was this day to engage in, and of every spiritual duty ; in which I was answered, I think. At four, I catechized the children, and from thence went home and prayed. Loitered and wasted my time after supper. Yet my soul is, I hope, gaining ground in the path of duty. 23. Having no particular ministration, I expected much reading and profit. But very soon my perverse will was contradicted by conscience. I wanted to be at one study, when duty called me to another. Very unwil- lingly left the Bengalee, and Milner’s Church History, for writing sermon. — called, and vexed me very much, by what I thought at the time, great folly ; presently after- wards, my pride and vanity were wounded by little circum- .stances, quite harmless in themselves. Walked out, fretting with what I called the great folly of mankind. In the midst of my misery, I tried to think of Jesus, how he might have scorned the ignorance of men, how his patience might have been wearied out with me. But it was not till I learnt some of Psalm cxix. that I could return to a proper spirit. I then went and assisted F. in Newton. On my return home, being utterly averse to any exertion of mind, which seemed jaded, I fell upon my knees before God, and found my spirit revive a little. ^ Yet I found it necessary to read Bengalee, as requiring less thought. Afterwards, 1 was about to 176 JOURNAL. [1804^ begin the Lord’s work gladly, when a most disagreeable man came and staid an hour and a half. I was ex- ceedingly galled, but spoke seriously of religion to him. I continued afterwards, to a very late hour, thinking and writing on a subject. Thomas a Kempis says, ‘ We ought to praise God, for seasons of darkness,’ but so clearly has my own wicked heart been the cause of this day’s unhappiness, that I have nothing to do, but humble myself. 24. Cidls of different men prevented me from doing any thing, but read Thomas a Kempis and Flores Ber- nard! a little, till two o’clock. 25. Rose early, and passed the time till my pupils came, in writing to my sister. With them I was rather more serious, but my conversation was by no means “ in meekness of wisdom.” Walked out, and tasted at times great joy and peace, in the presence of God; but at last found that humiliation was more suitable to my state, and in this temper I enjoyed much true happiness. Some friends with me in the afternoon, but I was care- less, and so the time passed unprofitably. My spirit groaned in prayer afterwards, at my constant unpro- fitableness, and I went to church reflecting on my worth- lessness and corruption. How unworthy am I to be found among God’s people. 26. It is a trouble with me, every hour of every day, to get my thoughts to God. Scarcely ever is my mind at rising, meekly devout. Commenced my v/ork of writing, in the fear of God, and the humbling sense of my own utter unfruitfulness, but advanced very little. After dinner, I called on two sick persons, with one of whom 1 prayed. At my return to my rooms, took uj) Bengalee. Having occasion to consult Jon. Edwards on Redemption, I was much arrested by the conclusion of it, — O eternity ! how real. My soul trembled lest amid the glory of the last day, I should be found un- worthy of partaking in it, and but for Christ what should I do ? 27. Ro.se early, learnt .some scripture, and walked. JOURNAL. 177 jl804] Wrote a little of sermon before pupils came, with fre- quent interruptions. C. sat with me an hour before dinner, and gave me much encouragement. In my walk met T — , with whom I thought it right not to be press- ing on the subject of religion. After dinner, some friends sat with me till near eight. My heart was occa- sionally full of joy. At night, in prayer, Satan sent one of his fiery darts into my thoughts, by means of the imagination which almost drank up my spirit ; but I cried fervently for deliverance, casting the sin upon the Devil, and my self upon the Lord, and found him come to my peace and composure. 28 . Vide Memoir. 29 . Rose early, lost time in reading Watts, from whom I seldom get a new thought. Abridged some parts of Edwards on Sin. The rest of the morning was taken up by pupils and Major S — . An hour and a half I passed with two sick people, one of whom, a dying man, was awakened to a sense of sin, and the other, a daughter of the Lord Almighty. With the former I was enabled to pray more fervently than the latter. In the midst of confusion, of calls of friends and worldly business, I was beginning to feel some reluctance to visit them ; but very soon my soul found it good to go, as the messen- ger of peace, and minister to tlie departing spirit. In my w'alk had more joy than peace, too little humility and too great elation of spirits, chiefly because I was to (iine at — ’s, with my dear Christian friends. But in- deed it was a most unprofitable meeting for us ; I went away for an hour to catechise the children, but staid two hours afterwards, in order to be with Major S. I blame my dear brethren, but much more myself, for not introducing spiritual things, their minds seemed engaged very much in this business, but mine was free and joyful, and I ought therefore to 'have been forward in such conversation. I tremble for this place, lest the candlestick should be removed. Oh that the spirit of prayer and intercession may be poured out upon me, that all my own lukewarmness, and the sor- N 178 JOUUNAL. [1804^ rows of Zion, inav be removed by a praver-hearing God. 30. Another day has passed, and I am nearer eter- nitv. Ob that I could dwell in eteraltv, amidst the dis- traoting av’ocations (d* time. There seems a certain strangeness in my mind to it, as if I bad thought hut little of another world tliis day. Employed till pupils came, in thinking of sermon and Bengalee grammar ; consented to take another pupil. Walked out rather confused, hut was soon able to think of sermon, with my mind breathing frcclv the tiir of religion ; being enabled to see that the work of the ministry and pre- paring for another world, wen- my whole husiness. Dined at — s with Major S — , my own spirit was light, and the conversation in general un()rofital)le. In n)v rooms afterwards, much in praver, and iiad free meditation on sermon. Read a little of Bengalee, and at night some choruses of .So])hocles, and Lm-retius, in order to examine a pupil. It is astonishing what a snare studi nstding is to me; hut 1 returned to tlu' Bible, not unfitted for enjoving it, as was onc<‘ the case. In reading to — , fell condemned hv tlie words, ihiit “ men should pra\ al\v;i\.'., and not faint.’’ Christ j)rej)ared himself fur the ministry, hv long, and constant, and fervent ))ravers. So should 1 lose le.'.s time In endea- vouring to write, if mv niiml were more spirituali/.ed by ])rnver. 31. My mind was sj)iritual this morning, and my heart towards God. I was scarcelv alone till the time of taking a walk. At church I was guilty (»f great irreverence, from having hiau\ in light conversation just before, and hit the guilt (jf it in prayer afterwanls. at which lime my mind was solenmi/.ed. After dinner, and a short prayer, 1 went forth with .satisfaction and pleasure, to tint work of visiting the sick. I called on and prayed with two, and sat awhile with Jl. In m) rooms afterwards, I toimd mv mind spiritnallv alive to God, tlu)ugh amid much struggling of sinful temper, ut which hateful sin may the Lord make me ashamed. I »1804] JOURNAL. 179 have more occasion to striv'c against it in secret, than before men. It is seldom I can enjoy a meek spirit. Novcmher 1. My heart towards God at rising, and in a short walk had a watchful sense of divine presence after jirayer. With pupils, not at all guarded enough yet. On account of the ill behaviour of — , my heart was filled with impatience. I walked out in this tem- per, and though besides this I was assaulted with evil thoughts, yet in all my misery and sin, I simply cast mvs‘'‘h’ ii'to the fountain of Christ’s blood, and found peace. To bring my mind to sobriety and deadness to the world, I rojjeated Isaiah liii. with much effect. At church at night my soul was touched with devotion. How precious was the })resence of God, after so much intercourse willi Ids creatures ! Mr. S. told me, that if 1 w{'re on the Bengal establishment, my salary woidd be .fil-2()() a year. 1 told Farish that 1 remembered his words, that 1 should be in danger of wcnldly-minded- ness. At j)rescnt 1 feel no desire after the riches of the world. 2. Laboured in prayer this morning for a right s))iijt of seriousness without pride, and was enabled to sit down t(j mv work with a watchful sense of God's presence. With my pupils rather better, but liy no means sullicientlv self-gov(.‘rning. In my walk out I was thinking C)f I^ydia, and the jtossibilitv of mv having li conipetenev ; luff I felt scarcely the least wisli for a settlement of this world, and I found that I ca)uld decide between marriage and celibacy with simple reference to God’s glory, and my general usefulness. In the after- noon enjoyed solemn thoughts in prayer, and visited s(!veral peojdc, and among them one poor penitent soul, with whom I had prayed the day before yesttnday. The desires she expressed amidst her tears were, that Gotl wovdd change her heart, and tbrgive her, and take her to his mercy. If it was his will she wished to leave this world. But wliat if slu* should live ? — Tasked lier. Siie said she could not say she should never sin. as she was constantly liable ; hut rather than turn to licr former 180 JOURNAL. [1804^ waj's she would be cut in pieces. I was much affected with pity, and preached the gospel of grace with much delight to her. In mv rooms, read for the evening class, and prayed with my heart full of awful thoughts. At the class, read Luke xvi. and prayed with .some so- lemnity. Road Bengalee after supper. 3. After the usual husiness of the evening, I walked in the fellows’ garden, tliinking on sermon, with great fervor of spirit, though with much pride and want of love. After dinner, I prayed earncstlv, and continued writing sermon till late at night, in general enjoying God's ])resence, and looking uj) to him, to correct rny spirit, that I might he meek aiul tender, and might write with seriousness, not to please men hut God. It was a very long studv. hut a pleasant one : I left off' satlstied and peacet'ul, at tliinking that the hajipincss of life con- sisted in ctunmunion with God, of wliicli none could depri\'e me ; and happv also and peaceful, at the jirospect (ff’deatli, not far off. I sometimes tremble at not having suff'ered more for Christ ; hut 1 trust I am readv to un- dergo it all. 4. ICndcavoiired to recall mv mind from its usual wanderings, hy looking to God, to ]n-epare me for morning pravt'r, in whii-h 1 found nn self solemnly im- pressed ; hut during a short walk, pride gathered a clotal over mv |)eace, hut it was .somewhat brought down again, d’he time till elmrch was nearly all taken up in fmishing mv sermon. Guring the morning service mv heart was much aff'ecteii, and I felt rather abstracted from the world, and liappy in tfie [)rosp(;ct of greater ah', traction. Mr. d’homasmi prt'ached on lleh. xii. to my edification. Rode to Lolworth with Mr. C. and preached then.-, on .Vets .wi. 29 — 31. hut the people were inattenti\'e. I was in ronsecjuence mm h dejected on my road home, and afterwards ; but by sim[)ly looking up, as a sinner to (hid, I fomid an awful seriou.sness ahruit souls; and at (hunh, in the evening, in preaching the same sermon, I t'ound l,>v the attentiotJ of the people, that the fervor of rnv spirit vesterda\ . had l)cen convevi d JOURNAL. 181 ^1804] into the sermon. 1 came to my rooms, not as usual, hurried, hut rejoicing to l)e alone, and to hold commu- nion with God. Truly God is good to me ! 5. A day in which I have suffered much painful temptation, and have lost much precious time. My lieart was puifed up hy thinking of my sermon yesterday, ami I found the utmo.st difficultv to get it out of mv mind. Read and finished the Bengalee grammar to-day. I was very unwilling to take \ip the Bil)le to learn my portion of scripture while engaged in the grammar, hut after some hesitation, conscience did so far prevail. But I had not time to gain true views of tilings, hy jirayer before — came, and praised my sermon in most extrava- gant terms. 1 was ti'ied hy the most contemptible vanity, vet felt mvself a miserable creature ; a thousand times rather would 1 have had all mv most disgraceful sins published to my shame. Yet alter prayer, in which I could ajijieal to God, that 1 had not souglit my own glory in writing or preaciiing it, I walked out in peace. Tlie passage, “ and they shall look ujion him, whom thev have pierced,” &c. was very useful to bring me to a right spirit. In the afternoon, catechised about fifty children, and called on a wojuan in Wall s Lane. Went to my rooms, expecting to do much in the manv pre- cious hours that lay before me. 1 was fervent in spirit at first, but all the evening and night jiassed in reading a little of Hopkins, and writing for the Christian Ob- server. At tea time, 1 was taking uji some book jileas- ing and amusing, but conscience reminded me, of giving every moment which I did not need for recreation, to the word of God. Thus 1 found it very refreshing and ])l''asant. Oh blessed word of God ! my delight woidd be in the law of the Lord, if 1 meditated in it dav and night. 6 . My heart was cold and unhajipy this morning ; hut hy long and diligent prayer, 1 obtained some sense of God’.s yn-esence. Wrote a little of sermon ; hut for three hours got on .so little, tliat 1 was exceedinglv dc jeeted at my unprofitableness : but found some relief in Jf)l RXA r. [tSOi 18-2 prayer. The thoiijjht ol' tliis eveninjii's ministrations rather oppressed me. Went to the class in which JMr. S. otheiatod throughout. 's insanity affected me very awfully to-day. Cod grant that my pride he not levelled wiili the beasts, in the same manner ! My heart has been gencrallv overwhelmed to-dav, but .lesus is very prccicnis to me, wlio “ came into tlie world to save sinners, of whom I am chief.” 7. This morning, read one thing and then another, eager to get some increase of knowledge : hut at last fixed on the Hebrew llible, and read a little of the licginning of Isaiah, and in the meantime was ratlier watchful over mv spirit. At church, my mind in tlie midst of praver, was .‘seized with re])eated a[)proaebes to levity. Oh what a merev that I was not struck dead ! '** * * ■* With nty pupil, 1 was calm, jiatient tliroiighout. looking to Clirist as mv examplir. (n my walk, the character of Clirist on earth took u[) all mv thoughts, and I felt the power of bis example. Mv mind was seiiou> and sorrowful, and 1 hopt-d I .should luavatter walk as he walked. During the afternoon, though tempted to vanitv and levitv, 1 was lie]p<‘d still to set tlie Lord before me, and found it of rich and unspeakable advantage to me in im intercourse with othei"^. I recollected that 1 liad said some- thing sarcastic at table, tending to v\ound the mind of one, and w.as grieved at considering how unlike it was to him. Dratd': tea with Mr. and Mrs. li. and when 1 was verging to an irreligious frame of mind and mode of conversation, the .Sjiirit ag^ain brought Clirist to rnv reinembraiicc, and made me earnestly desirous to lie like him, in all holy, humble, spiritual, edifying conver- sation. All the re.st of the evening I was employed, it it might b(‘callerl ernjilovment, in thinking of tlie subject, “ Yfc arc Imiit upon the foundation of the apo.stlc.s and jtrophets,” &c. with such iluhiess that I was (piitc de- jected. Indeed 1 am a poor igmmant wieleh, and wliat te> do 1 liardlv know. Mv eemstant ii.selissness in (iod s creation, and perfect unprofitahleiiess, overwhelm mv JOUnSAL. 183 ^IS04] soul. And God's forbearance and Christ’s tender love, are very, very precious to me. How happy shall I he, in the eternal world, when self, and all its pride, and sin, and wretchedness shall be forgotten, and God alone have all praise ! Amen, so he it. 8. In moiTiing prayer, felt a most ardent desire, the same as last night, to be out of doors among the sick. So after writing a letter, I went out and continued till eleven. One man and his wife, 1 was almost willing to heliiwe, had become true converts. At one house I met with a poor sinful woman with whom I mildly reasoned, as thinking she had been roughly addressed in general, hut 1 could get no answer, for she was ashamed to hold up her head. With mv pupils, endeavoured to .set the Lord before me, not with so much effect as yesterday. Till church, went about with Professor Parish, who was canv.issing for the Jacksonian professorship. * ■**>!!** * * Had some liappy meditations in the evening at mv room, on the favour of God to rny soul, and the approach of death, and eternity, and was earnest in prayer ; and was still chielly engaged li\ desiring to set the Lord alwavs before me, that I might l)e zealous for souls as he was. 9. Wn te letters, which employed me till my ]'.upils came. Professor Parish coming to me about his busi- ness, prevented mv walking, except for a short time with friends, among whom I shewed an unholy spirit. In the afternoon, prayed earnestly over I Peter, j)articular1y “ the end of all things is at hand, he ve therefore sober.” It is this injunction I want above all things, to practise to he .sober and iscriou.s, to have uncompromising sin- cerity. Most of the evening in writing letters to differ- ent M. A.’s for Professor Parish. In mv rooms, began to meditate with some delight on the glorv of Zion, the subject of my intended sermon, hut advanced little or nothing in it. 10. Rose very early after an almost sleepless night, and continued at .sermon chiefly till eleven, making little J84 JOURNAL. progress. In the morning, felt resentment at Mr. S. and found it very difficult to regain a right spirit in prayer. But at length I felt patient and forgiving. In the afternoon, by delaying too long to begin prayer, when my soul was disposed to it, I lost the opportunity, by others coming in : my behaviour was thoughtless, to my sore vexation and grief afterwards. When shall I be delivered from this detestable ievitv, and inconsis- tency ! Continued at sermon all the rest of the evening, in great dulness, partly arising from headache. A let- ter from my sister to day was very affecting to me. Oh that it would please God to reveal Christ to her ! At night, I seemed to enjoy my subject, which was, the gradual growth of God’s chui'ch. 11. (Sunday.) Was earnest this morning in prayer, as I generally have been of late, on the morning of the Sabbath, through the mercy of God answering the prayer of liis people. Till church, 1 was .again taken up in writing sermon. My natural spirits were high at civurch, and afterwards rode t(j Stapleford, in a joyous .sort of spirit, l)ut with no true religion in exercise. Preaciicfl on 2 Cor. v. 20, 2 1 . The c(jngre- gation ill-behaved and inattentive. Rode home sorrow- ful at having preached with no more life and zest, and also at finding my.self incessantly tempted. As soon as I came home, I continued .some time in praver : it was, I trust, an act of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. My evil heart so full of sin, was causing me to depart from God, and to wait till 1 had a belter frame ; but by immediate application for j)ardf)u and grace; my soid was restored. Afterwards for an hour before church divine things were awfully presented to my mind, and mv heart was earnest towards God. The world was gone, my thoughts were all swallowed up in the ever- blessed God. Oh liow swiftly does rny soul advance in holiness at such seasons ! Read sojiiething <»f Watts’, hoping to get some thoughts of (!ternal things, but found it unsatisfying. Then I asked, why do not I consult the fountain of truth ? so read the Psalms, with <■' JOURNAL. 185 bright light shining upon them. At church at night, rather declined in spirituality. Went into hall, with a holy determination to seize any opportunity of warning others of their danger. Why is not my soul more serious ? I see such strong occasions for it, from with- out and within, that I groan at not being able to main- tain a steady sobriety and tenderness. May the Lord be pleased to fix this in my mind, that I am in the midst of dying souls, who are thronging to hell ! How cruel ! how impious to let a brother ])erish for want of warning ! All my unhappiness is, that 1 should so soon become carnal. May God write, Heaven, Hell, Death, and Eternity upon every object 1 see. 12. Felt much guilt this morning, but rose from jirayer in a serious humbled spirit. The thought of ever having been the means of making a fellow-creature miserable, one formed for the glory of God, both in body and soul, sunk down my .spirit with shame and teiTor to the dust. Breakfasted with N ,and conti- juied two hours about mathematics, then visited a dying w’oman, and prayed in the midst of many people. From that time ])upils, and a disagreeable man, who took up my time after dinner, when 1 was about to enjoy a season of devotion, catechising children and then pupil, left me no h Isure for myself till near seven. I was in general at peace and earnest in prayer. The rest of the evening wrote with great slowness and inattention some sermon : though the subject furnished me with many delightful thoughts. 13. God and eternal things are my only pleasure ; but my faith is exceedingly weak. At breakfast this morning, I found a happy and trampiil enjoyment of divine meditation. I received a letter from the French officer Vivian, the answer to which took up all the morning. I endeavoured to send a summary of the Gospel, and added some exhortations to embrace it. In a short walk out, was rather confused by present things. After dinner, a party of religious friends were with me, I prayed repeatedly before, and during tlie 186 JOURNAL. time, that I might bo like Christ, and that the conver- sation might be such as becometh saints. It was tole- rably well, not idle, yet nothing in the way of affection, and feeling, and for myself, though my views of pro- priety of conduct were clear, and my heart felt the importance of eternal things, I was very often subject to vanity and levity. A little before seven 1 read some of the word of God seriously. S — told me this evening that he thought there was scarcely the least ])robability of my going in the spring, or indeed for a year to come. This, together with some other little sources of vexati{)n, made me very unhappy for a time. But 1 made a sud- den effort to take all these things (juietly, considering that these are the very seasons to exercise faith. 14. Morning employed in finishing sermon on Ephes. ii. 19 — 21. No particular ofijoyment of divine things, except in reading some of the Scriptures at breakfast, and afterwards in my walk, when for a little my soul was able to speak to Christ, as to one near. After dinner was in the town, and called on one sick man. In the evening I began to gr(*w very averse to all spiritual re.iding and thoughts ; l)ut 1 .simply asked, what is it right I should do ? and I began a .sermon, and wrote, by con.sulting IIoj)kins, with freedom all the rest of the evening. 15. Corruption fdways begins the day, and is before- hand with grace, but morning prayer never fails to set my mind in a right frame. Read the Acts this morning with great delight. I love to dwell in sacred scenes, other than those which pass before me, and especially those in which the men of God are concerned. Pa.ssed the morning in writing sermon, though greatly inter- rupted and grieved by temptations. In the afternoon after prayer visited a sick woman. A few friends took tea with me. I fell rather into levity, though I was dispo.sed to spiritual conversation. At Trinity church felt my heart worldly ; unable to realize eternity, but at last I did find mv heart opened a little. Preached on Ephes. ii. 19—21. JOURNAL. 187 1804] 15. My soul seems tube enjoying rest; no trials but yet no particular engagement ; — let me beware of a calm. Prayer in the morning changed as usual my whole mind. The morning was much interrupted, and 1 was peevish and idle. Wrote letters on Professor Parish’s business. After dinner was sent for by Mrs. P — , and staid there and at Bate’s the whole afternoon. Happily for me the Lord did not forsake me, — all this time being without pi*ayer. In the evening read Hopkins on the first and fourth commandment, and Brown’s Reflections on the latter chapters of Joshua, with much pleasure, and more ease of ideas ; but my heart was not spiritual, and when I left off, I thought with great regret, of the poor dying soul of a woman I iiad intended to visit. But it is a happiness to my soul, that I love all the w'ork of God. I have no damping do\d)ts as formerly ; it seems indiffex’ent to me, in what I am employed, so it he for my God and Lord. 1 7. Had determined to devote this day to fasting and ])rayer, which I very much need. Had a peace- ful mind in the morning, and in a walk Ixefore breakfast, great delight in God, and in prospect of being with him this day ; hut by receiving a letter from one of the electors attributing my loss of his vote for Parish, to my want of earnestness, 1 was so ve.Ked that I could not recover rny composure and peace for a good while. Owing to pu])ils, &c. 1 was not left alone till one, when I walked a little, and met with Mr. Lloyd, whose conversation was as usual, highly s]>iritual and edifying. When I got to my rooms, 1 continued about two hours in prayer, with tolerable steadiness, solemnity, and seriousness, and with less distraction than 1 have almost ever known. I began with labouring after a broken heart, but staid so long at it in vain, that I was obliged to proceed to other sxdxjects, which were chiefly, intercession for the college, nation, my two sisters, and my brethren in the ministry. Afterwards I read some Scripture and went to chapel, and from that time till supper was visiting the sick. At !>u])per and alter supper, 1 let slip a most excellent 188 JOURNAL. [1804 opportunity of speaking on an important subject, from mere heedlessness and want of thought; which so galled me when I came to my room, that 1 was quite unhappy. 10. (Sunday.) The morning of this Sabbath was less happy to me than any I have had for a long time, and it is just the one in which I expected to have enjo}ment uadistracted, as having no untinished ser- mon to oppress me. In a state of absence from God, 1 went to prayer, as knowing it was of no use to try to restore my own soul : so with all my miseryand iniquity least myself upon God, and found the return of peace, and the time passed in general happily, in reading and praying till church, where during some parts of the service 1 .spoke as to God, though at others was mise- rably distracted. After dinner sat in my rooms endea- vouring to recollect the events of rny early life, till afternoon church, where I enjoyed great delight. 1 wa.^ about to offer to Mr. Thomason to preach, but I hearil him on Rom. xii. 1. with great ])rofu. liy a letter from Major S — to him, I learnt that Mr. Grant luul no doubt of getting me nominated, but that he would let me know positively, about the latter end of December. 1 rejoiced greatly at the prospect of a speedy departure, feeling, I thought, joy and delight at the gathering in of the Gentile souls. Yet I reasonably susj)ected myself. The change of scene and sight of other countries, cer- tainly are agreeable to me ; but as far as I can see, they would not induce me to resign my ease and my life : no, I believe that I lay down these, in obedience and conformity to Christ, and from love to him and his elect ; and had I ten thousand lives, my calm judg- ment, unrutHed by dangers, tcstitie.s, that they ought all to be spent for Chri.st. Rut when the trying hour comes, how shall 1 feel ? Yet 1 have that promise, “ As thy day, so shall thy strength be, ’ &c. En- joyed great happiness and the joys of heaven, most of the re.st of the evening, though not without distraction. In hall at .supper found an opportunity of declaring very plainly, the necessity of intending to keep all God’s JOURNAL. 189 J ^^04] commandments, in order to the being in an upright and safe state. No answer was made me. 19. Was distracted in prayer, and unable to feel the presence of God this morning in prayer. Read 6th com- mandment in Hopkins, and began sermon on it. Walked a little in Trinity cloisters, not distressed by corruj)ted tempers, but yet vain in my thoughts, for want of communion with God. Passed some time in prayer with much seriousness, yet 1 could not feel that powerful constraining influence to holiness of tem- per which the Lord at times vouchsafes. Went imme- diately after dinner, to catechise the children ; then after taking tea, I went home, and was employed in writing on Professor F’s business, and other secular business the rest of the evening. 20. Professor Parish, See. breakfasted with me early tins morning, and afterwards N , who continued till late in tlie morning, for assistance in mathematical su!>jccts. At a little interval 1 walked with great head- ache, but mv heart seemed affected towards God. Was not left to myself till after dinner, when the Lord deli- vered me from a temper of levity, and sloth, and earthly-mindednoss, by bringing to my mind the exam- ple of Christ, always serving God spiritually, and those words of his, “ What coiild ye not watch with me one hour V ” So I read Isaiah liii. and 1st Epistle of Peter, with a mind delivered for a while from present things, but from delaying prayer too long was interrupted. Is this serving God with reverence and godly fear ? After- W'urds w’cnt to visit , but could get him no com- fort. So I desired Mr. Simeon to call. The rest of the evening in conversing and writing letters. My heart was not in visible disorder during all this, but it is not the spiritual life that Brainerd led. 21. H — breakfasted early in the morning before his departure : in my rooms till eleven, 1 was employed in vvriting to my sister. At church in morning prayers, I did not really speak to God ; pupils left me but a short time for walking before dinner, during which 1 vmwil- 190 JOURNAL. [180traineth us,” was a text much on my mind. Wliy did not this holy, heavenly frame continue? but alas! it was very slinrt-lived. After dinner I sat meditating for an liour on the past events of my life ; l)ut was afterw ards engaged till churcli, by B — and P — . Mr. Simeon jueacbed on the wonls, “ As the Father hath h)vealhs 1 have generally found myself dispo.sed to pray for with delight, but now mv wretched sjiirit went on stupidly in darkne.ss. Was much edified by Mr. Simeon’s sermon on 2 Cor. iii. 18. In my rifle to Lolworth made a few faint efforts to get near to God, but still seemed shut out. '^fbe thought of being aliout b) preach a sermon, which nobody would attend to, likewise dejected me. But in praying that I might live a life of .sfditude and jirayer, the world .seemed to disappear, and 1 found myself again with God. Preached on the third commandment ; there was the utmost attention, and I felt exceedingly relieved by it. In a short conversation with two men who are serious, I found my heart exceerlingly knit to them : their modesty and simplicity are (piite engaging. Drank tea at Mr. JOURNAL. 193 1804] t0 ’s, felt persuaded that he knows nothing of inward piety ; yet while so many were present, I could not be pressing on the subject. Rode home in good spirits, though not much communing with God. At church at night felt my heart quite full, at the singing of that sweet hymn, ‘ Jesu, lover of my soul,’ &c. Was greatly tired at night with peevishness, discontent, and fear of mortifying the flesh ; but in prayer rose above it, and was very fervent, though not free in expression, in seek- ing for an entire conformity to Jesus Christ. 26. Was mostly solemn and serious in the presence of God this morning, and the part of the 119th Psalm, which r learnt, was of blessed use. By pupils and — walking with me and catechizing the children, was not left alone till six in the evening, when my heart, which had become very earthly, was restored by prayer. The next two hours I spent with two sick men, with both of whom I prayed earnestly. In ray rooms afterwards, the words of the sacred ])oet excited in me awfid views of the glory of Christ. In prayer to him I was asto- nished to think of the wonders of his person, that the King of kings should become a man, and live, and die. Oil mercy unparalleled ! Worthy i.s the Lamb that was slain. Rest of the evening wrote sermon ; my soul seems labotiring still with the mysterious glories of religion. What shall appear to this soul when 1 die ■<* What sluill appear to this worm, of God’s glory, while I live? At night, lay a long time sleepless, and got farther and farther from God. 27. A melancholy day, the sense of my defilement and self-indulgence made me feel myself abominable. The 119th Psalm was again very solemnizing ; Nvrote sermon ; walked with B . After dinner in prayer, was a little restored to deep views of eternity, and felt my soul desiring and watching to imitate Christ, and to delight in his service. At night, after praying lor God’s preserving power, I began to read the Medea. Read through Person’s Preface to the He- cuba, and made extracts. As St. Austin said of Cicero, o 194 JOURNAL. [1804 • that he did not find Christ there, so say I ; heathen reading, notwithstanding all the clearness of poetry, is dull and dark, fis it never kindles any devotion in my heart. At supjifer was grieved at the conversation, and longed to say something efiectually. 28. A disorderly morning ; at intervals 1 tried to learn my usual portion of 1 19th Psalm, hut lost much time and comfort by distraction ; yet 1 determined to take up nothing of my classic studies or any other, till my heart received the Spirit from on high. In my walk, my soul rose above its vexations ; many things fretted me, but as I walked, I felt entirely devoted to the most painful service of God ; I felt willing to undergo the greatest hardships for Christ, and that, not from .any particidar exercise of love, for I was rather melancholy, l)ut because I loved and approv(‘d the angelic w'ork ; and I longed for the afternoon to come, that 1 might bo employed in it. After dinner consented unwillingly from a sense of duty, to sit at C — ’s, but liad no oppor- tunity of doing good. Went into Wall’s Lane, and visited several people. Sup{>eolenm effect as yesterday. Though the morning was chiefly taken up with the Medea and with H — , and though unprepared In praver for conversation, bv looking up U) God, was ena- bled to speak with some inward enjoyment on the excel- lence of the work of the ministry. In the evening visited B , and drank tea with A . In church in prayer, enjf)ved much of the presence of God, as ever at such times, ;ind in the hvmns was tenderly affected towards Christ, though it was with much distraction, from the fixed contemplation of divine things. Mr. Simeon preached on Gal. iii. I. 30. Was filled with shame, and .self*abhorrence, and sente of guilt, at having wa.sted time in bed, notwithstan- 1804] JOURNAL. 195 dingthe dictates of conscience. Finished the 1 19th Psalm; at the intervals between pupils and Euripides, walked out rather in a distracted contemptuous state of mind, from reading ***** The having to preach at Trinity also, when I saw scarcely time to prepare, rather made me uneasy ; but my soul enjoyed peace at last, and when I hit on the text, Ezek. xxxii. 18, “ As I live,” &c. I felt very happy. In the afternoon sat with — , and afterwards called on some sick. Drank tea with W — , and spoke to him freely. At my rooms, my heart drew near to God in prayer, and 1 found my love fervent to him, for his own blessed excellences. Read Euripides till very late ; I was struck with the resemblance between the character and words of Medea, and , in the lines 24 — 30, especially. My mind was not taken up by these heathen studies as it used to be. December 1 . Morning passed as usual ; I hope I luul a steady seriousness, but with pupils I found my temper irritable. In the afternoon was prevented from private prayer, or visiting the sick, by having to explain Isaac Newton to F : went to chapel in great emptiness of mind, but after chapel, found some fervour in prayer. I continued till supper writing to my sister. At night the last chapter of 1 Thessalonians liad a blessed effect in cpiickening me to spirituality, and preparation for death, though before 1 was sleepy and stupid. 2. (Sunday.) I have had great difficulty in keeping down corruption this day. In opening scripture in the morning, was at a loss what part to read for my edifica- tion, but a short petition seemed to open my eyes a little. Went to church, striving to feel my unworthi- ness. ^Ilad very little ferv'or or recollectedness of mind in the church prayers, and found myself hurrying fast to extreme wretchedness, and so I simply cast mj^-self on the Saviour’s grace, and found returning peace ; but I was by no means happy in my ride to LoRvorth. I’reached on the sixth commandment ; not so much O ‘J JOUKNAL. 196 [1804 attention as last Sunday. Visited some of the people, and was mostly in a spiritual frame of mind ; felt oppressed with the prospect of what I had to do this week : to prepare sermons for Trinity, to read Bishop Butler, &c. But my soul found rest by prayer. At church, I had frequently seasons of sweetness, par- ticularly at giving out the text from the beginning of Matt. XXV. The day of judgment appeared very blessed. I rejoiced at the text and sermon, as it enabled me to realize eternal things, without which I am generally un- happy. Being so soon to pass away from this scene, what little matter is it, how the body fares, or what men sav, so that my soul be approved unto God. 3. Morning till ten, as u.sual, in thinking on ser- mon, and reading. From ten to six, u'as not left alone, for B. walked with me, and after dinner I was obliged to go out immediately to the ciuldren. I have had an hour's conversation with Mr. B. By prayer my heart was graciously excited to joy and gratitude. Went then to B. with whom 1 enjoyed great freedom, and a spirit of praise. In my room, read Euripides for a few lu)urs, and spent the rest in tliinking on sermon. 1 Tim. had a blessed effect in stirring me uj) to a willing devotedness of myself to a life of self-denial. 4. Was plagued with a great deal of fearful unbelief, and distrust, chiefly from finding my.self barren in medi- tation on the subject of my sermon ; hut at intervals the eternal work! opened to my view, and atfected my heart rightly. In rny walk out 1 seemed able to be more at ease. H. came to me in the afternoon : I tried a little to speak on a subject that might be for his conviction, but to no purpo.se; yet I was not faithful to him, and the consciousness of this began a dejection, which lasted more or le.ss, all the evening. Visited the |)oor Magdalene, but had my doubts of lier. At my romns, read Greek till eight, and the rest of tlie time in thinking of sermon. At short intervals had the presence of God, but in general was lukewarm, though not tempted to any dissatisfaction with my blessed work. This inter- JOURNAL. J804] 197 ference of preparation for examination greatly puts me out. 5. An unprofitable ‘day. All my leisure time till pupils, was about sermon, unable to write the first sen- tence. Then an hour before walk equally in vain. I was exceedingly fretted, and assaulted moreover with evil thoughts. It was “ the hour and power of dark- ness.” However, I simply cast myself on the Lord in prayer, and was delivered from all evil imaginations ; but unhappiness at my wretched unprofitableness remained. In my walk out was quite oppressed, and full of idle and foolish thoughts. As soon as 1 was left alone, I went to visit Mrs. C. and was much affected by reading to her Isaiah Ixiii. and Ixiv. On mv return, met with Mr. P. and C. who drank tea, and staid till supper time. I had not a minute to lose. However, when they were gone, the Lord seemed to open my heart, and my mind, and 1 wrote a page and recovered a little from fear and de- jection. How easily can he shut me up ! it is from him, therefore, I have received my talents, and to him be all the glory ! 6. My heart was still discpiietcd this morning, and weak against the assaults of sin and Satan. Now did I find that tbfe Joy of the Lord shall be our strength. In prayer I strove for faith, and peace of mind, and detid- ness to the world, but could gain no permanent holdfast of a right spirit. My patience and temper were again greatly tried, by not being able to write a word, till my pupils came. Received a letter from K. and from my brother, both agreeable, but wdiich I would willingly have been without, as they tended to bring my thoughts to earth. With my pupils, I betrayed my natural spirit, hasty, light, sarcastic, &c. Walked forth in great un- happiness, yet j^raying for grace, to bear with meekness all that the Lord should appoint. After dinner, I found my mind quite blind and dead to spiritual things at first in prayer, but gained a little nearer access to God. After that, I wrote with tolerable freedom, and felt very thankful for any assistance the Lord vouchsafes. My 198 JOURNAL. [1804, soul reposed In sweet solemnity ; the views of death ap- peared exceedingly pleasant, and I longed to think of nothing, but time and eternity. *My heart also delighted^ in its union to such a blessed being as Christ. I felt quite contented and happy if he would notice such a worm, whether I lived in this world or the next. At church, Mr. Simeon preached on Psalm xl. 17. “ 1 am poor and needy, but the Lord thinketh upon me.” Oh that I were very simple and humble in heart ! My cup would run over ; but 1 am so proud, and hard-hearted, and conceited. Visited B. who was in a state of in- sensibility, drawing almost his last breath. I left him, looking forward myself, with some dread, to the agonies of departing this life ; and then sat with Mrs. B. and Mr. Simeon. The sight of Mrs. B. in tears much affected me, and I could soon have joined her. These emotions of the soul continued in exercise, in some degree, the rest of the evening. 7. Rose early, being awakened by music in the courts. The impression was very powerful on my imagination. As I could conceive it to be the sound of the ijeavenly choir, transporting the faithful soul to glory, it seemed a verv blessed, and glorious thing to be the servant of God, and 1 wondc'red that I was not always impressed with the same idea. Made no ad- vances in my sermon, till pupils came, with whom 1 observed rather more propriety of conduct. Called at B — ■’ s, axrd found be had died at five this morning. In my walk, was powerfully affected by the consideration that he had now been before the throne of God, and received his final portion. What a thought ! He now knows whether I spoke faithfully or no •, and if not may perhaps curse me, for deceiving him into hell. Not- withstanding these my serious thoughts in the morning, I was subject to the most despicable vanities afterwards. Made several calls, and at two houses read and prayed- Could not he about my writing till .seven, when I feb some love to sfxuls, and wrote a little more freely, hy God’s assi.stancc. 1804] JOURNAL. 199 8. Rose in a spirit of seriousness, and in prayer my heart was engaged. I saw very clearly, that without preserving a child-like simplicity, I should never walk consistently. In the course of the morning, my heart was in general affected with love to God ; but in the walk it was carried away by foolish thoughts, so as to make me unwilling to be meditating on eternity. I may well be convinced of the corruption of my heart, when it so easily teems with all manner of folly. The rest of the day was taken up with sermon, in general in peace, and sweet vie.ws of another world. Supped at night with and , at the inn. The conversation was mi.seral)Ie, and I came away tired, but not without the conviction, of not having endeavoured to introduce one useful remark. Oh if I had a love to souls, I could not let them trifle into eternity ! How differently did the Lord I profess to follow, pass the time when he visited the ungodly ! 9. (Sunday.) Vide Memoir. At * * I was struck with the contrast of my own exquisite feelings t)f delight, and the apparent peevishness of some pre- sent. Oh why do not they know God ? 1 was forcibly impressed witli the. reality of religion. 10. My comfortable state of’ mind was rather clouded this morning, by waste of time in bed ; but it returned and continued till B. told me, that in iny prayer yester- day before sermon, as also at other times, I used nothing but a few scriptural phrases, so that it was not like prayer. The first emotions of my mind were those of vexation, at this intimation, but I was struck by the amazing pride of my wicked heart, that I could not bear to discover any imperfection in myself, even thoug)a the discovery was the only way to lead me towards perfec- tion. However, the Lord helped me to improve this little circumstance to my good, and 1 was led to see my utter unworthiness and unfitness for any thing good. 1 was willing to sec myself despised ; yea, it was the desire of my heart, to set before my mind such scenes of my life, as should most fill me with shame and hu- 200 JOURNAL. [1804 railiation. In this spirit 1 walked out, and it was sur- prising to me, what freedom from anxiety and from in- clination to sin, I found while in that state. Every one I met, I regarded with reverence, and went sweetly medi- tating on the meekness of Jesus Christ, and filled with the liope of being one day made perfect in it, if not in this world, yet in the next. This frame continued a few hours ; and while it lasted, witli what ease could I ob- serve propriety of conduct! Ajid in prayer I had frequent seasons of sacred delight, while I declared, that I wished God to have all the glory, and yet I desired to honour all his creatures. But unhappily, a man spoke in praise of my .sermon last night, and all these thoughts presently disappeared. Thus praise gives me infinitely more pain, even immediately, than the vitniost abuse. After catechising the children, called on Mrs. B. and upon a dying boy. I went to my rooms, and rather ob- tained relief from my pri: under the dominion of sin. Rode early before breakfast to Stapleford, and then began to feel myself a poor lost creature, and that the simplicity of humility was that which most became me ; and enjoyed in conse- (juence something of a childlike spirit. Preached in tlic morning at Stapleford on the ninth command- ment. In my walk back from church with some ladies professing godliness, I w'as grieved at their le^^ty, but made no answer but by silence and gravity. After dinner Dr. Milner and Lord C — called. * * * * * I was introduced as having been Senior Wrangler, but how contemptible did these paltry honours appear to me ! Ah, tlumgbt 1, you know not how little I am flattered by these intended compliments. Preached in the afternoon at Stapleford on Ezekiel xxxiii. 11. to an attentive audience. On the way back had a conversation with an aged believer, and called on another afliicted saint, whose want of meekness and ])aticnce occasioned by her great trials, rather pained me. Had an opportunity of private ])rayer at Shelford, in which though my mind was serious and not dis- tracted, 1 felt no devotion ; as 1 was distrustfully anxious about the evening. After tea, met about 150 people in the schoolroom, and preached on Acts xx. 21. “ Testi- fying to the Jews, and also to the Greeks,” &c. in which the Lord assisted me to be clear and impressive ; but I had reason to lament my want of tenderness, or rather that I had not sufficient power of speaking according to the feelings of my mind. Rode home in great strength of spirits ; but my joy was not spiritual : yet I cared for nothing in this world. Read and prayed at night with my seiwant. 204 JOURNAL. •[1804 17 . After morning prayer my heart was joyous, but far too light. B. breakfasted with me. The rest of the day was engaged in hall and with the Fellows. I governed my outward conduct pretty well in general, though pride and selfishness were working within, and sometimes the emptiness of my mind shewed itself by speeches of folly and levity, and conformed me to the ways and manners of others. Oh for that holy re- serve which communion wdth God would not fail to produce in me ! In the evening wrote to my sister, and manifested a very unbecoming spirit of levity and sarcasm, and impatience to one of my pupils. Read Butler. At the times of prayer, my heart is generally affected with moments of exceeding joy and devotion, but I want more of the abiding fear of God, and a continual sense of my own luisery and guilt. In the hall was much affected by the sight of Lord B. whose look of meekness and humility rivetted my attention, and almost melted me to tears. If there is one disposition in the world I wish for more than another, it is this ; but the bias of my corrupted nature hurries me violently against it. 18. Was greatly under the power of corrupt imagi- nations in the morning, but prayer restored me to purity and peace. In hall the whole day, and in general enjoyed more spirituality and less of my natural temper than since the beginning of the examination. At inter- vals drew near to God in prayer ; but it is high time for me that this secular biLsincss should end. Read Butler at night till very late. 19. My mind unea.sy from anxiety, and fear of unfitne.ss for that part of the examination I was about to undertake, yet always rcgaitied my peace when 1 regarded myself as unworthy of the good opinion of any body. I examined in Butler, with great ease to myself and clearness. Thus it plea.ses God to make me honour- able in the eyes of men ; I hope for the purposes of his own glory. In my walk my thoughts ran far too easily on these trifling things. The rest of the day in hall, 1804] JOURNAL. 205 and with the Fellows, with my mind variously employed ; sometimes with sweet thoughts of God, but generally with dull thoughts, scarcely attending to any thing. I was grieved not to be able to say any thing more decisive and convincing against that ungodly book of Paley’s. At night after supper, an opportunity offered of speaking to one of the Fellows, which I did for a considerable time. In prayer in general, I have been fervent in the petitions, but the particulars have been fewer, my views of eternal things are narrowed, and I feel less inclined to the work of God. 20. The promises of the church’s enlargement afforded me much delightful meditation this morning : from nine till near dinner we were engaged in settling the classes. In my walk the severe cold did not shut up my thoughts within the body so much as of late. In the afternoon I was scarcely at all alone, and about to behold vanity ; but the Lord by prayer sobered and quickened my mind. In the service at church my soul enjoyed some true devotion. I gained instruction and comfort from the sermon, John ii. 25. Happy moments ! in which I can live devoutlv in communion with Christ. Oh what is the world to me ? and yet my thoughts are not swallowed up in God. Called on a woman in Wall’s Lane after church. 21. Rose early, and continued a good while in prayer. Most of the time till dinner I was reading Poole’s Synopsis of the first chapter of St. John, and was much impressed with the consideration of the glory of Christ, the Word. Oh, that 1 could think of nothing else but things which belong to the wonders o£ religion \ In my walk strove to keep near to Christ, and was at times affected with admiration and love. On my return sat an hour with the poor Magdalene, and read the bible to her, to her seeming profit. Then dined at Mr. Simeon’s W'ith a large party of religious friends, and ladies ; but the conversation was not reli- gious or in any way improving. So w-hen I went away at seven, it was with regret at the time’s being all lost. 206 JOURNAL. [1804 Went to the class and read and spoke on Revelations ii. to the church of Ephesus, with freedom ; but was by no means satisfied with my prayer. Sat with ajid his brother, an officer in the guards ; their conversation was far more becoming Christians, than ours had been in the afternoon. I look forward to a day of prayer; for my soul hath great need of quickening and restora- tion, that it may act more in the view of eternity, and conformably to the holy profession whereunto I am called, of a minister of Christ. 22. Another day is passed, and another week, in which I have very, very little lived according to my prayer ; seldom feeling myself alone with God. My heart has not been drawn out in prayer ; neither has his word been sweet to me, and this I may safely attribute to my not giving more time to the work. Most of the morning passed in reading Poole on the 1st of John. In my walk, I met with C. with whom I talked with far too little restraint in his own way, on the oriental languages. I should not talk to a miser on the way of getting money ; so neither should I talk with C. on that which is his idol. After dinner, I was in a ])eaceful melancholy, at hearing of the death of P at Gibraltar : death was pleasant to me, though 1 had little joy or nearness to God ; but I wished for no work, no employment in earth or heaven, but the service of God. Visited an old woman dying, full of self-righteousness ; I tried, in vain, to convince her. By going to chapel, and pupils, I was not alone till seven ; from wliich time I was greatly dejected, at my utter unprofitaI)leness, and inability to write sermon. G and 11 had come to sup with me, and my heart enjoyed much of a humble spirit. 2.3. (Sunday.) In great depression of spirits, and .self-abasement, I prayed this morning, and felt the power of religion. My soxil was alone with God, and I hoped I should be steadily with him all the day. I felt fully disposed to go any where, or to do any thing for God ; not from zeal, but from resignation, and a sense JOURNAL. 207 1804] of utter worthlessness and unprofitableness. I was told of the death of the self-righteous woman I visited ; and also of the sudden death of a dear Christian female friend. My views on death were somewhat different from lately. I have rather wished to live to do some- thing for God ; but now I wished rather to die, to be free from my sinfulness and uselessness. Preached at L on the Ninth Commandment, and visited some people, and was somewhat revived by singing hymns with one latterly profane. In my ride home, still had some slavish fear. At supper in hall, had a little share of conversation, and said something that I trust will fa.sten. I had perfect command of myself, which is my main object : for if I say any thing that can be gain- saved, I had much better not have spoken at all. 24. The whole day almost was employed in writing, in which God graciously assisted me far beyond my ex- j)ectation. This was rather reviving to my spirits, and led me to thankfulness. By sitting till very late, so long without bodily motion, was chilled, the whole night, and got little sleep. 25. My morning thoughts were unworthy of this sacred day, till they wore .somewhat sanctiticd by prayer. Read at St. Edward’s church, and delivered the cup at the sacrament for the first time. I longed to be rightly affected with contrition and devotion, Init all in vain ; I found the body of sin and death very oppressive. Preached at Lolworth on John i. 14. to a very small congregation, but with my own heart affected. On my return, dined with Mr. B. and our conversation in general was such as becometh the gospel of Christ. At clmrch, at night, had reason to lament the want of pri- vate communion witli God ; as my thoughts were too easily apt to fix on outward things, to engage in the ordinances. Yet in tlie latter part 1 thought I had a great and tender love for souls, and that I could long to see every one of them coming to Christ, and being happy. In my rooms meditated a long time on the latter part of Galatians ii. and though I had scarcely any 208 [1804 JOURNAL. insight into it, niy soul rejoiced in hope of experiencing the power of the cross of Christ, even as the apostle. 26. Had some enjoyment in prayer ; but 1 need very much a day of humiliation, and continued supplication. had breakfasted with me. Though my ixiind was at times spiritual, my conversation was but little agree- able to the simplicity and humility of the gospel. The whole morning was taken up by the calls of different people ; to one of my pupils I declared the counsel of God ; in my walk out endeavoured to think on the life of faith, and in a short season before dinner, found the presence of God in prayor. Went into the combination room after dinner, where some of those present ke]it. me constantly employed, by asking me questions, to make me speak against the usual amusements of men. In the evening, read Grotius’ Commentary on the 1st of Reve- lations, and wrote to my brother. At night, passed some hours in meditating on Gal. ii. 20. It is very delightful to enter into the spirit of the Epistles in any measure — indeed of any part of the word of God: I find that it is the sincere milk l)y which I grow. In the midst of my vanities and ficklene.ss, 1 find no pleasure at all, save in the views of eternity. 27. Had great difficulty to keep my mind in peace all this morning, from anxiety about this evenings ministrations. After writing a French letter to Vivian, the French officer, I went out to a funeral, and was de- tained by it the whole morning. I endeavoured to employ my time well, by making occasional reflections on the people about me ; hut chiefly by meditating on a subject for the evening. In prayer, after this, 1 strove to exercise faith, and to stay rny mind uj)on God, which he enabled me to do. At dinner, 1 was obliged to be engaged in the same subject of meditation, and though my mind was not (piite easy, many profit- able reflections suggested themselves. After dinner, I officiated at another funeral. From the deadne.ss of my soul to holy thoughts and unfitness for duty, I thought it would liave been happier for me to have JOURNAL. 209 ^1804] been fasting than feasting. Drank tea at N , where I spoke with ease and elearness on Gal. ii. 20, for a good while. Went, away in great thankfulness, and desire to be again employed in God’s service at home ; but to my dissatisfaction, , w'hom I knew six years ago, came in, and sat with me till near midnight, dis- puting on religion. I w’as perfectly dispassionate throughout, and proved every thing he said to be false ; but such a mixture of profaneness, infidelity and in- genuity, filled my soul with anguish. Oh how' I longed to l)e in heaven, out of the way of such ungodliness. What a life wdll it be to me to pass through a W'orld of such men ; but the time will one day be over, and then 1 shall see none but holy servants of God ; but my business hero, is to carry God’s light through a world of darkness. 28. Employed this morning in reading Erpenius’s Arabic grammar, and writing to Mr. J. on public amusements. In my walk, and during dinner, w'as meditating on .lohn xiii. 17. for the evening. It is good for me to have no care or comfort, but what I can get by faith ; my pinice is purer. 1 sat in combination room an hour after dinner, but felt, on coming out, that 1 could baldly expect to receive God’s blessing on my own heart, and this evening’s ministrations, after ne- glecting tlie due means. Hut He gniciously assisted me this evening, both in expo.sition of John xiii. and in ))rayer. For two hours afterwards employed in writing out my letter to S , with my soul occasionally cheered by joyful views of another world. 29. Much of the morning wasted by irregular read- ing, Grotius’s commentary, newspapers, &c. by which my mind w'as left more unhappy than if it had been oppressed by too much business. Visited the poor Magdalene this afternoon, she seemed to be dying. and took wine with mo, and in conse- quence of theological disjmtes, staid till nine. 1 was exceedingly grieved afterwards at having Jost so much precious time, — never, never to be recovered ; in 210 JOURNAL. [1804 which I recollected I might have been comforting many poor souls, or storing my mind with knowledge, or growing more spiritiud by prayer. Smith on ‘ Sacred Offices,’ in a part speaking of the necessity of prayer, was made very useful to me. 1 felt that I neither had, nor was thinking of giving so much time to prayer for my poor people as I ought. 30. (Sunday.) Most shamefully wasted much time in bed, and rose full of shame and anguish, which con- tinued in a less degree all day. Preached at St. Giles’ church on Jolin iii. 3. without notes, and went through it with distinctness and correctness, tluuigh both body and mind were in a stupid state. In the afternoon, at the same church, on Acts xx. 21. Read and prayed afterwards with Mrs. S. and another. In the evening before church, was a little enlivened by a sense of God’s mercy. At church, several things served to humble me, and make me think slightly of myself, 31. I had determined last night, to devote this morning to practical reading and ))rayer, Init when the morning came, I was very unwilling at first, to leave many things undone, as w’ould be necessary ; but, how- ever, I did devote the morning to it, and found the presence of God with me, so that I was enabled to stir up my attention constantly, and to watch unto medita- tion and prayer. My mind wais also vigorous in my walk. After dinner, a j)arty of religious friemls .sat with me, whose names I will write, that I may remember them this time twelvc-montli, if God .s])are my life. Our con- versation was tolerablv tiseful. 'I’he ri!.st of the evening I enjoyed much of Gcal’s presence, and in prayer at night was full of joy ; devoting myself to God’s service, and rejoicing at tlie lapse of time. liut alas ! 1 may trvdy groan at the unprofitableness of the last year. For the first half, 1 was severely tried, and then I was but little resigned to the righteous dispensations of Gcal. P then pleased tlie Lord to deliver me, but instead of rende.nng bun jcA’fuI .service, ns f expected, 1 seem to have more jnide and Inkmvarmness. In two things I [1805 JOURNAL. 211 see a lamental)lc, a melancholy defect, I am not a man of prayer. I pray frequently for myself, and with fer- vor, hut I am not found a man to stand in the gap. Secondly, I do not feel that I am performing the duties of the ministry in that part of it which respects private visiting. This evil indeed is the consequence of the former. But my soul panteth after holiness, nothing appears at all desirable to me for a moment, but God. May he make his creature spiritual. So closes the easy part of my life, encircled by every earthly comfort, and caressed by friends, and never long under spiritual affliction. I may be perhaps said scarcely to have ex- perienced trouble, but now farewell case ; if I may pre- sume to conjecture, the next year will bring with it difficulties or death. Perhans I shall never see the ter- ▲ mination of another year ; now, therefore, O Lord, into tby hands I commit my spirit, for thou hast redeemed me, oh Lord, thou God of truth. May 1 be saved by thy grace, and be sanctified to do thy will now, and to all eternity, through Jesus Christ. Amen. January 1, 1805. (See Memoirs.) P. 9.3, ed. 10. 2. I found great peace and increase of spirituality in considering prayer my proper business : the going .among our people, which used to fill me with anxiety, appeared easy and })leasant to me : read at church with seriousness, and no temptation at all to levity. and , by constant questioning and arguing with me, gave me a most complete opportunity of tell- ing them almost all 1 coxdd have wished. I went away greatly ))leascd, though somewhat pained at haying wounded ’s feelings by too strong ex- ])ressions of my indignation, at his having been publicly singing anacreontic songs. After an hour in my rooms, I went to W ’s, where I expounded the 12th chapter of St. John. In prayer 1 was more free from false fervour, and was more deliberate and orderly. 1 hence I went to an old woman who was dving, and read and prayed with her. 3. Read a little of Basil on the first Psalm. I was • 21-2 JOURNAL. [180.5 struck with his elo(iuence, but found little evangelic truth. I found solemnity and seriousness at different times in prayer this morning, but in my walk, my heart was ev^er beholding vanity. At church I was in a very insensible state, but my thoughts were afterwards more taken up by considering 's words, that God generally used mean instruments of conversion in pre- ference to the wise and learned. The exercise of humi- lity, to which this gave occasion in me, was a very pro- fitable one. I felt quite as well disposed to live labouring and praying for souls, without ever being honoured by having any given to me, as witii prospects of abundant success. May the Lord gather them how and by whom may be most to the advancement of his own glory. 4. In my walk, the desire of my heart was toward God, but the body of death ko])t my sj)irit les. I do not know what ttfect all that I hu\e said had on her, for there was so much levity, that her real feelings werf; in constant disguise. I was fre- quently depre.s.sed at , by the solitude and spiri- tual darkness of Uu* j>lace, but by earnest praver against these feelings, 1 found that 1 could live independ- ently of all created (a)mforts upon God alone, and me- ditated in peace of mind upon my subjects for to- morrow, studying how 1 might speak with the greatest JOURNAL. 2J3 ^1805] ])Ossible |)lamncss. The afternoon was passed with , who has been long oppressed with doubts and fears. In the evening I was alone, and passed some hours in reading and prayer ; the sermon of Jonathan Edwards on the ‘ Day of Judgment,’ and on ‘ Fearful- ness hath surprised the hypocrites,’ made me tremble at the fearful condition of lost souls, and made me feel uncomfortable at the consideration of siich a melancholy subject. Read and pi’ayed in the family. (). (Sunday.) Preached to a small congregation on Jolm iii. 8, with needless plainness, and ratlier too great familiarity, as 1 learnt afterwards, and in the afternoon on 2 Cor. v. 20, 21, at which time the earnestness of my manner e.xcited the mirth of many people pre.sent. I was greatly grieved at it, yet perha|is if I had had their benefit more at heart, I should have taken care to deliver these truths with the least possible offence ; so that even in this case I may reasonably blame myself. Afterwards catechized, and sung w’ith the children. In tlu! evening read one of Jon. Edwards’s sermons with , whose conversation fxdl of levity and inconsis- tency, especially considering the day, wais very painful to me ; his inci'ssant hajuacity was tiresome to me, almost beyond bearing. I could scarcely give the iittention consistent with common politeness ; it is no wa)ndcr svich sort of Christians have fears, and my exhortation accordingly to him, w as to serve Coil better, and to pass more time in prayer. In private afterwards, Jny sold was drawn out in fervent prayer, and felt the presence of the glorious God. 1 longed to be ten thou- sand times more devoted to him than 1 had been, and to l^ass the I’emainder of my days in Imndile laborious C'x.ertions in the cause of Clirist. 7. Left B , and arrived at dinner in Brunswick Square, where I passed the remainder of the evening very agreeably with old Mr. and Mrs. Bates, for their favourite subject w’as religion. I called on Mr. Grant, who told me I might certainly consider myself as des- tined lor India, though I w'as not yet appointed. He •214 JOURNAL. [1805^ had however no doubt that I should be very soon. The situation he has been endeavouring to get for me, was that of Chaplain to Fort William. Thus it pleases God to keep me in a certain degree unfixed, and it is but that his own wise purposes should be fulfilled in their time. I find these apparent delays very beneficial to me, as I perceive that God works in providence, as in nature, very slowly, which is a check to youthful rashness. Had some difficxdty in prayer at night, from the distractions of the day, but with some blessed moments of drawing near to God, and away from the world. 8. Walked many liours in the street, which greatly disturbed my thoughts, but when I repeated to myself some of the chapters in Ephesians, I was with God and happy ; on my return home, luiwever, 1 was astonished, on reflecting on the pride, anri hardness, and wicked imaginations that have been teeming in this corrupted heart. Read some of the Psalms at home, and prayed in some shame and hurnilitv against the re]>etition of such wickedne.ss : while I walked in such danger, what but God's long-suffering and covenanted mercy preserved me? In the evening a chapter was read, and Mr. prayed, and then we sung, ‘ Salvation, oh the joyful sound,’ with great joy ; my own mind w.as in general (juiet and collected, but I was very slothful in conversation. 9. In reading the charge to the priests at the ordi- nation service, 1 was affected cv'cn to tears, at the importance of the ministry. I’he groat mental talents of some men naturally excite my env'y, but when I am able to think of God, who hath thus gifted his crea- tures, I have often had new views of him, and been astonished at the greatne.ss of his glory, and his traii- scendant excellency, and been filled with wonder and delight, that so mean a creature sho\dd behmg to him as much as angels. 10. Walked about the grounds before breakfast, and felt little disposed to exchange my humble and laborious calling, as it appears to this world, for JOURNAL. 215 ^1805] ease and grandeur of the rich. My mind was however getting carnal and distracted from God, by so much com- pany, and so little prayer and reading. Somewhat re- stored by reading and learning the Epistle to the Romans, but alas ! I find it requires more exertion and communion with God, to maintain that due spirituality of mind, than I am using. I was a long time engaged in waiting to , because it w'as on a subject on w’hich I knew not my own mind ; it was about Lydia : after some delibe- ration, I ventured to request a correspondence wdth her ; but my heart felt submissive before God, how he should ordain it. 1 1 . After breakfast began to read Isaiah, being in great need of being quickened by God, and warned by ins word, and 1 found some life in the exercise of read- ing and prayer. We called on Mr. Cecil, with who.se conversation I was much struck and edified : after leav- ing him, I called on , and was exces.sively uneasy at the conversation between the female part of the com- ])any, which w^as entirely on the amusements of the w'orld. I was soon about to ask them if they had ever found happiness in these things, but coming in, we s])oke on a subject much more agreeable to me. When 1 left him, I seemed to feel again the pain of parting with Lydia, but I renewed the dedication of myself to God and his service : officiated at family worship, and w'as serious in prayer, which 1 am sure was a mercy I had no need to expect, after the levity and neglect of the day. But God is plenteous in good- ness, and rich in mercy. He dealeth not with us after our sins, neither rewardeth us after our iniquities. 12. Left London in low' spirits, partly from illness and partly from the dissipation of my thoughts from delight in God. During the whole journey, 1 was exceedingly stupid and heavy, generally thinking of Lydia : on my arrival I cried to God for deliverance from my present state of lukewarmness and irreligion, and found some little increase of spirituality after pray- ing. Strove to feel in prayer the awfulness of eternity, •316 JOURNAL. [1805 and of the work of the ministry. O that I may watch for souls, as one who must give an account. O that 1 may hear God’s trumpet sound, and warn souls, lest they should perish, and their blood be required at my hand. Would to God I was stirred up to feel the affec- tions of a minister. I was in some doubt whether I should send the letter to E , as it was taking a very important step, and 1 could scarcely foresee all the con- sequences. However I did send it, and may now be said to have eniraged invsolf to Lvdia. 13. (Sunday.) Rose in great self-abasement, and shame, and grief, at having no fruits of labour to offer to God tliis day. 1 was enabled most of tlie day to retain a spirit of watchfulness, perceiving the necessity of stirring up myself to a right mind. And in conse- quence, wliat used to make me uncomfortable, ap))eared very agreeable. I was plea.sed with the thought of being alone, exj)osed to tlie inclemencies of the weather, and deprived of eartbh' comforts, thinking I should be a gainer on the whole, by having more of the presence of God, and experiencing the power of Christ resting upon me. I prayed before sermon that God wouhl glorify liimsclf, and nut me, in the conversion of sinners, and in the first hymn at cimrch I was almost overcome with joy ; 1 hardly ever rememi)er to liave lasted such un- rnixefl deliglit. ‘ Thine earthlv sah!)aths, Lord, we love,’ was the hvnm. Oh, I thought, it is happy to pass on(‘’.s days in contention with the llesh, ami painful diligence, if it was otdy because they so much brighti'ii the hope and tlie prospect of glorv. Mr. Simeon preached on “ Ye cannot serve God and mammon, ’ in a most clear and powerful lUHnner. Found much etlifi- cation at night in reading some parts of the sermons ot that great man, .lonathan Fdwards, as 1 did of cpiick- cniijg in the morning from David Hrainerd. 14. A day of struggling with natural corruption, not operating in a way of gross sinfulne.ss, but inces- santly leading me away from God into vanity cares. Ry walking time I was become peevish, though JOURNAL. 1805 ] 217 * prayer at intervals in the morning had given me mo- mentary tranquillity. Continued diligently watching over my own frame, and striving to sooth it into com- fort and happiness by dependence on God. Catechized the children the whole afternoon, and by reason of standing in the cold and keeping them in order, I was excessively fatigued. Did little all the rest of the even- ing ; without prayer I should have sunk into great dejection, hut God by that still kept me in general with mv head above mine enemies round about. I had several little things to try my patience to-day, and my soul longed at first to depart, hut I saw it to he nobler to live out the troubles of life. 15. I was sorely tried this morning liy an unhappy sjiirit of distrust and anxiety, from which repeated prayer gave me only a temporary relief. I sat an hour with Mr. Simeon, who much reprobateil the idea of my being settled near or at Calcutta, as Mr. Brown or Buchanan would want me to take their places in the college, and I should he more than half a secular man. He said he wished me to be properly a missionary, one who should he quite dead to this Avorld and living for another. I thought of rny dear Lydia as he spoke thus, hut without regret, except that 1 had written that letter, for my inclination entirely coincided with Mr. Simeon’s opinions. Went to meet a person at whose house I had been entertained some years ago. There was a great deal of abuse of missionaries, esjiecially of those at Otaheite, and with all this there w;is of course a consi- derable number of (UTors asserted. Against all which the Lord enabled me to keep my ground and to hear testimony ; with the hihle in my hand and Christ at my right hand strengthening me, I can do all things. What though the world believe not, God ahideth true, and my hope in him shall he stedfast. Id. In my walk I was meditating on the subject of the sermon ; my desires were strong at this time, to he l)reaching to the gentiles, hut more from a sight of its wcellency, than love to Christ or souls. Could not JOURNAL. [1805 procure a right spirit this afternoon, longer than for a few moments after prayer. At times, when I had the feelings of one anxiously concerned to preach faithfully to souls, I was very happy, and my work was pleasant, but I have had very little of the presence of God to-day. Let me never rest quietly without it. 17 . Endeavoured to compose my mind to a right frame of seriousness, of indifference to the opinions of the world, and a solemn regard for souls. Hut I want more solitude and prayer, in order to maintain a sted- fast regaial to eternal things, and God’s presence. Preached at Trinity Church on John i. 14. the sermon was deficient in seriousness, and though I felt no desire to glorify myself, it did not seem as if God were speak- ing by me. Having but one pupil this term, I hope to be more at leisure for the work of the ministry, and that my God will give me grace to improve my opportunities with very great diligence, Tlie worldly conversation 1 am so much engaged in from day to day is very dead- ening. It is sweet indeed still to find God my hiding- place and my shield, but my thoughts wander from him in prayer for want of spiritual exercise. 18. Read in Edwards, and wrote on a subject. In my walk was thinking on “ Wilt thou be made whole,’’ After dinner ’s friends, with some others, took wine with me ; the conversation, though not much on religion, was interesting and learned. Had occasion to lament afterwards, a levity and unfeelingness of heart ; this is my constant error. I would that I were as Christ, holding myself in tender collectedness of mind, ready to do good, and always feeling a desire after it, 19. Had my temper greatly tried this morning. Almost the whole of my morning prayer was used to get rny spirit at peace. 20. (Sujulay.) Rose with my mind .serious and concerned for souls ; had power to keep the world out ot sight, almost as soon as it intruded ; from Cambridge to Lolworth I was enabled to pass my time in prayer, in the sweet, seriou.s, sedate sense of God’s presence. 1 JOURNAL. 1805 ] felt more of the missionary spirit than I have ever done, being willing at the time to run ; find pleasure in the thoughts of seeing no friend or companion any more, but of travelling about in the same inclement weather as now, preaching the kingdom of God to the most igno- rant. There appeared great glory and excellency in the work, and I longed to be conformed to Jesus Christ in it. Preached on Rom. vii. 18, heard the children at school, and called at several houses where the people had stayed at home on account of weather. One couple to whom I had been most kind, were pointedly disres- pectful ; such is the ingratitude of man, but I begin to learn by experience, how incorrigible and intractable he is. Yet I will not cease from warning every one, night and day. 21. Walked with W , and was tolerably under self-command. Passed the whole afternoon in cate- chizing, and was as before, greatly fatigued. After an hour of Thucydides with my pupil, I passed the remainder of the evening in meditation, on a subject of Scripture, and j)raycr, and was much assisted. In prayer cried for mercy, under a sense of my guilt and great danger. My whole soul went forth to take hold of Christ, and to keep nigh to him, lest I should perish. Went to bed with my flesh trembling for fear of God’s judgments. 22. Passed the morning in meditation on Job xxvii. 8 — 10. This afternoon a letter came from Mr. G. desiring me to sail for St. Helena in eight or ten days. Tlie suddenness of this call produced some perturbation of spirits. As I cannot be ordained priest till after the 18th of February, it is impossible to go so soon, but 1 think 1 shall go immediately after. 1 found great need of prayer for trantjuillity and composure of mind, and for an affectionate remembrance of these dear people I am about to leave, tliat my last discourses may be more spiritual and awakening than the former ; and also for preparation for death, that it may not come upon me unawares ; but that if 1 am summoned to the bur of judgment in the midst of the bustle of departure from JOURNAL. 2^0 [ms this country, my accounts may be all ready and right. Felt more persuaded of my call than ever, indeed there was scarcely a shadow of a doubt left. Rejoice, oh my soul, thou shall be the servant of thy God in this life, and then in the next for all the boundless ages of eternitv. 23 . Uncomfortable most of this day from a sense of mis-spent time. Walked out, with my soul toward God, and my thoughts much employed on my approaching departure. In the evening read a lesson in Ilindostanee, but found myself in great uneasiness from my utter un- profitableness. I cried to God for deliverance from this lukewarm, irregular state. Tlie reading of Col. i. im- mediately after, was applied to my heart and conscience. Went to , hoping there might be suitable conver- sation amongst us. But the utmost levity prevailed. 1 was not carried away with it at all, but 1 excited myself very little to promote suitable subjects. It is miserable living with men ; were I not commanded to seek my religion from God, and to find my Cf)mfort in his pre- sence and work, I should be very unhappy. 24 . Waited in the greatest expectation for a letti'r from Mr. Grant ; reading in the meantime the Hin- flostanee, but no letter came. Then read and prayed over Col. i. and ii. Alas ! how little do I know of ex- perimental rc'ligion ! luwv little am 1 inthienced In such spiritual motives as the apcjstle there incidcales. Walking in Christ .lesus is something verv different from what our reason would ever suggest, or is willing to give up to. May I know those evangelical mysteries. Ikissed the rest of the morning in nu-ditation on a sul)- ject tVjr a sermon. Spent the afternoon with some friends very delightfully. We sung some hymns with music. 1 felt much animated in dev(»tedness to the ser- vice of my God, t^specially in the missionary wf)rk. After an hour with my l)U])ii, wttnt to church, and was edified bv Mr. Simeon’s sermon on Rom. viii. 12. and felt greatly influenced to mortify the flesh, and to keep it under, especially its slothful inclinatiotis ; this world 5^ JOURNAL. 221 1805] § not the place to consult ease. Oh may 1 receive grace never to be in bondage to it, as I arn by nature. Saw the Mohawk after church, and was filled with pity to find he was going back from the goodness of God. 25. Rose early, and wrote sermon before breakfast, afterwards read Hindoostanee. Continued the whole morning in expectation of a letter , at last it came, and contained Mr. Grant’s urgent request that I might go in eight days, but I found it was illegal for the Bishop to ordain before twenty-four. I have been much under the influence of a light, vain spirit to-day, though my heart has been towards God, both in prayer and at other times. I longed to get near him, yet my wandering mind led me continually astray, and no spirituality re- mained an hour after prayer. I could use the most solemn prayer, and have the most solemn desires pass througli the mind, and yet rise with my thoughts instantly going on things about me, without any holy, spiritual grace. At night, it was rather l)etter. I found renewed profit in reading the latter part of the E})istle to the Tbessalonians, as I had in reading the first part in the morning. The epistles, particularly to the Ephe.sians, PJiilippians, Thessalonians, and Colossians, are very useful to my soul at present. At other times I take less pleasure in reading, but now it is my earnest desire to increas.; in spirituality and rest. 26. 'i'liis morning in praver, had verv clear views of eternitv, and of mv work on earth. I longed that 1 might not say t)ne word to men of myself, from mv own mind, but that God would put his own word into my mouth, that 1 might fi'cd his people with truly spiritual food. Was gi-nerally joyful in my walk. Till midnight, continued .slowly writing witli repeated intervals and dis- traction. The nearness of my departure, and the interest so many people take in it, tended to hara.ss my spirits, but I have found it particularly easy to-day to stay myself upon God, and so to be at peace. 27. (Sunday.) Preached at Trinity on Rom. vii. 18. I was in greater fear when I ascended the pulpit. 222 JOURNAL. 1805] than I ever reaiemher to have been ; but the moment I began to pray, all my fears vanished. Mr. Simeon pointed out the faults in my sermon afterwards, for it seems the lower people in general were not able to understand it. In my ride to Lolworth, - was a little dejected at not having preached intelligibly, and es- pecially as I feared I was ill calculated to instmet the poor ignorant heathen ; yet surely I can, if I am on my guard, for I seem to be able to instruct children. Preached at Lolworth, on Acts xx. 21. to an attentive congregation, I think with great plainness. Sat an hour after church, with a woman apparently dying. I talked a great deal to her, and concluded with prayer. Had much of God's presence on my return home. The'glory of heaven stirred me up to ])ress toward the mark, and I longed to be doing the Lord's work. Prayed at niglit with mv bed-maker. 28. Filled with shame, or rather with a conviction that 1. ought to be, at the waste of my time this morning in bed ; how abominable it is with my profe.ssion of re- ligion, to throw away those precious moments in which the rest of God’s people have been employed in early devotion. Walked with B. who told me there was dis- approbation with some people yesterday morning at my having preached instead of !Nlr. .Simetm. Thi.s made me a little unhappy, by the wound it gave to my pride. But may God, of his mercy, mortify this vile inmate of my heart, and teach me henceforth to be willing that »ny name should be cast out as evil, even by God’s people, anfl tliat God should have all the honour and glory. From dinner till supper, catechized the ehihlren. I cried unto the Lord in great unhappine.ss. I could profess to him that 1 was not di.s.>atisHed with his work or his commandments, Imt with my own folly and corruption, whereby my vanity is of power sulficient to draw my thoughts away from God, my best, my deare.st, my only portion. Felt an exceeding satisfaction at the rich word of Chri.st contained in the Kpi.stles, as 1 read (iaiatians at night. I have need to hunger and thirst alter JOURNAL. 223 1806] righteousness, for I am exceedingly empty. What a happy soul should I be were I quite crucitied to the world. 29. In my walk, was chiefly thinking on subjects for the evening. In the afternoon, wrote to S , ex- pressing high things, such as ardour in the work before me, and joy in God. May I never falsify these profes- sions. Passed some time in prayer profitably, going over, before God, the substance of the things I meant to say to-night, praying to have them wrought into my own heart. Just before I began, the desire of my heart to God was, that I might speak with exceeding tenderness and spirituality. When I went away, my mind was calm, and thankful, and fit for other service. 30. With much painful conviction of my constant unprofitableness, I had sometimes drawings of heart towards God. This morning, read Hindoostanee gram- mar, and meditated on a subject ; heard a sermon at St. Mary’s ; read and prayed over the three first chapters of Ephesians, with some comfort and spirituality. In my walk, meditated stili on .sermon. Dined at Mr. Bates’ with Mr. Simeon, &c. serious and collected on going amongst them, though I had no opportunity for prayer l)efore. The conversation there was agreeable and s])iritual, and 1 thought myself in pretty good order, but on recollecting the pride and vanity, the want of love and every thing good, I have cveiy reason to abhor myself in dust and ashes. Mr. Simeon told me on going away, that he supposed I should not go for nine or ten weeks ; this rather displeased me. I cried to God for deliverance from mv discontented, unholy spirit, and obtained some relief. Read Ephesians with some comfort, with Grotius, but most of the time thinking on 1 Cor. xxiii. 24. How manv tempers like the Devil have I ! particularly pride, thinking well of myself, in spite of tlie clearest convictions of reason and experience ; fmd such petulance ; it is well if God through his mercy break my proud self-will by contradiction ; I am con- strained to acknowledge the greatness of his jiationce "'ith such a wretched creature. 224 JOURNAL. [1805 3 1 . After passing the first part of the morning in prayer, with first of Philippians I sat with Mr. Simeon conversing on chap. i. 23, 24. Finding myself in great stupidity, I took up the Hindoostauee grammar, that the time might not pass away without any profit. While walking, my soul longed after conformity to God, and to be helped to do something in his service. Deter- mined with myself, if nothing prevented, to devote to-morrow to prayer; the prospect sweetened my soul a little. Thought a long while at night on 1 Cor. i. 23, 24. but coidd not begin to write. I am miserable while I .see the time hasting away and nothing of it redeemed. Feh. 1 . Was much at a loss this morning to know whether I ought to devote this day to prayer or not. I felt disposed to tlie former, hut con.sidered that it woidfl be impossible tf) prejiare a sermon for Trinity as I liad promised. Read and prayed with Phil. ii. and iii. witii profit. Oh, God’s word is precious to me at this time. Wrote a little on 1 Cor. i. 23, 24. with great slowness and difficulty. In prayer after dinner, my heart, winch liad been (juite wandering, was restored to a spirit of serious- ness, and a desire to he employed with some effect in the work of the ministry. Went to C. and sat with him an hour. In prayer in one part of it, the S|)irit of God seemed to lireathe on mv soul, in an especial man- ner, as I have experienced it a few limes of mv life. After being with pupil, \vei»t to a class and sjioke on .Job xxvii. S — 10. O let me not be found a praying and preaching hypocrite at the last. 4'hey .seemed to be nmch affected. 2. Again had the painful refiection of liaving wasted time in bed, through indulgence tf) the llesh. God is still mercifully pleased to send down his Holy Spirit, notwithstanding my poor prayers to him. Read .Jinlges and Colossians. Walked with B. with my spirit a little more guarded than u.sual. I came; with grief and shame to the throne of grace, confessing liow much time 1 could find for comparative trifle.s, such a.s .sleeping, walk- JOURNAL. 225 ^1805] ing, reading newspapers, and yet so little time for God. My soul was a little restored. I longed, as in most of the prayers at night of late, that I could entirely forget this world, the things of which do so constantly turn away my thoughts from God. Continued writing most of the evening, hut interrupted by a long train of reflec- tions on my solitary tour in Wales, and the sort of life which awaits me. The flesh shrinks at times, but I do not regret having resigned the world. No, far from it. Life is but a short journey, a little day, and then if I be faithful unto death my gracious reward will begin. 4. Kept stricter watch over my spirit this day in general, and found the benefit of it. Found the presence of God in prayer this morning composing my mind into seriousness and solemnity. I tried for some time to drive away all levity in my frame as soon as it appeared, and to seek for the unction of the Holy One. Was exceedingly delighted with a sermon on sanctuary blessings, in the ‘ American Preacher.’ Here again I found it necessary to repress such lively feelings, and by that means tasted a purer joy. Wrote a very little on 1 Cor. i. 23, 24. In my walk I was helped to keep my mind in sobrjety and regard to God, though amid many temptations to the contrary. 1 thought I observed some contemptuous disregard towards me to-day. It was comfortable to reflect, that it was for the name of Christ. In the afternoon catechised the children. About to be dispirited at my constant backslidings, but for a clear and heart-reviving view of the fulness of grace, which is in Christ ; to him I came, and found refreshment and strength. 5. C. stayed so late this morning, that I had no time except to write a letter. I was enabled, however, to stay upon God by faith, feeling assured he would keep my soul in peace, and instruct me how- to perform my public duties. In my walk endeavoured to think on a subject for the evening, as also at dinner-time. I spoke on the latter part of 2 Thess. xi. but though I had tolerable fluency, had none of that unction which much Q 226 JOURNAL. [ 1805 ^ communion with God produces. So in prayer, I had much power, but T am persuaded it was entirely animjil, for T had no clear views of God’s excellency ; did not rise more humbled, but just the contrary, nor with my soul breathing after holiness, for I was disposed to be as light as before ; till at last a great sense of guilt arose in my mind, on account of the little solemn impression left by the late religious exercise. Was again disposed to dejection and departure from God, but I have learnt where my strength lieth, I know that my necessities should only lead me to Jesus, who never turns away those who come to him for help. 6. Collected passages from the prophets, predictive of the future glory of the church; but not having any specific subject to meditate on, my thoughts went mucli astray, and I was more uncomfortable than when my mind was oppressed by excess of cai'e. In the evening 1 found my soul in great need of deliverance from a lukewarm state, and by prayer wa.s brought to more serious self-recollection. Alas ! so much communication with men is very prejudicial to me, for 1 cannot enjoy God without more solitude, and oh, how wretched is tl\e best society when the mind is unfitted for God. Were I to stay any time longer at the university, I should be bound by conscience and inclination to refuse invitatimis of this sort. Alas ! how much more profitably might all this precious time be spent, either in prayer, or study, or visiting some poor souls. I recollected among the sin.s of this day, having neglected an opportunity of conversation with a man whom I met on the road, merely through disinclination. How vain is all my supposed delight in the glory of the church, if 1 do not exert my.self for individual souls. Learnt that a man- date might very likely l)c procured for me, for taking a B, D. degree ; this would require the agreement of all the heads, and then a grace to pass the senate, before the petition could be presented to the King : all which will tend to give a publicity to my affair, which would be a trial to me. But while my God vouchsafes his , 1805] JOURNAL. ‘227 grace to my soul, by which I can in prayer rise far be- yond the confusion of worldly things, I need not much fear the influence of distracting vanities. 8. Began my farewell sermon, and wrote till the time of walking, and was engaged in the subject with my mind at peace. In the afternoon, for want of more prayer and solitude, my conversation with my pupil was vain and inconsistent with the gravity and sweetness of the gospel. Afterwards, I came to God, having no plea but his own mercy in Christ, and found the Lord to be gracious, plenteous in goodness and tnxth,for he restored my soul in a good measure. The subject of God’s promises respecting the future glory of the church, on which 1 was at work, was exceedingly animating to me. I left off very unwillingly at a late hour, and longed to prosecute the subject on the mor- row, I cannot imagine to myself how things could be differently ordered, so as to be more for God’s glor)^ or more delightful to my soul. The nature of his pro- mises, and the language in which they are expressed, are all such as I should suppose worthy of God, and are certainly more agreeable to my mind than 1 can think they would otherwise be. 9. An unhappy day to me for want of more solitude and prayer. I cannot live one happy hour without more or less communion with my God. What is this world, what is religious company, what is any thing to me w'ithout God ? They become a bustle and a crowd when I lose sight of him. The most dreary wilderness would appear paradise with a little of his presence. How I long to be left alone, that my thoughts might wait upon God without any distraction. Began the day with tolerable comfort, both in reading, prayer, and writing. But from twelve to twelve at night, was scarp^ly at all alone. Was unexpectedly obliged to go to — , at supper, without having time to prepare my soul by prayer, and the consequence w’as, as was to be expected, when I might have attempted to give the con- versation a religious turn, I felt a foolish and sinful fear Q 2 JOURNAL. 228 1805 ], of giving offence. The conversation was literary. Came away with much pain. 10. C continued with me till three quarters of an hour before church, which time I spent principally in prayer, of which indeed I stood greatly in need. After dinner, feeling much dejection, went to prayer ; at first in great darkness, but soon the Lord poured out his Spirit in rich abundance, and brought liglit, and joy, and comfort into my soul. There is nothing in the Weak words w'e can use, so astonishingly to change the frame of the heart, but God fulfils his promises of being found of those that seek him. At church in the after- noon, my heart at times was full. The kind expression of Christian regard I received from a young jiersun who was leaving Cambridge, and cxjiected to see me no more, was very pleasing to me. 11. Another unprofitable day. Oh the misery of so much conversation with creatures. I would rather he buried for ever from the sight of man in a wilderness, than to be constantly with him. Heh. i. and ii. was my portion this morning; the rest of the morning was spent in calls. After dinner, catechized the children two hours and a quarter; from them to my pupil ; then C. came and staid till ten o’clock. In great vexation I tried till midnight to get something done, hut wrote very little. 12. Breakfasted with C , but my mind was so uneasy for want of spiritual duties, that I could not say any thing at all. Afterwards on reading Hebrews, and prayer, my peace and comfort returned. I endeavoured to put myself simply into the hands of God, prayed that 1 might be taught of the Spirit to feed the church of God. C stayed with me again ; he has been a great trial to my mind since he has been here, but how foolish am I to be deprived of my peace of mind by the presence of another ; no one can hinder the range of the spirit. Oh, may it ever dwell near my God. Oh, may the Lord help me steadily to enjoy that peace which passeth all understanding. 13 . I sought of God in prayer a spiritual fraiAe, and 1805 ] JOURNAL. 229 particularly desired I might not use the word of God deceitfully, enthusiastically, or hypocritically this even- ing, as I felt myself in danger of doing. The Lord mercifully poured out upon me a spirit of prayer and supplication at this time, so that I continued nearly an hour in fervent supplication, chiefly in a contrite sense of my shameful lukewarmness, and hardness of heart towards Christ ; talked with a long time, about the glory of the Christian warfare ; with great con- ceit, as I perceived afterwards by my distance from God. Yet he mercifully restored me to a more self-abasing spirit. The rest of the evening I wrote pretty freely a sermon for to-morrow night. Blessed be God for ena- l)ling me to do any thing at all for his glory. 1 4 . With some elevation of spirit above the vain world, I preached on 1 Cor. i. 23, 24, but felt not very well sat- isfied afterwards. I was afraid it was not plain enough for the poor people, and that my sermons were little to the heart, and too much in generals. After supper found groat comfort in approaching to God in j)rayer, and a swec't return of precious thoughts of eternity. Oh, why am 1 not more a man of prayer ? How the Lord encourages me to ])ray, by soon giving me his presence, when 1 have been seeking him but a verv little. 15. Passed the evening in conversation about the mis.sion, and the nature of tlie difficulties I should meet with on board the ship. But none of these things move me at present. 10. The last unprofitable day of an unprofitable week. Almost the whole morning was broken up, and in j)rivate duties I was little comforted ; but it is not fervour that will keep the soul alive, withoxit long and continued communion with God. After dinner had much seriousness in prayer, and wishctl for nothing but to be doing the work of Christ, and went in this frame to visit the woman and her son. The jroom w’as so exceedingly offensive, that I could scarcely endure it for an instant, yet by care I was able to continue for about half an hour. 230 JOURNAL. [1805 , I felt at times this evening a dislike to all God’s work. I was vexed wdth my miserable self, and discon- tented with every thing that lay in futurity. But in prayer I cried to God to be delivered from my worldly, luke- warm, and idle state, and I rose more humble. My very soul groans at such a life ; nothing done for God or my soul to any good purpose. C told me I was far above the comprehension of people in general. Nothing pains and grieves me more than this, for 1 had rather be a preacher of the gospel among the poor, and to the poor, so as to be understood by them, than be any thing else upon earth. Would to God my soul were quite dead to this wretched world, the outward things of which do continusilly plague and distract me. 17. (Sunday.) Somewhat oppressed this morning, from a sense of m}'^ unfitness and unacceptableness to a poor congregation. However, I was in no great danger from a vain wandering mind, for I felt base, and worth- less, and unfit to be among God’s people. It was suit- able, and comfortable to me, to read the penitential sentences at tlie beginning. Preached at Lolworth on 1 Cor. i. 23, 24, and my heart towards the last was filled with the truest fervour. When I began to .say, “ And we now preach to yon Christ crucified,” and to exhort them to come to him, the Spirit seemed to fill my heart ; I never felt a stronger conviction of the truth of the gospel. The people were very attentive. Called on the sick woman, and prayed by her ; my heart was joyful in my ride home. At clmrch in the evening, at tlie first hymn was affected to tears, with a .sense of God’s love, and the happiness I enjoyed in his favour, and so in a less degree tlie rest of the service. 18. My birthday ; but I have been able to make few profitable reflections on it. Morning prayer brought me to seriousness and steadiness ; meditation and prayer on Heb. xi. were delightful to me. After dinner cate- chized children. At night the Lord mercifully assisted me much in my studies. Especially in preparing to 1805] JOURNAL. 231 speak on Hebrews iv. 3, and Rev. xxii. 1 1 . Yet this heart is vain, and proud, and alas, it is not near to God. But let me praise his holy name, for having brought me to the end of my 24th year in safety. May the world never have occasion to mourn at my hirth-day. 19. Passed the morning in reading, prayer, and meditation, on Heh. ii. 3, and Rev. xxii. 11, with my mind generally impressed with a solemn sense of duty. In my walk, was thinking with great sallies of joy and delight, on the glorious work which lay before me, of carrying happiness to the benighted heathen. But 1 endeavoured to moderate the outward expressions of joy, that it might be more pure and lasting. After dinner I souglit to solemnize my mind by prayer, and passed half an hour in the exercise. Read and prayed with my bed-maker at night. O my soul, be more serious and holy. The work of God is my husi- ne.ss, and the more I attend to it, the more easy and satisfying it is to me. 20. Rose early, and found it long before my mind was solemnized to any seriousness in prayer. At lenglh however it was, and I felt some sobriety of spirit. 21. Walked to Drayton, about five miles off, to see a wonTan who attends Lolworth church. On the road 1 had little of the presence of God, hut was kept from wandering farther, by learning some Scripture by heart. After dinner visited . 1 tried to keep near to God by continual ejaculations to him, as I went along the streets, but nothing can make up for the want of stated prayer. In the evening, after my heart had been going farther still from God, so that 1 could not read, I betook myself to prayer when alone, and oh, hoNv great is the mercy that the Lord lets -me come nigh him by an ordinance so simple. How wonderful that it should be made the means of bringing me to that spirituality and peace which the utmost efforts of reason could not do without it. The rest of the evening wrote a farewell sermon. 232 JOURNAL. [1805, 22. Being excessively tempted to worldliness, I found blessed help in prayer, so that with my pupil, my deportment was serious and Christian beyond my expec- tations all the rest of the evening ; a great many hours I spent in considering what is meant by the presence of God, vet went to bed not much dissatisfied. 23. Employed in writing on Rev. iii. 20 : 1st Epistle of Peter was still very profitable .to my soul. Having had occasion to think on death as near, from having an oppression on my lungs, I could repose with a solemn quietness on the blessed God. In my walk felt some tenderness in my heart for soids. How easy 1 tliought, and pleasant is the exercise of my ministry, to what it might be and will be hereafter. 24. (Sunday.) Riding home from Lolworth, I was enabled to be in prayer much of the time. I was labouring to feel an entire indifference to all created comforts, even to be contented to be without the ovfll- nances. I wanted to feel myself as having notliing on earth to do but to work for God, and as having to expect no comfort but communion with God, I endea- voured to realize my future life as a missionary, to ask whether I could be satisfied at resigning for ever all pleasing .societv, to roam about a «losert looking for ■ people to preach to, and to wait upon thefti, patiently enduring their scorn and ill treatment. My heart did not at all shrink from it, l)ut on the contrary, improved atid embraced it. It has been in general a blessed day. Read and prayed with li at night. 25. Rose with my mind uncomfortable and unbeliev- ing, but by prayer recovered a little of heavenly-min- dedness and resignation. The whole morning pas.sed away in business, in which God mercifully kept nu; in great calmness and unconcern about worldly things. Called on Dr. Milner, the Master, and Cotton, about the Mandate Degree, as the heads were to meet to-day. Drew up a skeleton for this evening, and walked a little in tiie court in great tranquillity of mind. After dinner catechized the children, and presently after, J805] JOURNAL. 233 went to tea at P.’s Read the latter part of Acts viii. On my taking occasion from Philip’s seeing the Eunuch no more, to speak of my short fellowship, some were in tears. Much of the rest of the evening passed in reading Hindoostanee, during which time I wounded my conscience by not approaching God in prayer, which I foolishly delayed to a later hour. Oh, why do I suffer my heart to stay away a moment from God, the fountain of living waters : why do 1 not fear him who hath power to cast both soul and body into hell ? How much do I want to have the fear of God before my eyes. 26. Had intended to devote this morning to prayer, l)ut this mandate business kept me out of doors all the time. Began to meditate after breakfast, on Heb. xi. 13 — 16, with some pleasure, as it has generally been a blessed subject, but I made little advance. Called on the Master, the Registrar, the Vice-Chancellor ; in my walk met , and continued with him till dinner. My heart burned with pain and vexation at his perni- cious errors. I talked very plainly, and with a full heart, of the freeness of the gospel salvation. I pray God he may be enlightened to perceive it. Though I was very warm, 1 said nothing that I am aw'are of that could offend him, or that appeared to do it. In the afternoon went to see a poor young woman, who, after a life of sin, appears to be now' in a dying state, though only seventeen ; she was in too much pain to attend to me much, and so I withdrew, affected almost to tears, l)artly from pity to her, but more from a sense of the grace of God, and the preciousness of that gospel com- mitted to my trust. With my pupil in our worldly studies, I had that same turn of mind I so often fall into with him ; a quarter of an hour’s prayer after this*, hardly restored my mind to a proper tone, yet when I went at the appointed hour to the same poor creature, It was with some inward tenderness. A lady, ignorant of the true w'ay of salvation, was with her {dl the while f was there, and so 1 could only explain the way to 234 JOURNAL. [180^ Christ so as to suit both, without any thing particular to her. 27 . Nothing will compensate for the want pf close walking with God, and private fervent prayer. After an hour with my pupil, I supped with him, and was much enlivened and cheered by Christian company, yet my soul thirsteth after the living God. At night in prayer, I had much tenderness and contrition of spirit ; how I longed to have it always as I ought : I groaned because I was in a body which kept my soul from God, and constantly hurried my thoughts from him to earth. Went to bed with fervent desires for grace and deliver- ance from the bondage of corruption. 28. The whole of the morning I was employed iri calling on the Master, and Cotton, and assembling the seniors, who con.sented to let my grace come before tlic senate. I was a long time in the senate-house, and was about to have niv grace read before tlic dissolution of the congregation, when most of the caput objected to tiie shortne.ss of the notice. I thought it prudent to withhold my grace, and give timely notice. Called next on the public orator, who wanted a congregation as well as myself. At last I got home, and after j)ass- ing some time in prayer, got rid of earthly cares and per|)lexities. Going out as I thought, to enjoy iljo pre- .sence of God, I met with , witli whom 1 was obliged to walk, his hea 14. Went down to Cambridge; on the road had tw'o or three seasons of prayer, with the presence of God ; tlie latter part of the way 1 had an opportunity of de- claring the awd'ul truths of scri])ture, to some gay men on the top of the coach. On my arrival, I felt happy in communion w'ith God. 15. Was very dull with a cold, and in prayer seemed to get little good, but in looking up to God for his sure mercy, that he would revive my soul, and keep me near him, I found returning peace. After dinner, sat with Mr. , with whom I had a long conversa- tion. I explained my motives with all sincerity, hut in vain. So impossible is it to approve myself to men \miversally ; but oh, while my record is on high, wlVde 1 desire the heart-searching God should be privy to my ihotiglits, and direct my conduct, it matters little if men condemn. sat with me some time ; 1 found less satisfaction in his ^'ie^v.s than ever, Ifis evil seems to he, if any thing can be so called, an exce.ss of charity; yet withal, he is deeply humble and serious ; and to bis direction, under God, I ow’e it, that I am not now a worldling. We parted as for ever. God bless him, and preserve him to Iiis heavenly kingdom. 16. Went to London ; at times I was engaged in prayer with some fervour, and then I was happy ; near- ness to God diffused a sw'eet peace over my mind. But the greater part of the time, slothfulness prevailed to keep me from effectual fervent prayer. 17. (Sunday.) Left London, in order to get to Ockham in time, so early, that I had not time for prayer all the way there, twenty-five miles ; 1 was uneasy for 240 JOURNAL. [1805 want of communion with God. Immediately after my arrival, went to church, when I preached on 1 Tim. i. 15. The subject was soothing to my own disordered spirit, and some old people there seemed much affected. After church, I obtained a little time for prayer, but not enough to attain to much spirituality. After dinner, my soul drew near to God, and breathed freely forth to him holy desires. 18. At night, in prayer, I longed to forget the world, and to be swallowed up in entire devotion tr) God, to live always unto him, and went to bed so happy and peaceful in this frame, that 1 felt very sorry thal sleep would interrupt it, and would be likely to leave me in a different state in the morning. 19. I prayed very earnestly that 1 might be kept from that levity, into wliicii I fell so repeatedly, in the course of the day. Employed in Hindostanee till 1 went to Gilcliri.>t, from whom I returned rather dis- couraged at my want of progress. I was je’pine for want of reading and prayer, but the Lord heljHMl me to check and restrain the babbling tongue. Found the pre.senee of God again, botii before and after dinner, in prayer, but this seems to me to be merely keeping ni\ ground without advancing. O may the Lord keep nie .safe, amid the dangers which surround me. I mu>i have double watchfulness to employ my time aii the city with tolerable peace of mind, leaving it with the Lord to help and instruct his wretched creature in holy things, in which my shallow knowledge might well make me to he a.shamcd, and tremble to try tf» teach others. Mo.stot the rest of the evening I was writing more freely; and one half hour particidarly, my spirit got disentangled from its sin and misery, and enjoyed the presence, ot God in pray«r. 21. Rend Hindoo.stanee, till I wont to Gilchrist, where I continued till one. On my mentioning to JOURNAL. 1805] 241 Gilchrist my desire of translating some of the scriptures with him, he advised me by all rnean.s to desist, till 1 knew much more of the language, by having resided some years in the country. He said it was the rock on which missions had split, that they had attempted to write and preach, before they knew the language. The Lord’s prayer, he said, was now a common suljject of ridievde with the pcojde, on account of the manner in which it had been translated. All these arc useful hints to me. • 22. Both in private, and especially in family prayer, 1 was solemn and serious. Meditation on Acts xx. seemed to form my mitid to blessed spirituality. Read Benson’s ‘ Life of Mr. Fletcher,’ and seemed to enter a little into the spirit of that extraordinary man, which I did not, scarcely at all, when 1 last read an account of him. I longed that all the powers of the soul might be awakenefl to praise and adore flod. Called on , and felt muei\ Inirt at his late neglect ; a sense of un- kindness pained me. Why do 1 look even to saints for my happiness ; they are able to wound the feelings of their brethren even as others. But there is one who sticketh closer than a brother. Oh that 1 may love Christ more ! . What can the world give me in com- parison of him ! while I have him for my friend and portion, aiid a bright eternity in view, let me lie con- tented to be sliglited, .scorned, and cast out by all men. 23. My thoughts were far from being spiritual, yet from fatigue, witii so much intercourse with the world, and so little with Ckal, my spirit rose easily, without effort almost, to heaven, .seeking repose. 24. At home, it jdea.sed (Jod, in the riches of his grace, to manife.st his love to me, the chief of sinners, in private prayer ; so gracious is Cod in his way.s, and .sovereign in till he doc.s. When 1 could least of all have expected it for my unprofitableness, then he vi.sited my .'ioul. Oh how .shall this .soul ever acknowledge the mercy, the a.stonishing grace of Cod ! ‘ \ 25. Came to London bv the coach. Through the 242 JOUtlNAL. [1805 cold, keeping iny body in an uncomfortable state, I was little disposed to stir myself to communion with God. But alas, this is little of exercise for a missionary life. 26. Rose earlier than of late, and in prayer was able to feel soinevxhat of jny misery and corruption, by na- ture and |>ractice. Oh the perfect, the unceasing, the undeviating service, that ought to he rendered to God ! hut I am doing scarcely any thing. 27. 'rritled a good deal to-day. Oh how do I long for a riglit state, when mv soul shall for ever glorify God in the perfection of holiness. May the Lord me?'- cifully ])our out his ^Spirit on me, that I may weep for myself, and the |)eople round me, and ht* able to leave the distracting vanities, which unfit m\ mind for pro- fitable exei’cise.s, to live in unceasing e'luimunion with God. 2V . Walked with li in a vain, trifling, uneasv frame. But ,1 could n<4 stay in tlli^ frame long, and foiitid liie benefit of prayer in deliwring nu’ from if. lindeavoured to preiuire myself l»v communion witli ( fod for the company 1 was going into. Dined at O.'s, to meet Sir \N illi.un Young. .Viler diniu'r 1 liad a good deal of conversation w ith , and had an ojtjjortunifi of declaring many important religious truths. Yet ( came away gj;ieved. as I eoidd not hut hie at the sliig- gisluies.s anti want of /.e;d in me, as well us at the general infulelitv aisd scora rjf religion in the liiglu'r I’ircies ol' society. At nigtit, found the evil eoii.se(iuem'e.s of sucli a life as 1 have hei-n iis'iding of late, and tiie general want of solitudi; ; for tiiere was a maiiilest strangeness in i.iv lliougiits to eternal things ; hut through the rie h mercy (d' God, mv lieart is heaveuwan!. The more I see of grandeur, the more 1 am disgusted with it ; I cannot help shu of the mi.ssionary life, to all it.s ph a.^ures. 30. The whole morning [)assesp( 1 only to excite a Iran-ieni. ])lea--urc in p( opU', but in the bumble hope that God will g!oril\ bimxdf, by a])plying it to the con- version of sinners. ()!i that I coidrl forget self entirely, and give all honour :md glory to G<)d, even as 1 hope to do ill heaven. in the iulei val betwet n morning and afternoon service, 1 ])ravt:d and ipis j'arer! myself a little ; but the world, and a rt'gard to t'ne oj/mions ot j)er)ple, seemed to iiiiid down my niiseralile spirit. Head and preached in the aft. moon, on .b>hn iv. 10. Mr. Cecil said a great deal to me on ib.c nccussitv of gaining the atten- tion of the jicople, of idling \siih more viarmth and earnestness. I feel wounded a little, at tindiiig my.self to liave failed in so nianv things, yet 1 succeeded in coming down to the dust, ;>nd received gladly the kind advice of wi e filends. At niglil I was ratVier discou- raged, thinking J .should do no better, yet my .soul had more of the holv presence of God, and I went into the pulpit with composure, and more concern for immortal souks tlian in general ; I preached to a very large audi- ence on 2 Cor. v. 20, 21 : there was great attention. What danger am I in from public ministrations ! Oh that 1 could still be alone in private with God, even when speaking in piddic. It e 2H JOUKSAl.. [ / SOo April 1. Had much solemnity brought on, seem- ingly by repeating the xxth of Acts, as soon as I awoke. The effect of that passage is truly astonishing. I had intended to devote this morning to prayer, but 1 went out after breakfast, and was absent six hours about my business. Went to Lord Hawkesbury’s oHice, but being too earl)', I went into St. James’s Park, and sat down on a bench to read my Bible. After a little time a person came and sat on the same l)ench ; on entering into conversation witli him, I found he bad known better days ; be was about seventy years of age, and of a very passionate and disaj)])()inte(l spirit. lie spoko scnsiblv on .several subjects, and was ac(juainted with the gospel, but was otl’ended at my reminding him of .several things concerning it. On my offering him some money, which 1 saw he needed, he confessed his pova rtv; he was thankful for my little donati<)n. and 1 repealed niy advice of’. seeking divine consolations. 2. Breakfastermed to bis image. .3. After dinner |)assed some time in prayer, and rejoiced to think that (iod wotdd filially glorify liiiuselt, whatever hindrance may arise for a time ; going to Mr. (Irant’s, I found that the chaplaincies liad been agreed to, after two hour’s debate, and .some (diloipiy thrown upon Mr. (Irani Ity the cliairman, for his connexion with Mr, Wilberforce, and l/ios«; peop/f. Mr. (1. said that though my nomination had not taken place, the ca.se was now beyond ilanger, ami tliat 1 should appear before the court in a couple of days in my canonicals. 1 felt very indignant at this, not so much I think from JOURNAL. 245 ^ 1805 ] personal pride, as on account of the degradation of my office. Mr. G. pleasantly said, I must attend to my appearance, as 1 should be much remarked, on account of the person who iiad nominated me. I feel this will be a trial to me, wh’ch I would never submit to for gain, })ut I rejoice that it will be for my dear and Idessed Lord. 4. Went down to Cambridge ; by being stirred up every now' and then to meditate and pray, 1 was enabled to ])ass the hours* of travelling with contentment. At night was at church, when almost for the first time, I observi'd Mr. Simeon’s manner, find conceived great admiration of him as a j)reacher ; sup])ed with him alone afterwards, ho prayed before I went away, and my iieart was solemnly atfected. (!. Passed most of the morning in the fellows' gar- den, it was the last time 1 visited this favourite retreat, where I luive often enjoyed the presence of God. 7. 'Sunday.) Preached at Lolworth on Prov. xxii. 17 ; verv few seemed atfected at my leaving them, and those chietlv women. An old farmer of a neighl)Ouring jiarisii, as he was taking leave of me, ttirncd asitle to slaal tears ; this atfected me more than atiy thing. Rode awav with mv heart heavy, partly at my own corruption, l)artly at the thoughts of leaving this ]ilacc in such gene- ral hardness of lieart. Yet so it hath pleased (iod, 1 hope, to reserve them for a more faithful minister ; prayed over the whole of mv sc'iimm for the evening, ainl when 1 came to preach it, (>od assisted me beyond my hopc.s ; most of tlie younger pi'Ojile seemed to be in tears, the text was ‘2 Sam. vii. 28, 29. Took leave of Or. Milner, he was much affected, and said himself his heart was full. Mr. Simeon commended me to God in prayer, in which he pleaded among other things, for a richer blessing on mv soul. He perceives that 1 want It, and so do I. Professor Parish walked home with *ne to the college gate, and there 1 parted from luju, with no small sorrow. 8. My young friends in the university who have scarcely left me a moment to myself, were with me this 246 JOURNAL. [1805 morning as soon as I was moving, leaving ino no time for prayer. My mind was very solemn, and I wished much to be left alone. A great many accompanied me to the coacli, which took me up at the end of the town ; it was a thick misty morning, so the university, with its towers and spires, was out of sight in an instant. Arrived in town late. 10. Grieved at night that I could not serve God better. O Lord, have morev on thy emitiire ; stir him up to live by faith, to tight tlie good tight of faith, to hi- diligent in j)leading with (rtxl for his grace, and using the means of improvenient. 12. Rose earlv, as it was (Jood Friday, and passed above an liour in praver with great heiu lit. 1 was led to pray for humility, and a tender spirit, wliieh (iod gave; thus I tind ever\' degree of diligiuns' is rev, ;irded. .Man\ little slights to-day. and the (■on:'eipien(a " of ni\’ own ignorance tended to huinidc me, and I de-ired it slnnild he so, for in no >iate is UiV '■oid so of Ins grace, to ([uasli at once all mv bcgint/mg'. -u’ entanglement. Oh may it be to make tne more entirely his own. “ The Lord shall he tiu- portion of mine inheritance, and of my cup.” (4h Uiay 1 live indee d a more sjviritual life of faith! Praved that 1 might obtain a more deep ae- (]uaintance with tlu' mxsteries of the gospel, and tlie othews of Clirist ; mv sou! was soU inni/.eii. Went to Russel S(|uare, and found from Mr. Grant that I was that day apj)ointed a eh.iplain to the Last India Com- pany ; but that mv ])artleular destination wonld depend on the governnumt in Indi.a : rather mav I sav that it dej)env the time it was rcad\ , 248 JOURNAL. [1805 but the Lord did not sow oaks in this way. On my saying that perhaps I should never live to see much fruit ; he answered, I should have a hirds-eye view of it, which would be better. When I spoke of the oppo- sition that I should be likely to meet w’ith, he said, he supposed Satan would not love me for what 1 was about to do. The old man prayed afterwards with sweet sim{)licity. Drank tea at C. Our hearts seemed full of the joy which comes from the communion of saints. 26. !Met D at Mr. Grant's, a!ul was much affected at some marks of love expressed by the people at Cambridge, at the time of my leaving them ; he said, that as 1 was going down the aisle, tliey all rose up to take their last view. 28. Went to Air. Cecil’s. to tea, he was verv striking as usual in his observations, ami 1 sat contented to be despised, as I deserve, saying nothing to the purpose, though under all this there was much pride lurking. At night read. Mr. C. preached on godlv sorrow w(trk- cth repentance," &c. it was a most able sermon, power- fully engaged the attention ; and yet 1 cannot .say iny feelings are devoutly affected by this sort of preaebing ; at night, at home I enjoyed peace and i-omfort, and our conversation was pleasant ami j)rof)table. 29. Hose in imich dejection ; fearing that I should never be of use in the ministry, and moreover that I sltould prove an un.steady character in India, for 1 lind the si-eds of a roving temper in me ; yet in prayer 1 was brouglit to trust in the Lord, to commit my way unto him, to feel that now was the time t(> rejoice in faith, when the cloudy and dark day was Cfuning. Some of tin* pro- mises in Isaiah were unspeakably rich. When I get near to God without any partieidar diligence, I suppose some one iia.s Inam praying for me. At night, in the midst of great lukewarmness, grace was often in exer- ci.se, teaching me to delight in the prosj)ect of serving God, and the permission of being with him, coming to him, and receiving, out of tlje fulness cT Christ, “ grace for grace.” •lOURNAL. 249 1805] May 1. Wrote sermon at night, till late, and was much assisted in it, my heart was affected, and my mind so active, that I could get little sleep. 2, Went down to Mitcham ; the noise, and carriages, and people in the streets,' had no power to divert my attention, for I was determined to be in earnest. At night, in my room, read Timothy with deep anxiety ; could have gladly staid up all night, reading and praying, in the views of the work of the ministry, and my want of preparation for it. Retired to bed in a devoted spirit. Yes, though the flesh is necessarily lulling me with sloth, though 1 must truly say, that my flesh is full of all ini(iuity ; my heart acknowledges no love hut that of (lod ; 1 could not, 1- would not lie happy, without being altogetlier his, and emploved in his scryice forever. 3. Hose in much the same spirit ; there was nothing on earth that seemed worth my notice one moment, but liiliouring lor the salvation of precious souls. Walked a little in the grounds, and had much sober jov in the prospect of the time, when the wilderness shovdd be made like Kden. Through neglect of retirement for prayer, my minil was in its natural state, and conse- (juently much pained the life of Brainerd ;' and all my sorrows, path of peace. at night. Ah! my soul, is this Oh let me learn from all my joys, that keeping close to God is the 4. Waited this morning on the Archbishop of (Canterbury at Lambeth Palace. He had learnt from somebody my circumstances, the degree 1 hatl taken, and my object in going to India. He s|)oke nnich on the importance of the work, the small ecclesiastical esta- blishment for so great a body of people, and the state ol those English there, who, he said, ‘ called themselves Christians.’ He was throughout very civil, and wislied me all the success 1 desired. 1 then proceeded to the India House, and received directions to attend on Wed- nesilay to be sworn in. Afterwards walked to Mr. \\ ilherforce’s at Broomfield, and was much restored and retreshed by learning and thinking on Ephesians, 'I'hc 250 JOURNAL. [1805 f circumstance of leaving my friends at night, brought Acts XX. to my mind, and I continued thinking of it with great solemnity and sweet tranquillity, and desire to be the servant of the Lord. 7. In the evening read the farewell discourse in John xiv — xvi. with much comfort and benefit, and was enabled to reflect with encouragement, that the Spirit of truth woidd guide me into all trutlu 8. Attended Courtenay again before breakfast. The rest of the morning passed in writing sermon, and reading Mr. Grant’s book. The state of the natives, and die prospects of doing good thi‘i*e, the character of Swartz, &c. set forth in it, much impres.sed my mind, and I found great satisfaction, in ])k‘ading for the fulfil- ment of (fod's jiromises to tlie heathen. it seemed painful to think of myself at all, except in reference to the Church of Christ. Being .somewhat in danger of distraction thi.s evening, from many concurrent circuin- ■stances, 1 found a very short prayer un>wered hy my being kept .steady. Heard from Mr. Parry this »‘vening. that in consequence of an (. inhargo laitl on all the ship.-, by government, who had taken the be-t .seamen from the company s ships, on account of tlie s.iiling ofthe French and Spani.sh fleets ; 1 should not be alile to go before the middle of June, if’ so soon, ddius it Ino pleased God once more to detain me. What his design is, time will .shew; whatever it is, let me rejoice in thinking it will he entirtly for the best. 9. Thought rny.self hound to change tlie suhjeet of my sermon for Sundav, in con.seqnenee of Mr. Simeon s telling me I harl mi.staken the meaning of it ; at tir.st I was reluctant after liaving done .so much, but I lelt that I could not dare to expect the hles.sing or a.ssislaiice of the Holy Ghost, if I wilfully ]u:rvert(-(l his meaning. L.V reading and jnavf r iny mind was more steady and seriou-s than on otlicr mornings ; after dinner, took up the Epistle to the Corinthians, arul was affected will> solemnity, by its .spiritual tmtbs. 10. Heard Mr. Thomson preach a missionary ser- JOURNAL. 251 1806] • mon to a large congregation. The pride of being an important personage in the assembly, being a missionary, was as much as I could keep in subjection. In prayer afterwards, found benefit to my soul, and was assisted in my walk to meditate on a subject. Passed the even- ing with and , thinking it would be the last time I should see them, but the time passed in the most unprofitable manner. This way of living is grievous to me ; I want more solitude, more long and heart-search- ing communion with God. 1 1. Writing diligently to-day, and found my mind solemnized by my work. 12. (Sunday.) In the afternoon, preached a ser- mon for the children of a charitv school, on Luke xi. 11 — 13. I was very inanimate, partly from ill health, j)artly from a desire of guarding against improper ges- tures, Mr. Cecil told me ho had heard I had been ])reaching o.xcellently. Mr. B. told me the sermon was very miserable ; he observed a total want of animation and action. These remarks 1 was once foolish enough to feel hurt at, hut nc>\v I see much cause to hless the Lord that he hath jdaced me for a time in Loiulon, where so manv friimds are endeavouring to correct me. Drank tea at Lady Catharine’s. Our conversation at night was on important subjects, and mv soul seemed to be very near the (‘njoyment of these things, hut the par- ticular nature of my disorder, made the effect which these joyous thoughts have on'mv frame of bv)dy, too painful to be borne. I feel encouraged to make every eftort both in body and mind, in order h) become an able minister of the New Testament. Ble.ssed he God for it, this is one of the benefits of my delay in England ; the •settlement of mv dciir sister is another comfort atteiul- ing it. 13. Attended Courtenav after breakfast, i»t which I "as much enlivened by conversation with Mr. B. on • eligious subjects. I read Flavel’s Method of Grace, y in the comfortable assurance of being upright in my inten- tions. The sermon was much j)raised hy some people coming in, hut' hap])ily this gives me little satisfaction. Went home and read a sermon of Flavel’s, on knowing nothing but Chri.st. I was made sensible of mv extreme ignorance of Go.spid mysteries, and on mv knees im- plored that the Spirit of God would instruct me ; my heart was also in lieaviness through the rising of cor- ruption, and seemed unwilling to part with the world and its enjoyments, arul he separated frf)m my dear friends, anrl left alone with God. All thc.se evils I spread before the Lf)rd in ])ravcr, and obtained some relief and comfort. In the evening reaii for Mr. Cecil, who preached in a most striking manner, on Rev. iii. 21. I was encouraged to determine to fight, hut oh, what pride and hardness of heart, and forgetfulno.ss of God, have 1 to recollect this dnv. I again made a covenant with myself which I found it very difficult to keep. 16. Breakfasted with Mr. P . Joined with his family in w(»rship, he prayed himself in a very simplf JOURNAL. 253 1805] # and devout strain. My heart was full of joy and thank- fulness that a person in his station was found so pious. 17 . Was very sleepy and stupid this whole morn- ing, in consequence of having lost my sleep for three or four nights past ; if there were any necessity of bearing the inconveniences of these lodgings, or any good to be got, I would qiiietly bear them, but as this has the effect of making me unfit for duty in the day, I shall change them. Found myself unable to write on any subject ; was a little revived by learning Isaiah xl. but was sink- ing again into a cold state, when through the mercy of God I took the alarm at my idleness and negligence of * duties, and prayed with humility and fervour. Walked out and continued in earnest striving with my coiTup- tion. 1 made a covenant with my eyes, which I kept strictly ; though I was astonished to find the difficulty I bad in doing even this. I continued in humiliation and prayer, esjiecially that God would vouchsafe to teaclr me tlui mysteries of redeinj)tion, and help me to find out in what manner sinners should be addressed. In this state, though there was much ])ain and sorrow, even to tears, and though I felt dreadful opposition in tlie fiesb, 1 felt it was a right work, the Spirit striving against the flesh, and I mourned to think how soon it woidd pass away, Tiie sight 1 had of my corruption, and the extrenie difficultv of fixing the soul towards God, impressed this text deeplv on me — “ With men it is impossible, but witii God all things are possible.’’ Read some of the cliaptors of the Revelation, with much of the blessing and presence of God — I was deeply affected with divine things. 18. Changed my lodging.s, I offered my services to the mistress of the house to officiate at family wor- ship, but she said she. had no time to spare for it. I talked a great deal to her, but she could not listen to reason. 1 9. (Sunday.) Towards night many things occurred to bring down my pride very low. Mr. Cecil preached 1 Thess. iii. 8. I was affected even to tears at JOURNAL. [1805 m Tedecting that God had not caused any such connection to exist botvveen me and my people ; it seemed as if people heard me as though they heard not. liut my soul hreatlied fervently for grace, to perceive the ir.rtnito value of immortal soids, and to labour incessantly for them in prayer ; hearing afterwards something said in praise of me, I lost a good deal of this humility and .spiritual comfort ; still found myself tjuickened and editied by the word of God at night. 20. O how merciful has God been in fixing me in neces.sary duty, as at Cambridge, without wliich 1 should ' certainly have given wav to sloth ; it ajipeared very painful to me at the time, but I now feel the benefit. Vet now I am treacherous to f Jod ; hard it is for me to stir myself »ip to spirituality and diligence in duty, when no outward ministration demands it. Oh, what a living after the tlesli is this ! 21. Almost all my ])rovers are now with reference to the ministry. Read and prayi d over .1 ohn xv. before I went (tut, and forceil my tluiughts to continue ni(»re sober. Cecil called to-dav, (when S was with me.) and spoke with his usu;d force on the work (tf the ministry, particularly on the necessitv of seclusion from company. Let me lemcndHr Matlin-w xxiv. I read it, and well might I tremole. Mv s(»nl is aslonrf>hed, and confounded at itself, tliat it is not swallowed up in the immensity of the ministerial wurk. 22. Endeavoun (I to guard mv thoughts this morn- ing in a more parlii.tdar manner, as expia ting to pass it with .S.irgent, in prayer for assistance iji the ministry. Called at Mr. Wilh'crforce's, when I met Mr. B.ahingt'^**- The extreme kindiicss and c((niialilv of these two was very pleasing to me, though rather eluting. By letter from B lo-(j;iy, learnt ihul two young men ot Che.sterton had come forward, who professed to have been awakened fiy a sermon of mine on Psalm i-v- 1^- I was not so affected will) gratitude and joy as 1 ex|)ceted to be; could not easily a.scribe the glory to God ; yet I wilLJblesa him througli ail my igiu)rancc, tliat be has JOURNAL. 255 1805] thus owned the ministry of one so weak. Oh, may I have faith to go onward, expecting to see miracles wrought by the foolishness of preaching. H , to whom I had made application for the loan which Major S found it inconvenient to advance, dined with me, and surprised me by the difficulty he started. After dinner went to the India House to take leave. Mr. , the other chaplain, sat with me before we were called in, and I found that I knew a little of him, having been at his house. As he knew my character, 1 spoke very freely to him on the sn1)jcct of religion. Was called in to take the oaths all the directors were present I think. Mr. (Jrant in the chair addressed a charge to us extem- pore. One thing struck. my attention, which was, that lie warned us of the enervating effects of the climate. In the evening heard Mr. Crowther preach. inontioned Mr. as an alarming instance of the I'ifect of Indian climate and manners ; he went out with zeal Imt had lo'^t it all. Tliis dwelt very much on my mind all the rest of the evening. The sense of my \ ('ry great danger marie me feel a sort of guilt, as if I Imd fallen alri'adv. Prayed with nearness to God when I got home, l)oth in reference to the sermon 1 had heard and my ()\' n case. 2.3. IJuniblcd tins morning at thought of my waste of time and self-indulgenco. After readin.g 1 Tim. i. 11. I went out to . As I walked, my soul was full of holy anlour, *to war a good warfare, and to tramjdc sin and Satan under feet. Mv interview with was such as hurt my feelings. He did not like to advance the money without some security. I went to Mr. Ci’s to talk to him on the .subject ; but alter waiting two hours coidd not see him. My mind was ruminating on the ways of the world. How much of them is seen in the people of God. *Went home and found comfort in prayt-r. 24. Breakfasted with Mr. P , and was as much delighted with his kindness as I was imrt by the extreme coldness of afterward.s, to whom 1 mentioned my 256 JOURNAL. [1805 t pecuniary difficulties. I felt more acutely than ever I did in my life the shame attending poverty. Nothing but the remembrance that I was not to blame sup- ported me. Whatev'er comes to me in the way of Pro- vidence is and must be for my good. 25. Fervent in prayer for usefulness in the ministry. In the streets, in my walk, my heart, in some dejection, seemed at times to triumph over difficulty and every snare, in tl)e power and strength of Christ. Dined and spent the evening at Dr. ’s with Mr. Atkinson. The conversation throughout was highly spiritual and profitable, and encouraging to me. 26. (Sunday.) At night after evening service, employed the time in reading and ])rayer. The Lord vouchsafed his pre.sence in prayer. And in re.uling Lsaiah, I was delighted with the promises resjH'cling tlu' church. The occasional displays in Isaiah of the great- ness of God rather kept my heart at a distance, though in other parts I found texts tliat encouraged me. This Sahhath evening was attended with greater com- fort and profit than most of the former. Blessed he God for the continuance of his loving kindness ! 27. Lost much of my comfort hy following mvown will in my studies and employments this morning, instead of a punctual observance of the order of dutv. After writing .some letters, praved, and read 2 Tim. i. II. but could not find that spirituality come from it, which I often have. O I need the spirit o*f fear, that I mav serve God with reverence. However, in the evening, it plca.sed the Lord td in some manner to pray to the J^pirit, my soul ^Yas more than ordinarily imjircssed. I seem to he hankering after something or other in tins world, though I am sure 1 could not say iIktc is any thing which 1 believed could give me ha]>piness. No! it is in God alone. Yet to-night 1 have been thinking much of Lvdia, Memory ha.s been at work to unnerve mv sovd, but reason, and honour, and love to Christ and to .souls, shall prevail. Amen. God help me. 2. (Whitsundiiv.) in the afternoon, read and preached on .John xvi. 8. “ lie shall convince the world of sin.” There wa.s great attention, and my own Spirit wa.s animated, buti had not the precious thoughts whicli came into my mind occasionally yesterday and to day ; namely, thoughts of the value of souls and the power of God, which would n\ake preaching ethcacious, and thoughts of simply approving myself unto God, in the near views of (‘ternity, unconcerned and deaf to all human things ; and fixednc.ss of mind on the great end of my ministry. At home, sat and meditated and prayed, for 1 was too fatigvied to kneel ; truly I have- tasted of the world and nev(;r found it satisfy me, JOURNAL. 259 1805] ► though I am still foolish enough to try it. My dear Redeemer is a fountain of life to my soul. Oh that 1 may from this time be his, and be encouraged by his kind promises, and walk in his love under the guidance find influence of the blessed Spirit. With resignation and peace, can I look forward to a life of labour and entire seclusion from earthly comforts, while Jesus thus stands near me, changing me into his own holy image. 3. Received a letter from Major S to-day, which rather hurt my feelings ; but I reflected that it is not my own fault, so far as I can see, that I am so poor as to be beholden to another for assistance ; it comes from the natural Providence of God. Went to the Eclectic, wliere there were nine ministers besides myself. The subject was the symptoms of the state of the nation. Mr. Cecil spoke admirably, Mr. F — , Mr. P — , and Mr. Simons also very well. Towards the end, the subject of marriage, somehow or other, came to be mentioned. Mi*. Cecil spoke very freely and strongly on the suliject. He said I should be acting like a madman, if I went out unmarried. A wife would supply by her comfort and counsel tlie entire want of society, and also bo a preservation both to character and passions amidst such scenes. J felt as cold as an anchorite on the subject as to my own feelings, but I was much perplexed all the rest of the evening about it. I clearly perceived that my own inclination upon the whole was not to marriage. The fear of bciijg involved in worldly cares, and numberless troubles, which I do not now foresee, make me tremble and dislike the thoughts of such connections. When 1 think of Brainerd, how lie lived among the Indians ; travelling Ireely from place to place : can 1 Conceive he would have been so useful had he been married. I remember also that Owens, who had been so many years in Uie West Indies as a missionary, gave his advice against marriage. Swartz was never married, nor St. Paul. On the^ other hand, when I .suppose another in my cir- cumstances, fixed at a settlement without coiujiany, 260 JOURNAL. [1805 without society, in a scene and climate of such tempta- tion, I say without hesitation, he ought to be married. I have recollected this evening very much my feelings when I walked through Wales ; how I longed then to have some fridnd to speak to, and the three weeks seemed an age without one. And I have often thought how valuable would be the counsel and comfort of a Christian brother in India. These advantages would be attained by marrying. I feel anxious also that as many Christians as possible should go to India, and any one willing to go would be a valuable addition. But yet voluntary celibacy seems so much more noble and glorious, and so much more beneficial in tlic way of example, that I am loth to relinqui.sh the idea of it. In short, I am utterly at a loss to know what is best for the interests of the Gospel. But happily my own jK'ace is not much concerned in it. If this opinion of so many pious clergymen had come across me when I was in Cornwall, and so strongly attached to my beloved Lydia, it would have been a conflict indeed in my heart to oppo.se so many arguments. But now I feel, through grace, an astonishing difference. I hope I am not seek- ing an excuse for marriage, nor persuading myself I arn indifferent about it, in f)rder that what is really rnv inclination may appear to be the will of God. iiut 1 feel my affections kindling to their wonted fondness while I dwell on the circumstances of an union with Lydia, the Lord teach his weak creature to live peacefully and soberly in his love, drawing all my joys from him, the fountain of living waters. 4 . The subject of marriage made me thoughtful and .serious. Mr. Atkinson, w'hosc opinion I revere, was against m\' marrying. Fo\ind near access to my God in prayer. Oh what a comfort it is to have God to go to. 1 breathed freely to him my sorrows and cares, and set about rny work with diligence. The Lord as.sisted me very much, and I wrote more freely than ever I did. Slept very little in the night. 5. Corrie breakfasted with me and went to prayer ; 1805 ] JOURNAL. 261 I rejoiced to find he was not unwilling to go to India. He will probably be my fellow-labourer. Most of this morning was employed in writing all my senti- ments on the subject of marriage to Mr. Simeon. May the Lord suggest something to him which may be of use to guide me, and keep my eye single. In my walk out and afterwards, the subject was constantly on my mind. But alas ! I did not guard against that distrac- tion from heavenly things which I was aware it would occasion. On reflection at home, I found I had been talking in a very inconsistent manner. But was again restored to peace by an application to Christ’s blood through the Spirit. My mind has ajj this day been very strongly inclined to marriage, and has been conse- quently uncomfortable, for in proportion to its want of simplicity* is it unhappy. But Mr. Cecil sfiid to-day, he thought Lydia’s decision would fully declare the will of God. With this I am again comforted, for now hath the Lord taken the matter into his own hands. What- ever he decides upon I shall rejoice, and though I con- fess I think she will not consent to go, I shall then have tlie question finally settled. 6. God’s interference in supporting me continually, appears to me like a miracle. With this subject of so great importance on ray mind, involving such doubt and uncertainty, he keeps me surprisingly composed, and assists me wonderfully in my work. Called this mor- ning on Mr. Parry, who told me the embargo would be taken off in a few days, but the fleet would not sail in less than a fortnight. In my walk met Mr. H , and was much relieved by his kind manner. How many temptations are there in the streets of London ! Returned home with a distaste for every thing, but by prayer over the iiird and ivth of Ephesians ; my soul was restored both to elasticity and comfortable serious- ness, Dined at , with Mr. V. a Dutch gentleman, whose Christian simplicity and good sense delights me beyond measure. He described his conversion as hav- ing taken place at Bourdeaux, on his return home from 262 JOURNAL. [1805 Spain. He khew Dr. Vanderkemp. As we conversed all of ns about spiritual things, our hearts burned within us. I was delighted to hear the same truths lisjjed in foreign accents. He ahso described in a most interest- ing detail, the manner in which the French preyed upon them at Dort, where he was one of the magistracy. Discussion in the evening was about iny marriage again ; they were all strenuous adv’ocates for it. Wrote at night with great freedom, but my body is ver)’ weak from the fatigue 1 have already undergone. My mind seems very active this week ; manifestly indeed strength- ened by God to be enabled to write op religious sub- jects with such ynitsual ease, while it is also full of this important business of the marriage. My inclination continues, I think, far more unbiassed than when I wrote to Mr. Simeon. 7. Oh, the suhtilty of the Devil, and the d(*ceitful- tiess of tins corrupted heart. How has an idol been imperceptibly raised uj) in it. Sornelliing fell from Dr. F. this evening against mv marriage, which struck me .so tViroiidv. though there was nothing particular in it, that I began to see I should finally give up all thoughts about it. Hut Ijow great the conflict ! I could ,3^t have believed it had such hold on mv affections, l ^p re this I had been writing in tolerable tran(piillit)^Pifnd walked out in the enjnvrncnt of a resigned mind, even rejoicing for the most part in Gofl, and dined at Mr. Cecil’s, where the arguments I heard were all in ^nvour of the flesh, and so I was pleased ; but Dr. s words gav(; a new turn t^» mv tlwuights, and Ihtrtnmull showerl me the true state of rny heart. How inisera!)le did life appear, without the hope of Lydia. Oh, how has the discussion of the subject opened all my wounds afjresh. I have not felt such heart-rending pain, since 1 |)arted with her in Cornwall. But the Loi^ brought me to consider the folly and wickedness this. Shall f he.sitatc to keep mv days in eouslart^|M>litnde, who ap but a brand pluckcfl from the bup^»g? ^ could hot help saying. Go, Hindoos, go ofpb 1805] JOURNAL. 263 misery, let Satan still rule over you, for he that was appointed to labour among you, is consulting his ease. No, thought I, hell and earth shall never keep me back from my work. I am cast down, but not destroyed ; I began to consider^ why am I .so uneasy, “ Cast thy care upon him, for hecareth for you.” “ In every thing by prayer, &c.” These promises were graciously fulfilled, before long, to me. 8. My mind continued in much the same sUite this morning, waiting with no small anxiety for a letter from Mr. Simeon, hoping of course that the will of God would coincide with my will, yet thinking the determi- nation of the question would be indifferent to me. When the letter arrived, 1 was immediately convinced beyond jdl doubt, of the expediency of celibacy. But my wish (lid not follow my judgment quite so readily. Mr. Pratt coming in, argued .strongly on the other side, but there was nothing (jf any weight. The subject so occu- pied my thouglits, that I could attend to nothing else. 1 saw mvself called to be less than ever a man of this world, and walked out with a heavy heart. Met Dr. F. who alone of all men could best sympathize ; and his lew words were encouraging. Yet 1 cannot cordially ac((uieso.e in all tlie Lord’s dealings, though my I'cason and judgment apj)rove them, and my inclination would desire to do it. Dined at Mr. Cecil’s, where it provi- dentially happened that Mr. Foster came in. To them 1 read Mr. Simeon s letter, and they were both convinced by it. So 1 went away home with nothing to do but to get my heart easy again under this sacri- fice. 1 devoted iny.self once more to the entire and everlasting service of God, and found myself more weaned from tliis world, and desiring the next ; though not from a right principle. Continued all the evening writing sermon, and reading Pilgrim's Progress, with successions of vivid emotions of pain and plea- sure. My heart was sometimes ready to break with agony, at being torn from its dearest idol, and at other tunes [ w'us vksited bv a few moments of sublime and 264 JOURNAL. [1805 enraptured Such is the conflict : why have my friends mentioned this subject? It has torn open old wounds, and I am again bleeding. With all my hon- ours and knowledge, the smiles and approbation of men, the health and prosperity that haver fallen to my lot, together with that freedom from doubts and fears, with which I was formerly visited ; how much have 1 gone through in the last two or three years, to bring my mind to be willing to do the will of God when it should be revealed. My heart is pained within me, and my bodily frame suffers from it. 9. (Sunday.) My heart is still pained. It is still as a bullock unaccustomed to the yoke. The Lord help me to maintain the conflict. Preached thi.s mor- ning at Long Acre Chapel, on Matt, xxviii. the three last verses. There was the utmost attention. In tlie intei^'al between morning and afternoon, passed most of the time in reading and prayer. Read Matthew iii. and considered the character of .lohn the liaptist. llolv emulation seemed to spring up in my mind. Then read John xvii, and last chapter, and Rev. i, all of which were blessed to my soul. 1 went into the church per- .suaded in my feelings, — which is dilfercnt from being per- stiaded in the understanding, — that it was nol)ler aad wiser to be as John the Baptist, Peter, John, and all the apostles, than to have my own will gratified. Preached on Eph. ii. IS. Walked a little with Mr. Grant this evening. He told me 1 should have great trials and temptations in India, but I know where to apply for grace to help. I inferred from what he said, that and were but in a low .state ; that 1 must beware of sinking to their .standard, and at the .same time of running to an intemperate zeal. He advised me to acquire the language, cu.stoms, and mythology, by inviting the Brahmin.s to come and see me. They account it an honour to be received and treated well by an European. 1 .should have no difficulty in getting some country place, as it w'as the lowest .situation of all ; and the salary less than a chaplaincy to a brigade. JOURNAL. 1805] 10. In the evening went to — — j ^ mind was melancholy, but not unhappy. The ease and elegance in which they live here, gave rise to a variety of re- flections, for while they were engaged in music, I was left at liberty to be looking out at the window. 1 felt the utmost indifference about the whole of the trifles of this life. It is perhaps for this, I am cut oflF from the hope of Lydia ; but 1 did perceive that a life of labour for immortal souls, was better riches than all this which I was seeing. The sight also of in a fit, very much affected me ; so that in my own room at night, I found a melancholy pleasure in sitting at the window in the dark, looking at the skies. My soul was deeply impressed with the value of* souls, and wdth the necessity of speaking seriously to the conscience ; eter- nity seemed near ; no prospect of happiness on earth ai)peared in view'. Meditated on a subject to speak on in the morning. 11. Came to town in H.’s carriage; he begged me to come agiiin, as certainly some good was doing. 1'2. Discontented this morning with every thing; l)ut by prayer, mv spirit was a little quieted and solemnized. Poor and unprofitable as I am, I trust that 1 have been brought to Christ, and have been so far changed as to find my chief ]>leasure in loving and serving him ; but alas, every trifle is able to distract me from hitn. 13. Employed in going about buying books, and packing up, &c. but much time outwardly was given to meditation on a .subject with little success. At times of prayer had some affection, particularly at those hours when 1 felt most unwilling and unfit to pray at all. Had I a more tender sense of mercy, I should have delighted to w'rite on the subject I had chosen ; yet it is very sweet to be desiring such a state. I would wish, like Mary, to be weeping at the feet of Jesus. 14. Employed in writing on the same subject ; more watchful and near the Lord, and of course more peace JOURNAL. •266 [1805 and comfort. ' Dr. F.’s words (vvlio called this morn- ing) made some animal impression, ‘ The Lord be with you ; and I think that lie will be with you too.’ Sent oif all my luggage, as preparatory to its going on board. Dined at Mr. Cecil’s, he endeavoured to correct my reading, but in vain, ‘ Brother M.’ says he, ‘ you are a humble man, and would gain regard in private life ; but to gain public attention you must force yourself into a more marked and expressive manner.’ Read and wrote tly remainder of the evening ; this I observed, that when at one time I began to write without a prayer to tin- blessed Spirit, I found myself not stirring ; but after it, was enabled to go on again; oh, may He teaeli rne con- tinually my dependence upon Him. Generally, to-niglit, have I been above the world ; Lydia, and other comforts I would re.sign., 1(). 1 thought it probable, from illness, that death might he at hand, and this was before me all the day ; sometimes 1 was exc(‘edinglv refreshed and comforlef God and eternity. Rut soon slm||; I be in that world of spirits, 1 hope and trust w ith mv spp' swallowed up in the love and service f)f God. Arne#'' 30. (Sunday.) After breakfasting with went down with Irim to Mitcham. Felt .some pain at ob.servinir in him a tendency to laxity in certain points of (h»ctrine. Preached at Mitcham church. Returning towards town in the evening we stopped at Claphnm church, where, though the service was begun, Mr. Venn begged me so much to preach, that I did tm 1 Cor. xxiii. 24. “ We preach,” &c. to a very attentive people. Mr. Wilher- jj&ce, Mr H — and Mr. Thorntmi, &c. were then'. pent the rest of the evening with Mr. Wilherforce. July 1. Came with Mr. Thornton to the Admiralty, lid^Barham’s, and took my leave. In my rooms read jOTPuSdwards, and 1 Sam. chiefly till Corrie callecb 1” the evening Corrie .sat again with me and refreshed ni\ he^||y .spiritual conversation. At night in prayer, mv JOUHNAL. 1806] soul, with «o much company and earthly work lately, was tired, yet longed seemingly above all thinjS^, to spend and to be spent for the Lord Jesus Christ. 2. Corric breakfasted with me. We conversed about the great work among the heathen. Read and prayed. I did little more than write to K. and sit for my miniature to the painter lady, who still repeated her infidel cavils, having nothing more to say in the way of argument, I thought it right to declare the threatenings of God, to those who reject his Gospel. Ouf conver- sation lasted for an hour and a half. Went to take coach for M , but being too late, walked to London lu'idgc, where the sight of the shipping, as reminding me of my a])proaching departure, was very agreeable to me. 3. Exceedingly weak in body, and uneasy in mind. Felt the utmost reluctance to cv^ery exertion of either. Went down to M in the coach. I could not bring myself to o])en my mouth at all, the exertion seemed so painful. 1 thought of Chri.st and the Samaritan woman, but sense of duty did not prevail. If these people are condemned at the day of judgment, and I were hid to see the consc<|Ucnces of neglecting to speak for their souls, how should I he overwhelmed with shame and confusion. God forgive me this sin. 1 was kept idle and without communion with God ; when I retiied into a room U) pray I was interrupted, aufl when 1 went into the gartlen I met with some of the walkers- Ho\vever, the Lord heard one or two ijaculations, and assisted my sold to rise to the enjoyment of another world, yet not to that steady sobriety which long communion wdth God produtres. -In a .solitary walk I had an opportunity of calling upon God. I see very plainly that firmness and dignity becomes a minister of the Gospel, and that a deep impression of divine things always tends to pro- duce it in me. “ Let your speech be always with grace seasoned wnth salt.’’ “ Let no man despise thee.” At night, when the day is jpver, 1 generally feel roused to be fervent and animated in the service of Christ, and to be always a burning^ht. m ■JOURNAL. [1805 4. .Walked before breakfast in the grounds, in a sort of sorrowful solemnity, yet with much peace of mind. In the family worship took ray leave of them in St. Paul’s words, and “ Now brethren, I commend you,” &c. What a world would this be, if there were no God. Were not God the sovereign of the universe, how miserable should I be ; but the Lord reigneth, let the earth be glad. And Christ’s cause shall prevail. O my soul be happy in the prospect. As I sat this ev’ening ‘reflecting on my perfect health, and the enjoy- ment of every blessing, my base ingratitude for not loving and praising God, struck me very much. Thou- sands starving, thousands sick and forsaken, thousands groaning under the devil's bondage, and I here unthank- ful ! ^Iy .soul may almost burst with astonishment at its own wickedne.ss, but at the same time trusting to mercy, I will rise and go and try to make men happy. The Lord God go with me. Let my right hand forget his cunning, if I remember not Jeru.salein above tnv chief joy. 7. (^Sunday.) Too much employed about sermon, so a.s to have little time for reading ;md prayer before church. This producetl some humiliation. Preached !i farewell sermon at St. .lohn’s, on Acts xx. 3‘2. to a large and attentive congregation. Drank tea at Mr. Cecils. Read in the evening and received the benediction of mapy people. My mind lues been distracted to-d;iy.* little do people kiujw what inward loneliness ther6 is, with all this noise and bustle abrnit my going abroad. O that I could escape from the crowd and walk sweetlv idone with God. July 8 to 10. I begin another book of my Journal, ll^how doubtful is it, if I shall ever live to finish it! now in my cabin, bounf the interest with whieli I watched the shore, as it appeared more and more. Carh- math first caught my eye, and led me to think of my dear sister particularly ; then the Lizard. As w4‘ were at dinner, the ship came round St. .Vnthony's, and soon after we came to .anchor oft' Falmouth. The Diana coming in soon after, ran aground, and hoisted^ the union midway up the main mast, as a signal of distress. Three others also of our ships ran .agrqiStni, but got off ; one ran foul of the Comriuxlore, atuTcarried away his jib-boom. In the midst of all this we were mercifully preserved ; but our capt.'iin, to mv great grief, swon! repeatedly on account of the great danger of bringing so many ships to so small a place. I \va.s affected almost to tears, at being so disn]>pointed in him, hut did not think it exjX'dient in the hj||rry to tell him of it. Mav God convince hitn of his sin when JOURNAL. 1805 ] I shall speak to him. or before^ Passed the afternoon writing to all my friends round about, desiring them to come and see me. I seemed to be entirely at home, the scene about me was so familiar, and my friends so near. I was rather flurried at the singularity of this providence of God, in thus leading me once more to the bosom of all my friends : may the Lord glorify himself in this and every other dispensation ; found myself after tea in a happy frame of mind. For the first time I had forgot health, and ease of body, since I have been at sea. I walked on deck, endeavouring to think on these words, “ To me to live is Christ,” and found my mind easily fixing on heavenly things, notwithstanding all the noise and confusion. The evening is a time of great idleness and noise on board, all are talking and laugh- ing. The soldiers doing nothing but jeering one ano- ther, and swearing. The passengers lounging about, or’sitting on chairs under the poop, the drums and fifes constantly j)laying. Mr. Kearie joined me, so that I liad not long to meditate, but endeavoured to assist him to the best of my power in his Christian course. My ears are constantly assailed and shocked by the most horrid oaths, and I see jio method of putting a stop to it, except by perseverance and preaching the gospel to them. Outward restrictions would do little if they could oe applied ; but as the captain and the command- ing oflicers on board sanction it by their own example, no attempt can be made in that w ay ; the Lord give me compassion for their souls. 20. Read some of Whitfield’s Journal, and found it a greater spur than any I have received a long time. A young man only twenty-three pi*eaching the gospel to crowded congregations in London, and then going to Georgia. I have thought with exceeding ten- derness of Lydia to-day ; how I long to see her, but if it it be the Lord's will, he will open a way. I shall not take any steps to produce a meeting. Was sensible of an instance of pride to-day, in being ashamed of being seen by the ship's passengers, in company with 278 . LETTER. [1806 one of the children of God, who appeared a mean per- son ; but there is nothing too contemptible for me to conceive in my heart. May I be humbled on account of this sin. Falmouth, July 20, 1805. My dear Cousin, We sailed from St. Helen’s at day-break last W'ednesday morning, and to my no small surprise, I found we were bound to Falmouth. After a pleasant passage down the channel, we came to in this harbour yesterday evening, and are ordered to continue till accounts shall be received of the combined fleets. You will easily conceive my feelings at being thus brought once again to my friends ; what the design of God is in this providence, I am at a loss to understand. May it be for the mutual establishment and comfort both of them and me. * * * Qf, passmg Plymouth, we were too far from the shore to distinguisli the houses. I tried my spy-glass in vain, it w(»uld not bring you nearer, but my heart was with you, and 1 retired to my cabin to [iray for you both. * * * You will have time now, 1 think, to send me a letter, and I need not assure you how acceptable it will be. I have sent a short letter to my cousin at Marazibn. How happy should I be if she .should be able to come part of the way to Falmouth to see me. But I pray that my heart may not again rove in pursuit of earthly comfort, and so subject me to new alfliction. I remain, &c. 21. (Thursday.) Had .some fervour this morning in praying for zeal : on account of the rain, the captain sai d i t was inconvenient to have divine service in the morning, so I went ashore a.s soon as I could, and arrived just in time to hear the latter part of the sermon, “ On toe excellency and knowledge of Christ Jesus our Lord.^^ In the afternoon I preached at Falmouth churcht fi i n the jailor ; the I^ord assisted me bey«n was speaking to the, two coachmen, and thought they were much affected. I arrived at Marazion in time for breakfast, and met mv beloved Lvdia. In the course of tlie morning 1 walked with her, though not uninterrupt- edly ; with m\ich confusion I declared my affection for lier, with the intention of learning whether, if ever 1 saw it right in India to be married, she would come out; hut slie would not declare her sentiments, she said that the shortness of arrangement was an obstacle, even if all others were removed. In great tum\dt 1 walked up to St. Hilary, whence, after dining, I returned to Mr. Grenfell’s, but on account of the number of persons there, 1 had not an opportunity of being alone with Lydia. Went back to Falmouth with G. I was more disposed to talk of Lydia all the way, but roused myself to a sense of my duty, and addressed him on the subject of religion. The next day I was exceedingly melan- choly at what had taken place between Lydia and 280 LETTER. [1805 myself, and at the thought of being separated from her. I could not bring myself to believe that God had settled the whole matter, because I was not willing to believe it. The day after being Saturday, I was employed diligently in preparing for to-morrow, and my mind was less the subject of distracting thoughts. To Miss Lydia Grenfell, Marazion. July 27, 1805. Union, Falmouth Harbour. * * * As I was coming on board this morning, and reading Mr. Serle’s Hymn you wrote out for me, a sudden gust of wind blew it into the sea. I made the boatmen immediately heave to, and recovered it, happily without any injury except what it had received from the sea. 1 should have told you that the Morning Hymn, which I always kept carefully in my pocket-book, was one day stolen with it, and other valuable letters, from my rooms in college. It would be extremely gratiA'ing to me to possess another copy of it, as it aAvays reminded me most forcibly of the happy day, on which we visited the aged saint. TJie fleet, it is .said, will not sail for three weeks, but if yon are willing to employ any of your lime in providing me with this or any other MS. hvmns, the sooner you write them, llie more certain I shall be of receiving tliem. Pardon me for thu.s intruding on your time ; you will in no wise h)S(.‘ your reward. The encouragement conveyed in little compositions of this .sort is more refreshing than a cup of cold water. The Lonl of tlie harvest who is sending forth rne, who am most tndy less than the least of all saints, %vill reward yf»u for being willing to help forward even the meanest of his servants. The love which you bear to the cause of Christ, as well as motives of pri- vate friemlship, will, I trust, induce you to commend rne to God, and to the word of his grace, at those sacred moments wlun you ajiproaeh the throne of our covenant (iod. Tf> his gracious care I cf)mmend you. May y